Being yesterday was the Fourth of July, where here in America, we celebrate the independence of our great nation from the tyranny of taxation without representation, (leaving us all to wonder why the current system of tyranny with representation is somehow better, but I digress,) I got to thinking about what independence day really means. Not Independence Day, the holiday, but the independence days that come into our lives, bidden or unbidden, and allow us to set a new course, or force us to blaze a new trail, in our personal and professional existence.
Independence day is much on mind lately, because I am about to change my name back to the name I started with. Almost exactly 25 years to the day after I took the name of my new husband, I am going back to the old name that I will now wear with a new kind of pride. That will be a happy day for me, one I have looked forward to for many months, and I am anticipating it as a new beginning, a fresh start, freed from some of the events in my life that have held me back and kept me from moving forward.
It is symbolic, I suppose, in a way, to take back my maiden name. I will admit, I do feel it is sort of like taking back myself.
But it is more than that, for me. It is my own personal Declaration of Independence from a life that no longer fits, a world to which I no longer belong. And although that sounds like a negative reaction, on the contrary, for me, it feels like a positive step forward towards the life I now lead, and in which I am, by and large, pretty happy. The married me was sober and serious; that life was a hard path from start to finish. I am hoping the maiden me will be more lighthearted and easy going, not so much wrapped up in what is wrong, more focused on what it possible.
There have been a few independence days in my life, big and small, as there are for most people. There have been the life milestones - the first step, the first time I went to kindergarten and left Mommy behind, the first sleepover. There have been bigger days, too - high school graduation, for example, where suddenly, whether I was ready or not, there I was, an independent adult. Or at least, so the world was telling me. [I'll guarantee you my very own mother will beg to differ, but that's another story.]
I have had some very reluctant independent moments - my father's funeral, when at age 12, I was suddenly dealing with a grown up reality in a child's world, and the day my husband declared that he was done being married to me and walked away, leaving me alone to deal with the fallout of his single-minded decision. I'll admit, I didn't feel very independent that day, but it was the start of something big - the taking over of my own life, and although I didn't know it then, it was a moment of great independence for me.
The last few years have been very difficult in my world. Divorce is a hard thing to go through - be it a nation from it's parent or a wife from her husband. The breaking apart of a family, and the reorganization into something new, hopefully something more functional, but definitely something different, is a painful process.
As a country, we are still a teenager in the eyes of the world. We are brash, self-absorbed, demanding, and often rude to the older, more experienced nations that used to lead the way. But at the same time, we are innovative, fresh, and free of some of the constraints that hold them back and keep them from being everything they can be.
As I approach my own day of independence and freedom, I hope that I, too, can reorganize my world into something fresh and new and beautiful and exciting. It is a challenge, but like most of my countrymen, I think I am up to the challenge.
Happy Independence Day America! And happy independence day to everyone who is experiencing their own personal renewal, whatever it may be. Sparkle a little with me!
