I rarely get into this genre of writing, but this morning I stumbled into a blog post by a so called "mommy blogger" who was expounding on the virtues of her recent epiphany of not blogging about her children. Like most new converts, she was full of enthusiasm for her viewpoint, and somewhat sanctimonious about her freshly developed convictions on the subject.
What she apparently failed to appreciate in the whole piece was that she was still blogging about her children. In fact, she went even further by reminding her readers that she had previously blogged about something so personal for her son that her own father had to tell her to knock it off. By talking about how she was not going to make personal revelations such as these any longer, she was, in fact, talking about them, and reminding us all that she had talked about them previously. Frankly, the whole piece fell flat, since the entire blog was, in fact, about her children's personal lives.
I don't know. I guess I have always felt if you have a conviction that your children or other loved ones are off limits in your writing, then you simply don't write about them. It seems to me that stands on its own, but maybe I am all wet on this.
Naturally, this set me to thinking about my own approach. As usual, it is a little murky and mixed. While I don't generally write about my children or husband, except in the abstract, I do sometimes. But I have a line, which is what I think this mommy blogger actually failed to appreciate.
People have always bragged about their children to family and friends and the world at large. It's part of being a parent, and being publicly proud of your child is affirming for them. But from the post I read, I gather that was not the usual nature of her postings. It appears, in fact, that she was exposing their worst moments for all the world to see and read, forever online in an electronic trail that will follow them until they die.
There is a responsibility we bear as a writer, especially when posting something online, to the people we are including in that post, to not humiliate and embarrass them, even if they are our own relatives; and even if they royally deserve it. Airing your dirty family laundry online is not somehow exempt from the rules of normal civil living. If you wouldn't tell your neighbor in person over the back fence, you surely should have enough common sense to leave it off your facebook page, to say nothing of a public blog.
It appears a lot of people do not have common sense any more.
When my children were young, I attended a mommy "support group" for at-home moms at my church. For many years, and to this day, we shared our lives, our trials and tribulations, our ups and downs. We did not hold back much, because from time immemorial, moms have needed to be real with each other about what it means to be a mom. It's a survival thing, a way of confirming we are not, in fact, losing our sanity while we are slowly losing our minds.
We went through a lot together as moms and as friends, and in all those years, we trusted each other that what was said in that room would stay in that room. We didn't have to sign anything, we didn't need to even speak an oath out loud. It was understood, obvious, that we all had a need for support and uplift, and part of the process is venting. Those women know everything about my life and my children, because we didn't hold back, confident that trust would be upheld.
I think perhaps it is a little too easy to see your "readers" as your support group, and get sucked into the idea that what you are saying doesn't really go anywhere - just a lot of other mommies locked into the same hopeless round of dirty diapers and food everywhere and endless hours spent trying to force your beloved child's eyes closed so you can have a few minutes of blissful peace before the chaos starts all over again.
But the internet isn't like that. What you put out there is forever, and can come back to haunt not only you, but the object of your momentary attention, 20 or 30 years from now. What seems cute or funny to you today may not be so funny to your child when they are out looking for a job post-college.
My rule of thumb is a simple one. If I would be embarrassed to have someone know something about me, I shouldn't say it about anyone else, either. For example, every parent has to deal with potty training, but not everyone needs to know about your child's bedtime accident. So talk about your own frustrations or strategies or methods, and it's all good. Talk about your child's specific troubles, and you have crossed the line. (For the record, I don't talk about potty training at all. The sum total of my advice on the subject is, children rarely go to kindergarten in diapers, so it will happen. Ease up. Relax. Live life. There are much bigger things to worry about.)
A mommy or family life blogger declaring their family completely off limits is to deny a big part of their life. I am a wife and mother, and that is a large part of who I am. I am proud of my family, and I want to share the big moments, just as people have since the beginning of time. I want to share your big moments, too, and enjoy seeing photos and hearing stories about your family. I sympathize with your frustrations, I admire your courage, I feel your pain. I want to share your experience, and compare it to mine. I am always up for good advice, and I enjoy hearing about what worked for others, because maybe it will work for me too.
But if you wouldn't want your spouse's or child's boss to know something about them, don't put it online. It's not rocket science. Seriously. It's simply common courtesy.
In the new age of social media and electronic intrusion, there is still a need for a personal, private existence. Putting your loved ones' worst moments out there for all the world to comment on is not, ultimately, edifying, it is just inept. If your writing is worth reading, you don't need to make your point at the expense of those you love most.
That mommy blogger missed the point. Her epiphany was false. It isn't about whether to write or not to write about the people you love. It's about guarding your family from unwanted and unnecessary exposure for your own glorification, to garner clicks from strangers.
As a writer, I process my thoughts by writing. Much of what I write never goes anywhere but the privacy of my own mind, or at the most, my own computer. I don't share most of my thoughts or feelings, because they are not for the scrutiny of others. I try to give the people I love the same consideration, not because I am better than others, but simply because I love my family.
I hope that mommy blogger finally has the true epiphany and comes to understand that good writing entertains without degrading. Our experiences do not have to come at the expense of others, no matter how entertained we may feel at that moment. Think carefully about what you put online - your child's future depends on your discretion today.
Stop. Consider. Proceed cautiously. The end.
