But I still miss him every day, in a million little unspoken, even unrecognized ways, as most people who have lost their father do. You don't always think about it when you are missing someone. You simply miss their presence in your life. The unanswered questions. The knowledge that never got imparted. The life story you didn't get to share. The years that you wanted but didn't get to have. It is a significant loss, and one from which you will move forward, but never entirely beyond.
How do you quantify the place of a "good" father in the life of his children? How do you begin to understand the irreplaceable confidence you gain from having the support of someone who loves you entirely, but still holds you accountable? Studies have shown that fathers interact with their children quite differently from mothers, all to the child's benefit. Their play is more interactive. They set different standards. They have different ways of speaking and moving and living with their children, which gives a different feel to the foundation of the child's life.
With so much divorce and family separation occurring, I think fathers have had a tougher time being the father they should or want to be. (I think mothers have a harder time, too, but this is Father's Day, so it's about him.) Less time with your child means less influence. Emotions run high, and children have strong feelings about the breakup of their family, all of which affects their interaction with both parents. Practical implications also come into play, because children need stability, and that can work against a parent who is living a ways away.
But I look around and see so many really good fathers today, and it warms my heart. Back in the olden days (when I was little) you rarely saw a dad out alone with their child. I see it all the time now, and it's great. Dad's are in the delivery room, and they are a part of the child's life in a way our fathers weren't even allowed to be. It is all to the good when they are present for that miracle of birth, because the bonding that occurs is irreplaceable, and fosters a connection previously denied to men.
We have a tendency to diminish the present in order to uplift our vision of the past, but on this one, I think fathers today are getting it much more right. They are present. They are interacting. They don't "babysit" their kids, they are an integral part of their life. They are giving the single most important thing they can, their time and attention, and their children are so much better for it.
Unfortunately not all dads get it right. And some dads can't be there because they are gone much too soon. But for those kids who don't have an involved father, there are many men today who are willing to step up and be there in ways that our fathers would never have dreamed. The step-fathers, grandfathers, uncles, family friends, and others who constantly stand in the gap for the missing men who can't or won't be there for their children are treasures beyond all price. You are influencing the next generation of fathers (and mothers) and teaching them their responsibility to others doesn't stop at their front door.
So, on this and every Father's Day, thank you to all those men who have done the best they could to be a father to their child, or to someone else's child. You are valuable, and irreplaceable, and a man to be treasured and celebrated. You deserve this day, and the honor coming your way when your child tells you that YOU are the "World's Best Dad."
And to their fortunate children, give your dad the one gift I wish I could still give mine - spend the time you have with him, appreciate everything he brings to your life, and, at least for today, laugh along with his dad jokes and realize that is his way of bonding with you. Your dad will not be there forever, and when he is gone, you will miss him more than you can even imagine.
Happy Father's Day to all the men who make our world a better place. And if you aren't one of those men, it is never too late to start being the "World's Best Dad." Reach out to your child and make a new beginning. You, and they, will both be better off for your efforts.
