I rarely speak publicly about the man I am married to. He is a very private person, and he doesn't like me talking about him in public, especially on social media, which is his right, and I respect that. But today I feel like telling the world about the shy, quiet guy who brought joy into my world, because he deserves some credit for how he changed my life.
Just to be clear, I am not giving false accolades or being fake humble here. There were some things no one else could have done to make my world right, and I had to walk through the valley and do the work on my own. I did a lot of changing before he appeared, and I will take the credit for what I had to go through to get to a healthy place mentally and emotionally.
But by coming into my life, by being patient and believing in the best version of me, he literally brought new joy and light into an emotional world that was finally ready and able to accept and be open to the idea that happiness was a possibility. He was the person that made me laugh. He gave me hope, he preached the good, and he upheld faith as the stronghold of life that it is for me. Being with him literally transformed me into a better person because of his positive influence. That is a gift that cannot be measured, and I will be forever grateful to him for all of it.
In my old life, up was down, the blue sky was green, grass was purple and everything was seen through the crazy filter of the person whose life I was shackled to. Removing the chains of unreality was a hard, long process, and I am shocked to realize that I can be sucked back into the emotional morass as quickly as other people take a breath. I am reminded this morning, once again, of what alcoholics or drug addicts mean when they call themselves recovering. You can slip back into former behavior so seamlessly you don't even think about it, and suddenly, crazy is busting out all over without you even realizing how it happened.
There is no room for crazy in my life today. I live in a grounded world, where reality is firm and the truth is solid and recognizable. Answers don't change from day to day, depending on the whim of the moment. I can count on my husband to be true to himself, and even more importantly, true to me, every minute of every day. It seems simple enough, I know, and for most people, this is an accepted part of life. But when you have lived in the world of fantasy, reality is a welcome change.
I have often seen variations on the idea that happiness is not found in others, it is created within one's self. While true to some extent, I suppose, I have found that joy is dependent on being with people who uplift you and who make you feel good about yourself and your life. When you are beaten down, emotionally, mentally or physically, you cannot feel joy. No matter how positive of a person you are, it is impossible to be sane, much less happy, when you are never sure what is coming next.
Exposed to the vagaries of a harsh world, you are fortunate if you find someone to hold your hand and look outward with you, facing the hard work of daily life together. If you are lucky, you will find someone who plans with you, sacrifices with you, shares your ups and downs, and joins you in the struggle. Home is in the heart, and I have finally come home.
We do not live a fancy life. We drive old cars, work hard for a living, and make a lot of sacrifices to have what we do. There is give and take as we navigate the waters that swirl through our lives. We have a lot to consider, as we came to this marriage rather late in the game, and we have a lot of catching up to do.
But it is not hardship, even if it is hard work. It is a joyful thing to discuss the future and think about what we want to do together someday. It is fun to set goals and think about future events and plan for what is ahead for us as we travel through this life together.
I am a grateful person today. I have found someone to share the journey with me who appreciates me as I am. He doesn't see me unrealistically - he knows the best and the worst of me - and he loves me simply for all the positive things I bring into his world. He does not walk ahead of me, nor does he trail behind me. He walks with me, and enjoys the road as we go.
I longed for peace, and I found joy. I had no idea how tied together they are. When you have peace in your daily life, I have learned joy naturally follows. That is the gift my husband brought to my world. I used to think peace could only be found within myself, and I thought true joy was out of reach. I am so fortunate to have found someone who brings me peace by being together, and has brought the joy that can only be found in peaceful existence along with it.
I think that is what everyone is looking for in life, but not everyone is lucky enough to find it. I am grateful that I got a second chance, not only at love, but also at joy, and I am not squandering a second of it.
I am a grateful wife indeed.
