Father, Where Are Thou?

For some time now, I have been following a group on Facebook.  It all started innocently enough.  They were discussing the inequities of pay scale between men and women for the exact same job, and how far women are lagging behind in the income for the same work.  The cause is one of justice, and it caught my attention, because it is not only unfair, it is wrong.

But since then, the site has gone far afield on the subject of women's "rights."  I haven't yet unliked them, (although I probably will soon,) because it sort of fascinates me to see how other people think.  In this case, I think they have totally missed the point.  They are like a drowning swimmer, flailing around in the shallow water, foolishly missing the opportunity to simply put their feet on the bottom and stand up.  It is disturbing.

We have just passed another Father's Day, a day that is not really on my radar, except in a negative way.  My own father passed away when I was so young, I never really had the opportunity to celebrate him on that day properly.  My children's father was celebrated each year, of course, but that is certainly not the same, and his level of appreciation for it all wasn't what we might have hoped for.

In fact, my children have often said I was both mother and father to them, and I know exactly what they mean, because my own mother had to fill that same uncomfortable role.  It is a tough one, and when circumstances force it upon you, there is nothing to do but try your best.  But that is inadequate, because women do not have the same skill set as men where their children are concerned, and that is how it is supposed to be.  (And that does go both ways.)

Father's Day is a reminder to me, every year, of the unexpectedness of life.  And it is a reminder, also, of how you have to stretch and grow to fill the role you may not have chosen in life.

It also reminds me of the importance of the different roles we all have in this world.  Every person was created a special order, with our own unique talents and interests, which we bring to the table in many ways.  I think it should be obvious that men and women have different talents and skills, and I don't think it should be something to gloss over or try to eliminate.  I think it should be celebrated and uplifted, because that is what makes us unique.

Most mothers bring a certain set of skills to the job.  We nurture a certain way, we hold our children a particular way, we sing and coo and talk to them softly and gently, welcoming children into the world with gentle love.  We interact with our children up close and intensely, teaching them the interpersonal verbal skills they will need to get along as siblings, spouses, citizens.

Most fathers bring their own set of skills to the table.  They are more rough and tumble, and they teach interpersonal skills in their own way.  Fathers tend to play harder and more physically, encourage differently, and interact with their children in a more physical way, teaching them the body language and negotiating skills they will need to survive in the rough and tumble world of today.

Each parent is necessary and important, and neither one has skills that are more valuable.  We all have value, and that is what so many of these organizations seem to miss.  It bothers me whenever women or men are devalued for their contribution to parenting, because the child is the one who truly misses out, and that is sad.

I realize that everyone is different, and all of this is on the continuum.  Some men are more gently nurturing than their wives, of course, and some women are rougher and harder than their husbands.  But children instinctively know where to go for what they need, and you see it every day when you watch them growing up.

I am not talking about changing a diaper or feeding a child dinner.  All parents should be able to do those things, and all children should know that either parent can be called upon if needed.  But we should also recognize the skills that are unique to each sex, and celebrate those differences instead of trying to dismiss them as unimportant.

I wish that we could simply value men and women for what they do best.  I wish that we could recognize that men and women are different, and fill different roles, without losing anyone in the process.  I feel like we are living in a very confused society, where no one understands their role any longer, and most people are so confused they aren't doing any of it very effectively.  Men are critical to the development of their children; just as critical as women.  Children need their fathers, and we, as a society, have done them a huge disservice by touting a philosophy which says fathers aren't as important as mothers.

We need to pull our fathers back into the picture, make them feel they are critically important to the better lives of their children, and seek ways to reconnect them to their children so that they have meaningful relationships with the next generation.  Too many children are lost, and I think the loss of a strong father has a lot to do with that.

Although it's not a popular viewpoint these days, I think separate but equal is a good thing to strive for.  We are different, mothers and fathers, but our roles are equally important.  No one can do it all, and we need both to have a complete person as the end product.  Growing up without a strong, active father is possible, of course, but it's not ideal.  It is like putting together a jigsaw puzzle with a few pieces missing.  You can see the whole picture, you can imagine what it looks like if you had all the pieces, but it's not quite complete.

Let's celebrate fathers every day, not just on Father's Day, and lets get them back to the table to participate fully.  We need to talk about how important they are, show them how much they mean to us, and allow them the opportunity to be the men they should be, so our children can be whole and complete.

Happy belated Father's Day to all those fathers out there.  You are valued, and you should be very proud of your work.  Your children cannot get along without you, so thank you for being there for them.