I learned yesterday that kissing has been the subject of some recent hot study. Researchers have now learned that for 66% of women, the first kiss should be the last, because she is just not that into him.
Men are less choosy, it seems, [I know I'm shocked, how about you?] with about 59% of men deciding to give it up as a lost cause after the first kiss. I don't know - that sounds rather high to me. Men, from my own personal observation, will make eyes at anything that looks back with admiration, especially the mirror. Do you think that is why so many men like dogs?
I have known a few men in my time. I may have even kissed a few of them, but I'm not one to kiss and tell. The idea that people are making Ever After life choices based on that rather insignificant moment in time is somewhat baffling to me. Perhaps this is the answer to where I went wrong in my own decision-making process? I should have paid more attention when I realized that my ex, Mr. Peacock, was gazing so attentively into my eyes because he was seeing his own reflection rather than to what was happening between locked lips.
Kissing is an inter-species activity. Cats touch noses in a show of familiarity and courage that has all the earmarks of a kiss. Dogs kiss everything and everyone that comes within tongue length, a slobbery show of affection that is carried out with complete abandon for those they love.
Kissing is not just for lovers, though. In fact, I would guess that most kisses are exchanged between those for whom romantic love is not in the picture. Parents kiss their young children, and children kiss back with wet, sloppy gifts of affection that leave you sticky until your next shower. Not unlike an animal marking you with its scent, I suspect.
Friends will give each other a kiss on the cheek, and in some circles, especially if you are Gaelic, a kiss thrown across the air is part of a standard greeting. We give kisses to show affection, support or sympathy, a physical display that needs no explanation.
There are many different kinds of kisses, of course. There are short, brief kisses, and long, drawn out affairs. But one thing researchers learned is that you discover a lot about another person subconsciously by kissing them. The area around the mouth and nose is one of the most sensitive areas of the body, and your sense of smell and touch are in full play when you are kissing someone. You pick up all kinds of subconscious cues from the object of your affection, and they can learn some things about you, too.
So, getting back to Valentine's Day, which, if you missed the advertising blitz, was yesterday. Valentine's Day is positively designed for disaster, if you ask me. The retail world sets us up for failure right off the top.
Women have unrealistic expectations, because that is what we do, and consequently, that is what is being sold - advertisers still think we are looking for that knight in shining armour to sweep us off our feet and carry us off on the white horse to Happily Ever After Land. And they must not be entirely wrong, because we do have Valentine's Day as exhibit one for the fact that it works.
In the meantime, no man is ever going to get the perfect gift, since none of them are mind readers, and women don't consider any gift you have to ask for to be perfect. I have to say, I feel for the men on that one, because it's a lose/lose deal for them. On the other hand, they seem to get most of the other breaks in life, so perhaps this is nature's way of achieving balance. I dunno.
A brief digression here. [You knew it was coming, so just stop your sighing and soldier on.] Have you ever noticed how as men age, they supposedly get more distinguished, and attract increasingly younger dates? While as women age, they just looked aged, and hope for someone ten years older to notice them? What is that about? Why is aged wine a good thing, and aged women bad? Mr. Dandy is now dating a woman that wasn't born when he graduated from college, while I am dating...? Oh, that's right. No one. It is a perverse universe, I tell you.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. It now seems our hormones are ever vigilant and looking for the flaws in every potential mate, too, even if we think we know what we're doing. How anyone ever gets together is a mystery to me, since everything seems to be stacked against success. I say, give me chocolate, instead. It's a less complicated relationship.
There was probably a lot of kissing going on around the country last night, although certainly none of it at my house. [Unless you count my dogs, who give me more adoration than is really seemly, which is why I keep them around.] If researchers are right, there are probably a lot of relationships that ended as well, which is probably a good thing, given the divorce rate in this country. Apparently, we should all pay more attention to that first kiss.
Personally, I like mine wrapped in foil, with a little Hershey's flag waving bravely from the top. If you want to find the way to my heart, that's the road map you should follow.
