Adoption seems to be a hot button topic in our world these days. It is rarely talked about, except in the context of abortion, which is a strange juxtaposition, indeed, but we won't jump into that bed of hot coals today.Adoption is a tricky topic, one people don't bring up in polite company. People throw the word "adoption" around as if they are talking about pets or belongings, like some kind of blue light special on childhood, instead of real children with real needs and real feelings. The impression is conveyed that the adopted child is somehow not quite up to par, as evidenced by the frequency with which people ask the adopted about their "real parents" or "real families."
I am living proof that adoption is nothing like the popular media portrayal. It is, in fact, a life choice made by people who are giving a forever home to a child in need, and who, in turn, get the child they desperately wanted but, for whatever reason, couldn't get without a little help. Adoption is neither a reality show nor a Jerry Springer episode. It is a lifetime commitment to a child who came into your life by an alternative route, but who is yours every bit as much as one to whom you gave birth. Just ask my mom, since she has one of each.
I could do a long exposition on the stupid things people say to adopted children and their parents, and the ridiculous assumptions that are made. But instead, I will tell you how it looks from the inside out, because for those of us who have been through it, that is really all that matters.
Today, January 3, is the anniversary of the day I became a part of my family. It is a day that we have always celebrated as my "Special Birthday," because there is nothing more special than the day parents and child find each other, however it happens. It is a celebration of the day I was "reborn" into my family of choice, and I, for one, know how lucky I am that it came to be.
My parents had one child, my brother who is eleven years older than me, and a few more failed attempts behind them by the time they got to me. They had been through quite a lot, what with one thing and another, like most parents who turn to adoption, and they were hopeful and terrified through the whole process, waiting and worrying and wondering how it would come out. (Rather like having a baby, really.) Ironically, it turned out to be about nine months between their initial application and the day they first laid eyes on me, but there was a lot more paperwork involved.Of course, as we have seen in the media, there are adoptive families that don't work out. The public has a voracious appetite for the failures in life, and adoption stories are no different. But biology is no guarantee of success, either, as evidenced by the number of biological parents who have lost their parental rights. On the contrary, the worst parents I know are biological, and the best are adoptive. (Of course, I'm biased, since I'm talking about mine, obviously!)
My mom has always enjoyed telling me the story of the day they got me, because it is a happy intersection of two sad stories which ended with everyone winning, which is usually the way adoption works. You take two parents who desperately want a child, and one child who desperately needs a family, and viola, you have the perfect ending.
My story began the same way most such stories do - a rash moment, a bad decision, and suddenly, a baby was in the works. My biological mother, with the support of her family, decided that she was not capable of caring for a baby at that time, so she decided to give me up to a family who could give me what she couldn't. It is a selfless act, one born of love and concern, and I am forever grateful to her. I have always said that first she gave birth to me, then she gave me life by giving me away to someone who could provide everything she couldn't. She is a mother in the purest sense, because she put my needs ahead of her own, and allowed me to go where I would be best off. At least that's my story, and I'm sticking to it!
My parents, meanwhile, made an application with the state of Minnesota, and went through a vetting process that most biological parents probably wouldn't pass. They had home studies, and had to get letters of recommendation from many people. They opened their home, their bank account and their lives to total strangers to pry and peel away and tear apart in an effort to determine if they would, indeed, be satisfactory parents to a child in need. Obviously, they passed.
It was December of 1961 when my parents received the letter from the state that would change their lives forever. It requested them to come in and meet with their social worker right after Christmas. For some reason, despite already having been approved, my parents panicked, thinking this was the end, and they were being turned down.
They went into the meeting with heavy hearts, believing this would be the end of their quest, only to be told that a baby of their very own was ready to be chosen, if only they were still sure they wanted her. Imagine the racing hearts and the unbelievable joy, as they go from nothing to everything in a moment's time. I have often thought about that moment, and I think it must have been similar to finding out I was pregnant, and suddenly, where nothing existed before, there was suddenly a whole other person in my life.
They received a couple of pictures of that baby that would be theirs, to take home and look at while they thought about what was about to happen. My mother kept them for me, of course, the only pictures we have from before they got me. Looking at them now, they crack me up - I look as bewildered by life then as I often feel now.They were scheduled for a meeting right after New Year's, on January 2, to meet the baby and spend an hour with her, to see how everyone interacted, and if this was really what they wanted. The story of that first meeting was something I made my mother tell me over and over when I was little, because of course, unlike most children, I came on approval, and they could have said no.
She tells of being so nervous, driving up to the state capitol that day. They brought my brother, Charlie along, because the social workers wanted to assess the entire family, and be sure this was going to be the right fit for me. Charlie brought along a little doll, at the suggestion of the social worker, to give to me, so I would associate him with something good. (At 16 months, your vision of good is somewhat more limited, so they figured the promise of a new toy never hurt to smooth the path towards success!)
They arrived just on time, parked and walked into the building. They were getting into the elevator when a woman came rushing in, carrying a baby, and called to them to hold the elevator. She was obviously late, and my mother loves to tell how she took one look at the baby in the arms of a stranger and knew that baby was hers. She poked my dad, and they emerged from that elevator grinning from ear to ear, because they had already seen their little girl, and their hearts were already won.
When the woman entered the room a few minutes later, apologizing for the way they had first seen me, my mother didn't care. She only had eyes and ears for me, and they reluctantly left me after the allotted time, knowing that for one more night, they would be without me, but then I would be theirs forever.
My mother has always had a touchy stomach, and she said that night she was sick all night, filled with excitement about what the next day would bring. She scoffs, as she tells how they were sent home to consider the commitment they were about to make, to be certain I was truly the one for them, as if, after all that time, they would change their minds. They took the doll with them, so that, on the next day, I would see the doll and be happy, as if getting a forever family wasn't enough for a little girl.My mother was prepared for a long few weeks of adjustment, and to watch the news, and the handover of adopted children we've been exposed to over the years, you would expect that to be the case. But I am told that I never appeared to miss my foster home at all - I had found my family, where I was meant to be, and frankly, I obviously knew a good thing when I had found it. Sixteen months in foster care was enough for me, and I was not going to mess this up!
My proud parents couldn't resist stopping at the home of a relative to show me off, and so I met my cousin even before I saw my new home. It turned out to be a fateful meeting, since we have been close friends, as well as cousins, pretty much ever since. I have a picture from that day which makes me laugh every time I see it, my cousin and I, two little girls already in cahoots!
Every year on the third of January, my mother would make two little cakes - one for me, and one for my dad, whose birthday came on January 4. I suppose my special birthday eclipsed our celebration of the day my dad was born, but if he resented being upstaged, he never showed it. He died days after his 50th birthday, when I was just a tween, but I am pretty sure I was the best birthday present he ever had, and we packed a lifetime of memories in the few years we had.
If you are ever wondering what really happens in an adoption, I can tell you it is the same thing that happens in any other family. The moment your eyes meet, you become a family, and that is the only story there is. It doesn't really matter whether you are there by nature, or a Chosen Child. You are the child of their hearts, and that is what counts when you are writing the story of your life.
