I was thinking about being a parent today. It is such a crap shoot, giving birth to a human being. You start out with a few cells, and before you know it, there is a whole person eating lemon meringue pie (um... what??) and telling you their opinion, and it may not exactly gel with your own, which is all a bit... disconcerting, to say the least. I am always surprised when one of my offspring spouts off with an opinion in direct conflict with one of my long held beliefs. (And it happens a lot, let me tell you. I have one who will disagree just for the fun of debating the topic, so I know what I'm talking about here.)
Obviously, when considering the topic of parenting, I go to what I know, which means I think about my own experience with my own two children. I also have the benefit of being a daughter (and a mighty fine one, too, I might add) to my mother, who is nice enough to allow me to maintain that illusion.
I am not sure how I got started thinking about it (well, actually, that's a lie. I do know. I am just not in the mood to go into it here,) but I found myself contemplating the different combinations of introverts and extroverts in a family, and how it impacts upon the various parties involved. I find it sort of interesting, although I also find myself feeling a little sorry for those parents and children whose personalities don't mesh. Life is tough enough without having that in the mix.
Here is the deal. I have read that 75% of the population are extroverts, and the remainder are obviously introverts. Of course, it is on a continuum, and very few are at the extremes, which makes it all a little easier, but there are still a variety of combinations which can lead to some difficulties.
Now, if you have extroverted parents with an extroverted child, you have a lot of energy going on, but it's all fine, because they can be in a frenzy all day long together and they are just happy as clams when they fall exhausted into bed every night. If you have introverted parents with an introverted child, you probably have a lot quieter situation on your hands, but they all get what they need because they will give each other space on a regular basis. (This was my experience growing up, by the way. My mom is a total introvert, and it all worked out pretty well for me.) The tricky part comes when you have a combination, which I would imagine is pretty common, and you have conflicting needs.
This is where I came in. (I know you thought I was haring off on a tangent, but I am on point today. Surprise!) Anyway, I was thinking about my children, and how it all worked out for us, me being an introvert, and having one of each, and how very differently I had to parent them because of it. (Well, actually, to tell the truth, I didn't spend a whole lot of time thinking about the introverted child, because that was the easy part.) I was actually contemplating how difficult it might be if my extremely extroverted daughter should happen to be growing a person who is an introvert like me. I am a ways down the introverted continuum, a true introvert, so to speak, and she is way off the other edge of the extroverted scale. I see potential trouble ahead, and never one to waste a worrying opportunity, I jumped right on that worrying bandwagon.
Now, I don't want to mislead anyone here. Although it was a bit exhausting at times, it was okay for us, because I, as the parent, held the trump card. When I really needed space or quiet time, I had the power to make it happen, because I was the person who was ultimately in control. That was crucial for my sanity, even if it did cramp her style on a regular basis. So it can work out just fine, even if you have different personality styles.
But what if you are an extroverted parent, and your child is the introvert? How does the child create the space it needs in the face of the extroverted onslaught of the world, especially when the number one person in their life is also the number extrovert of the world?
You may think this is a minor consideration, but I can tell you, as the grandmother of said child, (which is currently on its way, I might add, so this is not just an academic consideration here,) I am concerned about this. I didn't realize I would add another person to my list of worries so soon, and it has kind of taken me by surprise.
If I may digress just ever so briefly.... I am new to this whole grandparenting thing, and I am quickly awakening to the fact that it doesn't look quite the way I thought it would when I considered it before I was about to become one. I have been surprised by some of the emotions I have felt as I considered this latest development in my, and even more so, in my daughter's life. I have seen a lot of my friends make the transition quite flawlessly, barely missing a tick on the clock. Somehow, I don't think any of us expected me to do it quite as smoothly, and so far, we are on track with that.
Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled for my daughter and son-in-law, and they will be wonderful parents. Probably better than I was, because they can draw from all my mistakes and get it right! And I am very happy to be adding another little one to the family tree, especially one that will be as smart and cute as I know this one will be.
But there are so many things to worry about, and now that I am over 50 and the parent of full fledged adults, I know what they are in excruciating detail. When you are a young parent, you don't think about it so much, you just do it. Now I know the pitfalls that await, which means I will have to worry about it, just in case they aren't worrying enough. Someone has to pick up the slack, after all.
But getting back to my original worry, here, I have read about children and parents who simply do not mesh. They do not seem to understand each other, and in trying to fix it, they do all the wrong things, but nothing works. I have to wonder if some of that doesn't come down to introverts versus extroverts, and just not getting the way the other party gets through their day. I realize the odds are in favor of the two extroverts having a child who is extroverted, but what if it goes the other way? I think I have good reason to worry here.
So today, I am going to jump on that time honored tradition of giving expectant parents unwanted advice, and tell my lovely daughter and her husband how to do this right, just in case they can't handle it on their own.
Dear Erin and Collin.
Here are the steps you will need to follow to ensure that you are properly addressing your child's need, on the off chance he or she happens to be an introvert.
You will need me to come down and assess the situation immediately upon birth. This is a very important step, because bonding starts at birth, and I want to be sure it's going well.
Then, you will need to come and visit me often for the first couple years, just to be sure that you are on track. After all, looking in from the outside, I will be aware of trends that you aren't seeing up close and personal.
You will need to keep me updated on your parenting progress, preferably with lots of pictures and facetime, so that I can keep tabs on things from afar and spot any worrisome trends early.
You will need to build some quiet time into each day, where you sit down with your child and focus entirely on them. It isn't so much about the amount of time spent as it is about the undivided attention. That way they know they are important to you. Just as a suggestion, you might want to spend that time talking about various subjects, such as... oh, I don't know... their grandparents. I can send photos, if you feel visual aids would be helpful.
Make sure that you enjoy the experience, because it is the greatest thrill ride you will ever have, and realize that instead of seat belts, you have grandparents to keep you rooted right where you need to be.
My last piece of advice is this, and it's very important. Take it one day at a time, and somehow, in the end, it will all work out. Look at us. We made it, and we didn't even kill each other! So will you, even though there will be moments of serious doubt. When you feel unsure of yourself, and even when you feel you have gotten it just right, don't forget to call and tell me about it. I am in your corner, cheering for you every step of the way, and I want to share this roller coaster ride as much as I can. You do the enjoying, and leave the worrying to me. I've got it covered.
I love you to the moon and back.
Mom
