Father's Day is always a strange sort of day for me. I had a wonderful father, but lost him far too soon to appreciate what a father brings to your life, or the example that he sets. Thus, Father's Day is not so much bittersweet for me as it is a day off my radar, one that doesn't have a lot of meaning to me, from having rarely celebrated it.
Writing an ode to mothers comes easily and naturally for me. Not only do I have a wonderful mother, I am a mother, and I can easily find many things to say about both roles from long and mostly happy experience.
Writing an ode to fathers is something else again. It is difficult for me each year to find something meaningful to say when I know so little about what it means to be a good father. I know some general qualities, of course - I can go to Hallmark and read cards, like anyone else. I have also observed the reputation of fathers in popular culture, which seems to consist mostly of fulfilling the role of the buffoon in the family circle.
But I do know, from observing those families where the father is an active and valued participant that I have missed something special, something needed, something irreplaceable. Just as there is no substitute for a mother who is missing, there is no compensating for the loss of a father - not just the person, but the function and the role in the lives of their children.
I have often wondered how my life would have been different if my father had remained in it a few more years. What other choices might I have made? What different decisions would have been guided by his strength and wisdom?
There is substantial statistical evidence that fathers, whether they are there or not, have a long term impact on the welfare and happiness of their children over the course of their lives. When the father is missing, for whatever reason, his children are more likely to have trouble in school, to end up divorced themselves, to end up in prison, to have sex earlier and are more likely to get pregnant before they are in a supportive marriage themselves. They are more likely to join gangs, to not attend college, and to have a lower standard of living.
All of those things should be obvious, and yet, we have so many fatherless children in our society that it seems we have sought to trivialize the role a father plays, in order to spare our children the hurt of not having him in their lives. It is a huge disservice, not only to the fathers, but also to our children. They have a right to expect more out of a parent, and we, as a society, should set the bar higher for the men who should be there for their children.
Fathers are not ATM's, child support checks, or stupid buffoons to laugh at. Fathers bring important qualities to the table, qualities that both girls and boys need in order to be successful in their own lives. Instead of denigrating fathers, we should be glorifying those who are there for their families. If we built up the importance of fatherhood, instead of disregarding it, perhaps more children would have that model in their lives, which would benefit society as a whole, as well as their children.
It is possible to be separated from your children and still be involved. I know a father who lives in a different town that has made it a priority to be there for his child, and it shows. She has not felt the lack of a father in her life - on the contrary, she loves and values him for all he has done to be there for her, and she will no doubt look for those same qualities in the man she chooses to be the father of her own children.
It did not happen in a vacuum, of course. Her mother encouraged and enabled the interaction to happen, so that her daughter would have that very valuable person available in her life.
Not all fathers are capable of active participation, unfortunately. Some of them cannot even take care of themselves, to say nothing of children, and have no business being fathers in the first place. That is where other men - uncles, family friends, step-parents - need to step in and take on the role of model for children.
In my life, growing up in rural Norwegian Lutheran Minnesota, we don't wear our hearts on our sleeve. I had various men in my life, especially my uncles, offer to stand in for my father over the years. Mostly, I just turned them down, because there was no substitute for me, and it was too painful. In retrospect, I wish I had taken advantage of that opportunity more often, because I missed the valuable lessons each one had to offer me.
As I got older, I developed a greater appreciation for the qualities that could be found in each uncle. They are a varied lot, some funny, some serious, some playful, others no nonsense. I had something to learn from each one, a truth I figured out much too late in life.
There are a lot of fatherless children in your world today. Whether their father is alive or not, too many children are without that very important and necessary influence, and it is to the detriment of us all.
I encourage every man to step up to the plate, and be the father you should be. Remember that you are a critical part of your child's success, both when they are young, and into their future. Whether or not they go to college, have a stable family, and choose wisely for their own husband and the father of your grandchildren is directly correlated to your positive involvement in their lives. In short, you matter. Never lose sight of that, no matter how television or popular culture may dismiss your positive involvement.
But I encourage each man to go a step further. If you know a child who is in need of a father figure, whether they have a father or not, don't be afraid to step in and be a role model for them. Let them know what they need to hear from a father, because that may be the only way they will get that information.
Don't be afraid to put yourself out there, again and again, because you cannot know how important it may be, or what a difference you will make by taking that risk. A child who appears to be uninterested may just be scared, and you cannot predict when the wall will come down and you will be invited in.
I have spent a lot of time recently thinking about my own father, and what he brought into my life that I lost when he was gone.
He was, first and foremost, a loving and affectionate husband and father. My dad and mom never even disagreed in front of me; I don't think they ever had a fight at all. He would kiss and hug my mom freely, whenever he came into the house or saw her, and with obvious pleasure and passion, letting not only her, but everyone, know that she was the best thing about his day.
He was a perfectionist who got very stressed when things didn't go as he thought they should, but he was also a funny guy, a teaser with a ready laugh and a quick wit. He fulfilled his obligations without complaining, and accepted his responsibilities joyfully.
He took time for me, even when he was too busy, because he wanted to spend time with me. I wasn't a nuisance, even when I was asking a million questions and getting in the way, because he valued the time with me, and had a lot to teach me.
He allowed me to fail with guidance, so that I would learn how to do things right, and his lessons have remained with me my entire life. I understand such unexpected things as how engines work because he took the time to show me. I have wonderful memories of being in the barn with him, following him around, because he never shooed me away.
He was a Scout leader, and a 4-H leader. He was a hard worker, but also understood the value of relaxation. He loved to travel and to fish, and would plan our summer vacation for the first possible moment that we were out of school, because he couldn't wait to go and have some fun. Our vacations are some of the happiest memories of my childhood, and I can visualize him even now, in the back of the fishing boat, messing with the motor, holding his rod and reel, excited to be on the water with his family.
My dad gave to others, as well. He was always ready to bring along a niece or nephew on a camping expedition, and he treated them all with the same loving care he showed his own children. I've only recently come to understand how his life and death affected my cousins, who have their own memories and who miss him for their own reasons, the fact of which had never occurred to me before.
On Father's Day, I can only treasure the memories I have of a man that I loved deeply and who loved me selflessly in return. I am grateful for the uncles who partially helped to fill the void left by his absence, and I regret not saying so sooner. I encourage each man to be the father you should be, and to look around you to see who is being left out that you can invite into your world, and for whom you can be a role model.
I wish each child the father they deserve - one that is there for them every day, in every way a father should be. If you have that father, treat him with gratitude and thanksgiving, because you are fortunate. And if you don't, I encourage you to find a role model for yourself that brings what you need to learn about fathers to the table.
Happy Father's Day to every father. Although you are celebrated on this one day, know that you are critically important to your child every day of their life, and you make a difference to them. Embrace the responsibility, and you will be blessed in ways you cannot even imagine.
