I don't know about other people, because their life experience is different than mine, but I know that tough times have led to two relationships unlike any other in my life, one with my mother, and the other with my daughter. (I have a pretty unique relationship with my son, too, but it's different, and anyway, this isn't about him!)
I lost my father at age 12, and ironically, my daughter was 12 when her dad and I separated. Although each situation was different, it was also surprisingly the same. Thoughts, feelings, emotions - they were often mirror images at the same age. I have had the unique opportunity to experience both sides of that coin, and it has allowed me insight to both women that I would otherwise not have had. As hard as it has been at times, it is a privilege to be in my life, sandwiched by these two strong and independent women.
My mother is my guiding light. She never seems to falter, never puts a foot wrong, always has the answers I need to hear, and is unstintingly honest. I have never once doubted her faithfulness to me. She is present in the most real sense, whether we are in the same room or across the planet from each other. She was the greatest role model I could possibly imagine, and as I walked my own difficult pathway as a single mom, I turned to her again and again for wisdom, encouragement and understanding. She was there for me, endlessly, day and night, and never once did she complain. It inspired me, in both good times and bad, to be the best mom I could be to my kids, because I wanted to live up to her.
It is tempting, sometimes, to question my role as a mother, now that my children are grown and living their own happy, independent lives. Am I still needed? Do I provide anything substantial for my children's well being? What is my role when they are hundreds of miles away from me? How do I balance my desire to love them fully with loving them as they need? How do I remain in their lives without getting in the way? It is complicated, this business of parenting adults, especially so long distance.
In the past year, however, I have seen another side. I am suddenly the grandmother, one step removed from daily interaction, and the immediate need is no longer as urgent. But as I watch my daughter mother her own child, it is slowly dawning on me how very present I truly am. Just as my mother was always with me, no matter how far apart we were, I am beginning to realize I am always with my daughter, as well.
Even though we are very different in personality, I see some of myself and my approach to mothering coming through. She does things her own way, of course, correcting the flaws she saw in me, and making her own mistakes along the way. But I am seeing the same encouraging actions as her child begins to explore and learn about his world. I am hearing the same songs quietly hummed at bedtime. I am feeling the love that she showers on him as she goes through her day, much as I did with her at the same age. I am watching her make choices that were certainly informed by the life she led with me. And my heart beats a little faster when I see his delight whenever his mother is in his sight. Because I saw that same delight when she saw me, and I know he is loved and cherished, just as I love and cherish his mother.
As life unfolds before me, I see a circle of love I never understood until now. I see the past and the present and the future all melding together, and my heart wants to burst sometimes for the joy. My mother is the greatest mother I could have imagined, and ultimately, I mothered much as she did. My daughter has told me she feels lucky I was her mother because she cannot imagine anyone else in the role, and I am seeing her mother her child much the same way. Generations of loving mothering are coming through to my grandson, and he is the lucky beneficiary of it all.
It is a special thing to be a mother. It is an even more unique and special bond when you have been a single mom, I think, parenting your children through life's hardest times. Even though I am not with my children on Mother's Day this year, I am present with them, and they are with me. Their voices echo through my mind, and I will always be the voice inside their head, reminding them of who they are and where they came from. And I am lucky enough to be with my own mother, who has been a beacon of hope and peace from the first time she ever laid eyes on me.
Happy Mother's Day to my uniquely special mother. You are absolutely the best mom ever, and I don't know how I would have gotten through my life without you. And Happy Mother's Day to the children who made me a mother, too. Being your mom has made me a better person, and I love you to the end of time. And becoming a grandmother has made my life complete. So Happy Mother's Day to the daughter who is doing a wonderful job of becoming the best mother she can be.
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers who are guiding their children's path through life. You are the lighthouse on the shoals of life, and you are irreplaceable.
