Whether first, last, or one of several, the birth of child changes the world for you. This helpless individual, completely dependent on your whims, is your full responsibility, and its a big one. In this case, the child was even more helpless than most, being premature and in the NICU for some time before being allowed home. She was just a morsel of humanity, light as a feather, and so fragile she couldn't even cry at first. But the overwhelming love I felt was as big as the universe. I would have done anything for her, from the first moment until this moment.
I have seen a quote from Elizabeth Stone, and it is so true.
“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”
Everything they do, everything that they are, everything they become, is a part of your heart. There is no going back, because they shift who you are, just by existing.
My first child made me a mom, and I didn't think it could be any more momentous than that. It turned my world view from inward to outward, as I realized that everything I did affected him. But my second child, so vulnerable, was just as momentous in her own way, because she forced me to learn to balance and distribute effectively the resources I had to give each one what they needed. It is quite a growth opportunity, to say the least!
Before she was born, I worried about how I could love another child as much as I loved my first child. How ignorant! I laugh now to think of it. How could I have imagined that I would love them both in the same way, such that it could be quantified? They are different people, and I love each of them for their own selves. I wouldn't want to be without either one, because they each bring their unique selves to the table.
They are both adults now, and I am no longer the sun around which their world revolves. I am not even really needed on their day, as they celebrate with the ones closest to them, far away from me. (That is not a complaint, believe me. I couldn't be happier that they have found their soul mates and feel joy in their chosen partners.) But it leaves me thoughtful and reflective about the experience of being their mother, and what it has meant to me.
My daughter has changed my soul. She has brought the party to my life, both in herself, and in her children. She is filled with energy and zest and ideas and interests that are so unlike mine, it has forced me to open my mind to whole new ways of thinking. And yet, she is, in some ways she may not even realize, very much like me, indeed. Her artistic, creative thoughtful nature reflect my own interests. Her musical talent, her writing ability, her turn of a phrase - I often hear my words coming out of her head these days, and it makes me laugh. As I watch her grow in her role as a mother, I see much of my own journey and my own struggle at a step removed. It is fascinating and wonderful to see her find her own way, just as we all have to. (She is doing a fantastic job, too, which is even more rewarding for me.)
She is unique, entirely herself, and someone I would love to know, even if she weren't my daughter. I feel blessed every day that I am the one who saw her first real smile, whose arms she ran to when she was little, who was her first choice of confidant when she was troubled as a teen, and who still spends hours telling me how wonderful her soul mate is. I feel very fortunate indeed that I am the one she calls mom.
Happy birthday to one of the treasures of my life. Irreplaceable you. Thank you for gracing my world.
