Happy Father's Day!

Until I was 12, I took my dad for granted.  I accepted his unconditional love for me, and for my mother and brother, as a birthright, an expected part of being his daughter.  I thought all fathers were like him, and everyone had what I had in the man they called dad.  I didn’t realize my great fortune in having the father I had.

He taught me about changing oil on the car, what a motor does, how to drive a tractor, how to bottle feed a calf, how to fish, and even how to clean a fish (a skill I have thankfully never had to use, and have now long forgotten, but I’ll bet I could do it if I really had to even now!)  Although he spent his life working with his hands, he encouraged my creative intellectual streak, asking me to sing and play, to write, to be compassionate and to think about things.  He modeled for me by his constant example, both at home and in public, to value my mother and to honor my family in my behavior.  He showed me that love is tender and kind and thoughtful, and he encouraged me to put those I love first.

My dad had the one quality I value more than almost anything in people, a sense of humor.  He made me laugh.  Although no one was perfect, he was as close as it comes, and I was so lucky to be his daughter.

Today was my 43rd year to observe Father’s Day without him.  I have had a lot of time to think about fathers in those years, and observe what they bring to the parenting table.  Here is what I have learned.

Great fathers are born, not made.  It isn’t about putting in a certain number of years, or any specific actions, or their intent.  Great fathers come in all shapes and sizes and persuasions and personalities.  There is no set mold for being a great father, other than one thing.

Great fathers are present while they are able.  That is their great gift to their children.  It sounds simple, and really, it is.  They protect and honor and discipline and feed and clothe and provide for their families, of course.  But beyond that, they aren’t afraid to be there, to be a part of their child’s life, and their family life, to participate and play and experience what their child is feeling and doing in a way that only fathers can.

I have been surprised, at times, by who those good fathers are.  It is not always obvious up front who will step up to the plate and who won’t.  Men can certainly hone their fathering skills, and the good ones all do.  But I have discovered the good ones build on the foundation of quality that is already there, even if it was hidden behind a façade.

I have watched some very young men turn out to be fantastic dads.  I have seen other men who appeared to have all the tools be abysmal fathers.  Fathers are not all created equal.

Not all father figures start out as fathers, or at least, not as our fathers.  They can come into our lives in expected ways, such as an uncle or step-father who fills a void, or they can be unexpectedly present because they see a need and they fill it.  They can come early in life, influencing us into being the people we become, or they can come later, influencing who we want to be, instead.  These men, these substitute fathers, deserve honor as fathers, because they gave the gift of all good fathers - their presence, themselves.  It is the very essence of what makes a good father, and it is a gift to those they endow.

On this Father’s Day, I remember my father with love and joy.  I remember my step-father for his love and affection as I started adulthood and navigated the rocky road of my life.  No matter how much time we have, a good father will always be missed and the loss will be unquantifiable.  But a father’s love is a forever thing, and he is there each and every step of your life journey.  It is enough.