Seeing your baby transform from a child to an adult is a disconcerting event, to say the least. I know from experience (she is not my first child to turn 18) that I will continue to see my newborn/two year old/six year old/ten year old/ early teen whenever I look at her. But I have also recently realized, especially when I see her in photos, how others see my little girl, and she is not so little any more.Suddenly, she is in charge of her own life and dealing with her own issues; more effectively than I do, in some cases. She is smart, competent, capable and fully functional in the adult world. In other words, the day she has been dreaming about since she uttered her first word has become a reality, and she is now A Grown Up. Sort of.
It is interesting to watch your child become an adult. It has, at least for me, prompted a certain amount of soul searching about my own life; how I got to where I am, and where I would like to be if I was master of my universe. I have made more mistakes along the road than I care to remember, things I wish could have done better, along with the things I am proud of and which I feel I did well.
My daughter and I had a conversation in the car a few weeks ago which prompted some of the recent self-examination. We were talking about some of the big mistakes I have made in my life, and it quite naturally led to the phrase I have often heard people utter, "If I could do [X Event] over again, I would do it differently and get it right." It's a pretty human reaction when things turn out differently than you expect in life.
But when you are talking to your child, it puts those words into a different context, if you really consider what you are saying. The more I thought about it, I realized I had it backwards. We do not have a crystal ball to guarantee that life would have been better if only we had made another choice. We can only know where are, we cannot know where we would be if we had done things differently.
That led, in natural progression, to asking myself a totally different question, one that turned out to be more important to me. What would I be willing to give up in my life as it is now to go back in time and have a second chance to get it "right?"
That is a big question, one that cuts to the heart of your life regrets. Because if you had done things differently, you might have some benefits, it's true, but you would also have a cost. I think, while we are moaning about what is wrong, we owe it to ourselves to also acknowledge what is right, and to recognize that even bad decisions can have positive outcomes.
It is easy for someone who is divorced, for example, to carelessly say that if they could go back and do things differently, they would make a better choice in life partners. I would like to think that I have learned from my mistakes, and have frequently voiced that very opinion.
But, in light of my new vantage point, I turned that around, and asked myself what, in my current life, I would be willing to give up to have that second chance. That answer is much harder, because I value greatly most of what I have now, and I wouldn't be willing to give up much in order to have those years back.
If I had made a different decision when I was 23, first and foremost, I wouldn't have my children. Most parents will say they wouldn't trade their children for anything, of course, and I feel the same way. But if I had never married their father, and hadn't stayed in a marriage that was fairly dysfunctional for too many years, I wouldn't have them.
They have pointed out that if they had never been born, I wouldn't know the difference. But how much would I have missed out on not having my particular quirky, goofy children around? And what would the world have missed out on without them in it, as well? That puts an entirely different price on the cost of having a different outcome, one that would not be worth paying when seen through the lens of my current experience.
All of the consequences don't have to be life and death, of course. I would also have to give up the traveling I've done, the house I live in, the friends I have. I would be a totally different person, because the person I am today is the culmination of my life experiences, both good and bad. There would probably be another house, other travels, other friends, and other experiences, but would they mean as much to me? I don't know. All in all, I'm not so sure I would want to find out.
I could have made a decision to be a working mom while my kids were growing up, and we probably would have been better off financially when the divorce inevitably happened. But would I be willing to give up the many years of being a full time mom to my kids? How would that have changed their lives, and their opportunities?
Would my son be a Ph.D. candidate now if I hadn't been there to push and prod and work with the school to be sure he got exactly what he needed when he was younger? I don't know the answer to that, but I would not want to give up the opportunities he is now enjoying to find out.
My daughter and I have as close of a relationship as any mother and daughter I know. Would we have that kind of relationship if I had not been her room mother six years in a row? Would she be as proud of me, and I of her, if we had not gone through everything we have experienced together for the last five years? I don't know that, either, but I wouldn't give up the relationship we have today for anything.
I live in Kansas City because my ex-husband's job brought us here. I am enriched immeasurably by my life here, from my friends and neighbors to the work I do, all because of the decision I made 25 years ago. Would I be willing to give it up to have a different life experience now? That would be a pretty big sacrifice, and I'm not sure it would be worth it.
When we focus on what is wrong in life, [and rest assured, there is plenty wrong to focus on in mine at the moment,] it is easy to think that I should have done things differently or made better choices. But I am reminded, when I look at my beautiful 18 year old daughter, that even bad decisions can have good results, and for every mistake there is usually a silver lining.
As my daughter launches into her adult life, I wish many things for her. I wish her happiness and success, of course, along with wisdom and courage for what surely lies ahead. But I also wish her the comfort of knowing that whatever goes wrong can also work out all right, and that when you look for the silver lining, sometimes you find a whole jewelry store.
When you reach the inevitable fork in life's road, you have to choose one way over the other, or you will never get anywhere. There is no way to know what would have happened if you had taken the other option, no matter how things turn out. But you can rest assured that even the wrong way can lead to the right end.
Happy birthday to the greatest gift life can bring - my darling and much loved daughter. I wish you many more happy stops along your own path, and a life filled with all good things. When you reach the same vantage point where I currently find myself, I wish you the peace of knowing what is important to you, and the wisdom to spend your time looking forward instead of back.
