A friend brought a little saying to my attention recently which had the undeniable ring of truth to it. I don't know the author but the words are profound in their simplicity. With apologies to my mother, it is, "Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend." I have expended a fair amount of mental energy in contemplating this truth, and I wanted to expound on it a little further.
We, as fallible human beings, have all stepped in our own mess at one point or another. Whether cow pie sized or a small rabbit pellet, life is full of mistakes that need to be cleaned up. We say things we don't intend, we take an action we later regret, we make a mistake that we cannot undo. There are many reasons why things go wrong, but the end result can be a mess of our own creation. The clean up is hard work, but I have concluded that sometimes doing the hard work on our own is the best way to cleanse the soul, not to mention make amends with those we've wronged..
I am a helper sort of person. Whenever I see someone heading for trouble, I want to stop them, to assist them in making a better decision for themselves, to make them think and reconsider what they are doing so they won't face the bad outcome that they are surely heading for. I have always been a helper - it's in my nature, I guess - but the older I get, and the more life experience I have, the more tempting it becomes to give (sound but unasked for) advice.
Recently, however, I got myself into trouble with that very tendency. My son, 26 years old and far more intellectual than me, stopped me in my tracks one day as I was giving him advice that was unnecessary, and, from his point of view, insulting. He informed me that he appreciates my advice on topics where he is not informed, where he doesn't have all the information, or where I am better educated than he. But on topics where he is the expert, where he has the experience, he does not appreciate my sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong.
He was right. I explained to him that as a mother, his mother, in particular, it's a habit to give him the benefit of my hard earned wisdom when he makes decisions. His response was quite simple. Sometimes, he just doesn't need my help. (He was nicer than that, really, but that is the upshot.) Well hm. He has outgrown the need for my position! My job is becoming obsolete. Now what?!
Since then, I have been contemplating both my need to advise, as well as whether or not it is helpful to others when I do so, especially unasked. Sometimes failure is the best teacher. By assisting and advising, I wonder if I steal opportunities for people to learn solid lessons the hard way, but once and for all, so that they will not continue to make the same mistakes?
I am the sum of my own experiences, and many, if not most, of the hard lessons, were learned the hard way. I have walked the difficult path myself, and have faced the consequences of poor decision making over and over again. Whether I learn from my mistakes or not, the result of the decision is something I must deal with, and in so doing, I have earned the outcome.
Am I truly helping someone by telling them their outcome will be the same as mine? Perhaps they have different reasons for their decision. The circumstances under which it is being made may be entirely different, and the outcome may be, as well. It is possible that the factors which led to my downfall will, on the contrary, lead to their success. We don't always know all the facts when we are on the outside looking in. Perhaps everyone would be better off I simply took a step or three back, and stifled my impulse to assist?
Life is filled with struggles and trials, many of which we must go through alone. Although others can support us, which uplifts and buoys our spirits through the difficult moments in life, in the end, we must walk through the valley on our own. No one else can truly feel what we feel, and whether it's a self-inflicted disaster, such as saying the wrong thing to a close friend, or it was an unavoidable crisis precipitated from the outside, there are times you must find the courage and the faith to handle things on your own.
When I was going through my divorce, I had a very important person in my life who, although she knew it was painful, consistently forced me to face reality and see things as they really were. When I tried to live in denial and look away from the truth, she would take my hand and drag me forward, forcing me to confront the issue of the day. It was hard for both of us, she didn't want to see me in pain, and she certainly didn't want to compound it, but she knew from her own hard experience that the only way to get through it was to do it, and hiding wasn't going to get me any further along the path to healing. She found the right balance, supporting even as she delivered the hard words she knew I needed to hear, and then allowed me to wallow in my own mess until I figured out a way to climb out of it and start over again on my own.
Sometimes the best thing a friend can do is to listen and care, and leave you to figure out the solution to your problems alone. Education is never really free, and life lessons can be very expensive. I am going to work hard to be the true friend indeed, and to give the people I love the space to make the wrong decision, so they, too, can learn the hard lessons once and for all.
I will have many opportunities to practice what I preach in the coming months, as my beloved daughter embarks on a whole new opportunity in a land far from me. I will hold her hand from afar, and hold my breath as she makes her decisions without me, confident that she will find her own way, and learn the lessons she needs to move forward with confidence into her own future.
That is a lesson I will have to learn, and I hope no one helps me. The sooner I learn to let go and let live, the better off we will all be!
