I very rarely discuss politics with anyone, because it has become such an incendiary topic these days. The polar extremes have hijacked the process, and everything seems to be all or nothing, either or. That doesn't represent the reality of my life, and I am tired of it all.
Life is nuanced, and there are infinite positions between A and Z. But to find the middle ground, you have to actually be able to discuss the issues, and in the current climate of hate, fear and mistrust, we don't seem to be able to do that, either in Washington, or out in the real world. So, like many others, I focus on my narrow life and avoid even the mention of anything controversial.
But I have been pondering something over the last few days, as I watched Virginia Governor Ralph Northam struggle with past behavior that is less than edifying. And it has made me wonder, is there ever a point at which we get to say, "I'm sorry for what I did in ignorance back then. I have since learned and become a better person." Are we allowed to change and overcome the past? Or are we forced to live forever with mistakes made in ignorance, as if we are incapable of learning from them and becoming better people going forward?
Because in his initial statement, that is exactly what he did. And he was excoriated for it. There was no forgiveness, no allowance that behavior 30 years ago may not reflect the man he is today. It was game done, no redemption, no healing, no transformation that is adequate to expunge the stupidity of a stupid night in college.
Then, of course, he came out with a new statement. [I am going to treat this, for the moment, as a serious statement, not a walk back. More on this later.] Dressing up as Michael Jackson in costume at a Halloween party? That would have been seen as a tribute by most people at that time, I think, not an insult. He was an amazing performer, and all the negative parts of his life had not yet been revealed. I wouldn't have thought twice about someone darkening their skin to look more like him, and I certainly wouldn't have thought they were trying to insult him. He was the King of Pop, and people of all colors and races simply wanted to be like him. We saw all kinds of kids emulating him back then, and rewriting history is unproductive, to say the least.
Two different stories entirely. Two different evaluations. Taken singly, I see the transformative power of either one to make him a better person today. Either way, he may well have learned and become someone different than he was then. Shouldn't we at least listen and reflect a little, judging him on more than just one incident in a lifetime? [As I said, more later on this.]
In looking at this in personal terms, times have changed, and I have grown and learned. For example, I wouldn't use terminology today that was commonplace back in the 60's when I was little, because I now understand how wrong it is. I looked at the underlying context as I grew up, and it has changed and enlightened me. I didn't intend to hurt or make fun of anyone in using the terms back then, they were just words to me. But they are hurtful and insulting because of their history and background, whether I understood that or not, and I personally think that is what matters going forward. Understanding through being informed has transformed me, and I am a better person today because of it. I can't undo my past, but I can do better going forward. Am I never to have redemption for that past mistake, even if sincerely sorry for it? I think redemption is healing while condemnation is a festering wound.
Applying that same standard to public figures, are they ever allowed to say, "I did that then, and I am sorry I did, because even if I didn't realize at the time, it was wrong. But once I understood, I stopped, and would never think of doing it now, because I know better." Are we, and they, not allowed to learn and do better in the future? Is there no moment at which forgiveness outweighs outrage?
I fear we have reached that point in this country about every controversial topic. We are expected to feel guilty about everything we have ever done to offend anyone, for any reason, without ever being able to acknowledge our error and escape the past.
Isn't the important point to learn and do things differently moving forward? If we do, we have made progress, and quite often converts to a cause are the ones who move it farthest, because they truly believe. If we are never allowed to move past our mistakes, what is the point of learning from them?
You may think Governor Northam is a poor example, because he has changed his story since this first came out. But I would argue he is the perfect example, precisely because he did at first apologize and said he learned and grew and changed since that time, and then he changed his apology to something else again entirely. He cannot go back and rewrite his story, it is history now, and it is going to be difficult to find the truth at this point. But we can look at whether his actions since that time reflect one mind set or another. The fact that he is unsure of whether he was part of the party indicates his mindset then - he thought this was a joke, a game, something comical and not serious. But what does he think today, and what have his actions in the intervening years told us about his mindset presently?
I think that is the topic we should actually be discussing. DID he learn? HAS he changed his understanding of this issue? How has he behaved going forward in the years since that time? That is the proof of whether the lesson was learned or not, and how I believe he should be judged today.
When you analyze it from that point of view, I think the shifty change since his original apology certainly calls everything he has said into question. I don't know if he has changed or learned or grown, because he hasn't given us a solid foundation from which to make that judgement. Therefore, I do think he should resign. His integrity is obviously compromised by his walk back statement. But that is why I think he is the perfect example of what I am trying to articulate - we should be trying to determine who he is now, instead of whether his life should be defined by something he did 30 years ago. The sincere apology was worth considering, the walk back, not so much.
I feel the same way about most topics that come back to haunt us many years later. For example, most women my age have been sexually harassed on the job in some way. We cannot go back and change that now, #MeToo disclosures notwithstanding. What we can do is take time to illuminate each others' experiences, and educate both men and women in the work environment, so that going forward, everyone understands the expectation. Isn't that really what we want? For our daughters and granddaughters to have opportunity to work in a safer environment, free from pressure that has nothing to do with job performance?
I don't care if the people who harassed me in the past are dragged into the court of public opinion now. It is over and done with, and I have moved on. I don't feel like dredging it all up again, in fact. But I do care that my daughter doesn't face the same treatment in the workplace, and that things have changed to give her opportunities I didn't have. That is the real value I see in disclosures from incidents 30 years ago; to create change and opportunity out of the negative things that happened then in ignorance.
We live in a confusing world these days. It seems we are descending into tribalism and increasingly insulating ourselves from anyone who thinks differently than we do, at the expense of understanding that there is more than one side to every situation. We used to embrace progress and intellectual enlightenment. Today we seem to embrace ignorance and substitute social media for real relationships. To be informed is to be transformed, not something to be afraid of but something to embrace.
I fear for we humans. We must do better than this, for the sake of our children and their children. Holding us in the past is taking us backwards to a scary place that is dark and dangerous. We have to be able to escape that angry hole of fear and move ahead in order to have a better future. Redemption through sincere apology and change is transformative, something to celebrate, not denigrate.
Learn, grow, change. Words to embrace.
