When I was pregnant with my second child, I already had a lively and highly inquisitive five year old on hand. It came as quite a shock, this second chance at the whole parenting adventure. I had endured several miscarriages, and the pregnancy itself was very high risk and fraught with set backs. So I cannot lie - the thought of another child was a bit overwhelming.
But while I was watching the IV's drip into my arm every day while struggling with hyperemesis, I started dreaming about the advantages of having two children, living on fantasy when I couldn't keep down any food! I had the fairy tale picture in my mind of two children working together to bring me breakfast in bed on Mother's Day, and the brilliant family photos we would have. Two children walking hand in hand at the playground, big brother guiding the younger sibling through the minefield of elementary school life. Visions of lego constructions built in concert and reading hours spent curled up together on the sofa filled my addled brain while I laid on the sofa for months.
My biggest fantasy was that I would have a child I was enjoying at all times, because they would be six years apart. There was no way, I imagined, that I would be mad at both of them at once!
Funny how life works out. They turned out to be the best friends I had imagined, which actually meant it was usually two against one. Contrary to my illusions, however, (and as it turns out, almost everything has been,) if I liked one, I liked both, and when I was mad, they were both in the dog house. They did build together (STILL hate those small lego pieces which invariably ended up under my tender feet) and they enjoyed story time, too, although it was always separate because they liked different stories. But sweet little stuffed animals turned into hours of Beanie Baby wars, and driveway hockey became an appropriate activity for my sweet little girl in her dress and knee pads. Who knew life would be like this?! In short, I was unprepared.
Motherhood has been an adventure unlike anything I ever imagined. I thought I was going to be Mary Tyler Moore with a career and a cute apartment and quirky friends and co-workers. There were no children in that picture, and the search for the Right Man was going to be a fun game, but not necessary for my happiness.
As it turned out, my career was being a mom, the children brought me blessings I never imagined, and the Right Man didn't come along until I was 52, long after the children had grown up. Life is so surprising!
I have noticed that whenever a group of men gather, the first thing they want to know about each other is what they do for a living. They define themselves by their careers, and they find a pecking order for themselves based on those choices.
But among women meeting for the first time, even high powered women with important careers, it is not at all unusual for the opening conversation to center around our children. For many women, if not most, our children are the most important thing we do in life, and whether we run an office or a machine or a board room, we identify our success or failure in life by our relationship with and the success of our offspring.
I personally think this is a good thing. Work is not the most important thing about us, and is not what we will be remembered for by the people who are most important to us. If we allow work to define who we are, we diminish ourselves, because a mom is so much more than a career.
Mother's Day is a time to celebrate our mothers, of course, but I think it should also be a time for mothers to reflect on their children. Those magazine photos of an adoring mother in a white gown beaming joyfully down on her sleeping infant are false advertising. The reality is nothing like that. In fact, it is better, because its raw and genuine.
A mom is someone who is there for her children in the way that works for them. It is not about baking cookies (I really didn't) or giving a bath to your baby every night (too tired and dried out the skin.) It is not about the amount of laundry you do (way too much no matter how much it is,) the number of dollars in your bank account (NEVER enough no matter how many,) or the size of your house (too big or too small, rarely just right, because Goldilocks is a fairy tale and life isn't.) It doesn't matter whether you had cows or a library or a freeway or a gas station in your back yard. It is also not about giving birth, however much that experience initially bonds you to the small creature yowling in your arms.
Being a mom, a good mom, is about being there. It is not really about quality time, it's just about time. Whether you work at home or somewhere else, most moms are there in the way that matters most. If your child needs you, truly needs you, you show up. If they call you, you take the call, no matter where you are or what you are doing, because that is your child and you are there for them.
Moms have special vision, too. They see the possibilities the world overlooks. As moms, we look for the good when everyone else sees the failure. We are hard wired to see the beauty in our children, whatever the world may focus on. Even when that vision isn't a two way street.
Speaking for myself, my mother is the most beautiful woman on earth. I cannot imagine a more perfect person to have in my life as a role model, mentor and life guide. She has taught me what matters and what to let slide, how to manage my expectations and how to press for more when it's appropriate. She doesn't expect me to love her as she loves me - instead, she expects me to love my children as passionately and unconditionally as I have been loved by her.
And indeed, I have tried to follow her example and be there for my children as she has been there for me. I love each of my children for their special and unique qualities, for the character traits that they bring to the table of life. Young or old, I am forever a mom, still pressing for them to be the best people they can be. I celebrate with them when they achieve their goals, and cry with them over their failures. I talk to them, hug them, listen to them, and most of all, love to be with them, just as I did when they were little.
As they grow into their adult personalities, I enjoy seeing them become who they are meant to be. It is fascinating to see the traits that they exhibited in infancy fulfilled in their adulthood. Impatience, willfulness, inquisitiveness, generosity, beauty inside and out - all are a part of who they are now.
It is rare, and tragic, for a mother to give up on her child. It is an unspeakable sorrow, a breach which rends the heart broken, a pain that permeates the entire being. There are children who are nearly irredeemable, and yet they are still loved by their mother. To those mothers whose relationship with their child has been broken, I give my heartfelt sympathy, and a prayer that someday their torn heart will be sewn together again.
Although we all accept that mothers are human and make mistakes, most people feel their own mother is the best mother, and that is exactly the way it should be. The bond between mother and child transcends even death. Your mother gets inside your head even before you are born, and you will hear her voice until you die.
As each year passes, I am increasingly aware of how fortunate I am as both a daughter and a mother. I am blessed beyond deserving in the mother God has provided for me, and I cannot imagine my life without her loving support. I am equally blessed to be the mother of two children, unique and individual, a son and a daughter beyond anything I could have dreamed. In the lottery which is life, I have certainly hit the jackpot, over and over again.
Thanks Mom for being the woman you are. You have given me the road map for life and for being the best mother I could be. Your grace under pressure taught me to take one day at a time, and your example of single parenting showed me what the high road was all about. You are simply incomparable, and I honor you today and every day of my life.
Thanks, son, for being my Sonshine each day. From the day you made me Mom, you have been surprising me and pushing me to be something more than I would have been without you. You forced me to grow up and be an adult, because someone had to be! You gave me incentive to work hard and think hard and play hard, because you were there to do it with. You have opened my mind to thoughts and feelings I never knew were possible, and you have given me highs and lows I would never have known without you in my life. I am grateful to be the lucky one you call Mom, and I love you with all my being.
My darling daughter, words cannot express what you have brought to my life. From the moment I first knew you were on your way, you have turned my life upside down and changed my perspective in all the best ways. You have given me a reason to get out of bed in the morning, and you have brought joy and laughter into my life. You have taught me about myself and made me feel emotions I didn't even know I had. You challenged me and pushed me and caused me to go out of my comfort zone in order to be the person you needed me to be, and I am a better person for it. You are my beloved treasure, a priceless gem in the crown of my life, and I am grateful that I am the one you call Mom.
This mother's day, everyone has a mother to celebrate. No matter where your mother is, celebrate her for her success. You would not be the person you are today without her influence, and whatever she got right is worth being grateful for.
And for those of us who are lucky enough to be mothers ourselves, celebrate the children who call you Mom. They have also made you who you are today, just as you are influencing them. You are probably getting more right than wrong, and your children are the ones who benefit from your effort.
How lucky we are to have each other! Happy Mother's Day to all of us!
