I am officially approaching middle age. September 16 is my birthday, and on this day in 2008 I am turning 48. That seems pretty ridiculous to me. Didn't I just graduate from college? I still haven't figured out what I'm going to be when I grow up. I have no idea how on earth I can possibly be 48. But it seems I am, so I guess I will celebrate that I am having a birthday at all.
Because I probably shouldn't be celebrating my birthday, truth be told. I have had some close brushes, genuinely too close for comfort, with death in my life. I will spare you the details, but I have not allowed my nearest and dearest to get too comfortable with the idea that I will be around forever. I don't really enjoy the excitement of a life threatening crisis myself, but I do enjoy the flowers that accompany it. How about we skip the hospital and just send flowers? Alstromeria are my favorites, and purple is my favorite color. Just in case you were wanting to know.
On this birthday, I find myself looking back on my life more than I have in awhile, I guess in part because for the first time in many years, I am not severely clinically depressed. I realize that I am more or less at the halfway point of my expected life, a little beyond, really, and I think a review of my life is a good way to inventory where I find myself. I think you have to know where you've been, and where you are, in order to determine where you hope to be in your future. Now that I am not depressed, I think a good hard examination is probably in order.
At the age of 48, popular culture leads me to believe that the best is behind me, and I am now on the downhill slope of my life, with very little to look forward to. Even the Hollywood elite who are my age look 30 years younger than me, which is sort of a wonder, really. After spending their days starving themselves and working out and enduring surgery in the endless quest to look 21, I'm not sure why you would want to bother. After all that, I'd need to call it day, because I'd be too tired for the red carpet, anyway.
When did we get so hung up on being young, I wonder? It wasn't all that memorable of a time in my life, and I suspect the same is true for most people.
So why do people want to remain stuck in youth, instead of moving into the richness of the fall of our lives? I am not going to fight it, I am going to move forward into it with anticipation and savor the beauty and the joy that I know will be found just ahead.
I think a lot of people consider that fall is a depressing season, because the trees lose their leaves, and the grass goes brown, and we all begin to prepare for the long winter ahead.
But for me, fall has always been my favorite season. I see it as a turning point, the moment of anticipation, when the very best part of the year is just ahead, and the days will be filled with joy and song and laughter and surprises. The trees lose their leaves, it's true, but not before showing us their greatest beauty, when they turn glorious colors and show us their previously hidden splendor. Harvest is upon us, and instead of the green fields filled with promise, we now have the reality of the crops and the fruits of the labor of so many farmers which have been tantalizing us for so long.
True appreciation is rooted in the full experience. My life journey has taken some unexpected twists, and I think it is worth reviewing, to help set the framework for the future.
I was born in 1960, a Baby Boomer by cohort, but not by nature. I must add that Hugh Grant was also born that year on September 9, which gives us at least one thing in common. [My predilection for bad boys obviously continues, even for the crush from afar.]
Like many born in the early 60's, I have little in common with my older brethren in the Boomer crowd that preceded me, being more like the Generation X'ers who followed. Ironically, although they grew up to chanting slogans about flower power and making love, not war, I would characterize the Boomer generation as angry, filled with angst, and perhaps even self-loathing, in some ways. Their generational heroes sang about the joys of free sex and drugs, and in sync with their "Me Generation" moniker, it seems most of their time was spent escaping from the cozy cocoon their giddy parents had created for them.
As a generation, they were larger than any cohort in history, and as they matured, they have changed every phase of life with them. They were a tough act to follow, and I think, since the oldest Boomers were already approaching adulthood by the time we younger Boomer Lites came along, we have both suffered for and benefited from their leadership.
They continue to believe that the world revolves around them, and they bring that confidence to the table in every aspect of life. They solve problems we need to face, and force solutions where there is little will. Social Security will get revamped, not because there is will in Washington, but because there are simply too many Boomers to go on avoiding it. They will demand advances in everything from single travel to geriatric care, single serving frozen food to the cure for Alzheimer's, because they continue to demand it, and because they are too numerous to ignore. They will change everything, as they always have, because they are them.
We Boomer Lites, arrived into a slightly different version of the world. While our older siblings had "Leave It To Beaver" and Howdy Doody and the Beatles, and sit-in was not yet part of the vernacular, we Boomer Lites lived in a world that had soured from anger.
My early years were a time of war protests and marches, psychedelic flowers and psychedelic people. Our parents drove large cars, so our older siblings drove Bugs. We saw the generation gap up close and personal, and Vietnam was not an exotic travel destination but the name of a conflict that was rending the fabric of our society. We drank formula and watched black and white televisions where "Father Knew Best," while hiding from The Bomb under our school desks. We saw a president assassinated, and civil rights jumped from the pages of "To Kill a Mockingbird" to a violent reality. But as the 60's passed into the 70's, the world was a better place, the war was slowly coming to an end, and elephant pants took the place of fringe and mini skirts.
The 70's were a cultural phenomenon I would really rather skip over. I don't think there is anything good to say about platform shoes and dancing to the Bee Gee's, much as I loved their sound back then. I actually did dance to disco [yes, that is as embarrassing as it sounds,] and we watched the President resign in Technicolor. I had long hair, big glasses, and was, quite simply, the most awkward human being on earth.
My own views of the 70's are distorted from being seen through the lens of grief, and I spent my teenaged years angry and resentful at a world that was not fair. [Someday I will write a post about the stupid things people say to kids at funerals.] The less said about Watergate the better, and President Nixon's salute from the top of his airplane stairs is something I would rather not remember. Along with the rest of the country, I made some poor decisions, and probably some good ones, although the bad ones stand out more in my mind, of course.
I graduated from high school in 1978, which, if you are counting, is an astounding 30 years ago. It was a big year for happenings, and I don't mean my commencement from Kenyon High School and into the world of a college student.
Jimmy Carter was president, and his main positive legacy, the Camp David Accords, were signed, garnering the Nobel Peace Prize for Sadat and Begin later in the year. Cardinal Karol Wojtilya was elected to the papacy, and became Pope John Paul II. Pete Rose got his 3,000th hit back when baseball was still America's game. Jim Jones perpetrated his mass suicide in Jonestown, giving birth to the slang use of the term "drink the kool-aid" to denote those who follow someone mindlessly.
The 1980's were the best of times and the worst of times, both for us as a country, and for me personally. I got married, which should have been a good thing, and I had my son, Adam, which turned out to be the best thing about the entire decade.
Reagan was President, and sold his version of hope to the American public, who were desperate to believe in something again after too many dark years. Reagan was a genuine breath of fresh air after the hapless Carter walked out of the Oval Office and into the humanitarian work he has done so much more effectively. Reagan brought a new enthusiasm to his believers, and it seemed like a new world order had begun. Something that ultimately proved true, as the Berlin Wall came crashing down, and the Cold War came to its ignominious end. At least for now.
The Challenger blew apart, but didn't dampen our enthusiasm or stifle our spirit. I graduated from college and graduate school, sort of, and I went out into the world of work and faced my first battle with unemployment, as it was a buyer's market when I came of age in 1982, and writers were not in high demand. My family moved several times, we went through some tough life crises, but in the end, we landed in Kansas City, and it turned out to be good.
The 1990's, when I was in my 30's, were great years for me. I was a happy and productive at-home mom. My beautiful Erin came into my life to keep me on my toes, and financially, we were finally somewhat secure. It was unarguably a decade of wealth and global expansion, and the country was prosperous and respected throughout the world. George HW Bush prosecuted the first Iraq war as successfully as it could have been done. Political change was felt throughout the world, and Nelson Mandela was released from prison in South Africa. Climate change was becoming a popular issue, and the Kyoto Protocol was adopted by the UN. The World Trade Center was bombed for the first time, shaking the financial markets, and giving notice of grim things to come, and the fear of the Y2K bug had the entire world in an uproar. Looking back, that Y2K bug seems almost quaint, doesn't it?
The turn of the century, that once in a millennial event, marked my entrance to middle age, as well. I do hope that New Year's Eve won't be an omen for the rest of the century, because it was not a good one for me, and so far, it has been a pretty accurate indicator of my life to come. The 2000's have been a rough ride, and I am ready for the next decade any time.
I have seen my son graduate from high school, the Millennials are on the loose, [and if anyone wants my opinion, they are a great generation, and will be just what this country needs,] and I have gone through divorce. I have confronted and dealt with severe chronic depression, and I defeated a life threatening illness. I have a good friend who calls women in the position in life that I enjoyed before my divorce as "independently wealthy single parents" which was about right, and then I became a genuinely single parent, and found out how much harder it is. I have faced unemployment and the frustration of having a skill no one wants, a degree no one cares about, and a rapidly dwindling bank account that has gone from making me nervous to keeping me up at night. It is rumored that into every life some rain must fall, but this hurricane can be over any time now. Could someone at least throw me an umbrella?
Looking back, I was living a fairy tale, but I'm not sorry I had the chance, even though the castle wasn't real. Although I wish I had saved more and spent less, worked part time or gone to school, done something with my life that would have translated into a better opportunity now to support my family when I really need to, I can't be sorry for the choices I made.
The end result is two wonderful children who will be good and productive citizens when they are grown and out of college, which in the case of at least one of them had better be soon. I have the best of relationships with my kids, part mom and part friend, and I feel like they both want me in their lives as much as I want them in mine. I have had the satisfaction of helping a lot of other children along the way, as I served as their room mom, classroom helper, field trip chaperone, and open house sponsor. I have tried a variety of occupations, started my own company and been able to enjoy everything that goes with that, and dealt with making the decisions that direct my own life. I have done my best, over the last few difficult years, to face my troubles with humor and faith and hope for the future, and carried the burdens as lightly as I could.
So now that I have assessed the past, I want to set my course for the future. I can't change the present, at least not all at once, but I want to know that I have a future to look ahead and work toward. What do I really want to be when I grow up? I have come full circle, it seems, and I want to be what I have always been. I want to be the writer, the storyteller, the humorist. I want to educate, elucidate, inspire and uplift. I want to know that I have used the one power I truly possess for the best, and brought joy and comfort and motivation to others. I want to finish my fractured fairy tale, and write my parenting book. I want to finish my auto-biography, I want to write that Bible study I've been planning. I want to take the ideas that have come tumbling from my soul and pour them out into words to share with others.
I am looking forward to the next year, because I have hope for my future, and I believe that God has something good planned for me. And I will make my one year goal: I will meet you back here one year from today with my fractured fairy tale in hand, ready to submit to a publisher. And when I am a fabulously successful author, I will remember you, because you made it possible.
Happy birthday to me!
