It turns out people ask all sorts of interesting questions when you are getting divorced, It's a little like being pregnant, I think. People temporarily suspend the rules, and especially if they have been thinking about it for themselves, will ask all kinds of questions that would never normally see the light of day. Or hear the music of the night. It's odd, and yet freeing in a way, sort of like a weird personal ad: Divest yourself of the debris of your relationship and help someone else while you're at it.
This is not a humor post, by the way. If you are staring at me waiting for me to say something funny, stop it. No, really.
A couple of questions stand out for me.
Quite a few people have asked me how you know you need to get a divorce; I guess their assumption being that I knew what I was doing. Let's think about that. If I knew what I was doing, would I have married him in the first place? Anyway, in my case, I knew when he said, "I'm bored, I need to take a vacation from my life for a few months, but I'll be back." Ah, I don't think so. (And people think I'm funny? You can't make this stuff up.) There may be better ways to know, I'm sure, but it could be worse, too. At least there wasn't much suspense!
The real answer to that question? Well, I'm no psychologist, but if you are asking, you are probably there, whether you should be or not. That kind of question just doesn't come up a lot in your average happy marriage, I'm pretty sure. Although I am hardly the one to be doling out marital advice, considering my own state of unmarried bliss....
Another interesting question is, "Do you know a good lawyer?" Well, isn't that a loaded question? I am brimming with pithy jokes here, but the truth is, your divorce lawyer is sort of a necessary evil, a best friend who has your best interests at heart, but doesn't really need to know or care about the state of your heart.
You begin this relationship in the midst of crushing pain while your life is crashing around you, which is not, I'm sorry to say, the best basis for making friends. So if you are planning to continue the relationship, you are probably going to be disappointed again. Which, at $250 an hour, is probably just as well. Whenever you see their number on your caller ID you feel this sinking sensation in your gut, like a roller coaster out of control. Which is pretty much how life feels generally, that first year or two, anyway.
My favorite question is, "How are you doing?" Other than having my life come to a screeching halt, crash on the floor at my feet, and just generally suck, I'm great! That is the stock question we ask anyone going through one of life's difficult times, and I ask it too, of course. Sometimes I mean it, sometimes I'm just being polite. But if you want to tell me, I'm listening.
When I was going through my divorce, I just told the truth when someone asked me, because I was too tired to make something up just to make everyone else feel good. Which is why I am now free to post whatever I want on this blog. Everyone I care about already knows everything, anyway! It's very freeing to just be honest. That way, you don't have to worry who knows what, and you can just be yourself. It also enables you to garner lots of sympathy when you really need it. Trust me. There is no pick me up like a sympathetic ear.
One question no one seems to ask, although it's probably the most interesting question of all, is, "How did you feel when he left?" In my case, of course, I was the one left holding the rotting carcass, because he was bored being a grown up. In fact, I got to feel it not once, but three times - first me, then each of my kids in turn.
The first time, the time he really left me, I felt this moment of complete terror, followed by a moment of exhilaration, followed by a moment of panic, followed by a moment of the sweetest freedom I've ever felt. Again, much like being pregnant, if you want to know the truth. And even then, I was already thinking, I will have to write a book. Apparently, writing is my cheap therapy.
It is much harder to watch the light go out of your child's eyes; to see their world completely shatter and fall to pieces around their feet. It is heartbreaking, and you would give anything to keep it from happening. That is not something I want to write about in a book, although if you are thinking about divorce, you should be prepared to see that for yourself, and it will break your heart.
Questions are, I think, the way we know one another as humans, and without them, we can't really see inside someone else's soul. Most people won't volunteer information about their inner selves without being asked a question or two to get them started.
I encourage you, if you know someone going through a very hard time, to go beyond asking how they are, and ask them something that will let them know you truly care. "What is on your calendar this week?" "What day next week can we go to lunch at Panera? My treat!" "I am coming over to help you clean your house this weekend, and then you can help me next time I am overwhelmed."
Ask specific questions, pertinent to their life, that have a specific answer. Don't ask them to make another decision - suddenly all they do is make decisions on their own, and it's a relief to have someone else make a decision for a change. Don't be afraid to dig a little deeper and go beyond the surface, even if it brings a flood of tears or a pained expression. Crying doesn't kill you, it is healing, and it's even more healing when you do it with someone who genuinely cares.
And if you are the one going through the hard time, answer honestly when someone asks how you are. One person letting you down, even when it's one of the most important people in your life, is not everyone, no matter how it may feel. By being honest, you will be free to receive the showers of love and caring and attention that people will shower upon you. There is no balm more soothing than that.
