Modern life is very complex. We talk endlessly about how difficult and complicated our lives have become. Everything has changed, we pontificate, and the old rules just don't apply any longer.
In my own life, I find that is simply not true. I think life is actually pretty simple, and the rules that I live by are easy to follow and to put into practice. Well, maybe not easy, but certainly clear cut. Common sense and decency, along with basic courtesy, are always in order. And for when I get confused, here are my three rules.
First, if it won't matter in six weeks, then it isn't worth fighting about now. You can choose any time frame, six weeks, six months, six minutes - it really doesn't matter. The point is to clarify how important something is to you. Not important generally, because that is something different again, but important to you, personally. In my own line of thinking, if I won't care in six weeks, which is long enough to be sure it will have some kind of lasting impact on my life, but not so long that nothing applies, then it's just not worth it to me to fight about.
Try it. You will find that so little really matters when put into the context of a lifetime. Someone cuts you off on the freeway? It is unlikely to matter even when you reach your destination twenty seconds later than you otherwise would have. A clerk was rude to you? You will likely forget before you even leave the store. Your spouse or child or best friend said something stupid and thoughtless to you? Let them apologize and then move on. Because fighting all the small battles will exhaust you, and leave you with nothing to fight the battles that really matter.
I have been called a doormat, and told that I need to stop allowing people to walk all over me. I have been told to get a backbone, and to stand up for myself. But I have noticed over the years that people who are accorded those qualities of assertiveness are not necessarily happy. While they may frequently get their way, they aren't necessarily blessed with a lot of old friends. They often seem, at least to me, to be lonely inside, with fractious relationships that tend toward the shallow end, and with a constant churn of people.
I am always suspicious of people who want to be my new best friend, especially when I have known them only briefly. They often seem to be the very assertive people I am not. And the point that people often miss, when they think they are showing me my flaws, is that I am blessed with more old friends than a person has a right to have. And I have the things that are most important to me in my life, the things without which I could not be content.
I think, in great part, that is the proof that proves the theorem. When you are a good friend, when you choose your battles wisely, when you overlook the small stuff, you find yourself on the receiving end of the same courtesies. And since I know the log in my own eye is bigger than the speck found elsewhere, I don't feel compelled to wield anything larger than a tweezers.
My second rule is even simpler. If you would be embarrassed to have your mother or your children know about it, then it's probably the wrong thing to do. I have repeated this to my children over and over again, and I hope it has been drummed into their heads so that they will never be able to make a decision without a fleeting thought as to how it would be perceived by those closest to them.
Sometimes big decisions are hard. You want to go two ways, and you just can't figure out which direction is best. Or, more likely, you know deep down what is right, but you really don't want to go that way. You want the fun road, or the easy road, or the less complicated road. But it is very important to remember that sooner or later, everything comes out. People find out; even your deepest secrets somehow become known. Even if you aren't a celebrity, our private lives are pretty public these days, because the internet and the 24/7 news cycle have created a culture of avaricious vultures who need to know everything all the time. Reality television has taught us that no question is off limits, nothing is too personal, and the celebrity of the minute may be us.
If you really believe that your past won't catch up to you, you are either ignorant or willfully stupid. The permanent record we worried about in elementary school has become an unfortunate reality, and facebook will be there to haunt our younger generation for the rest of their lives. We can google ourselves and each other, and suddenly, most of what we thought was private is publicly and unhappily known, often for the amusement and entertainment of total strangers.
So, if you would be ashamed to know that your children will see it, hear it, or read it on the internet, if you are afraid that your mother will google your name and find out, then you are on the wrong track, and you need to find a map. Possibly a whole new road. Maybe move to a different state. But just remember, the internet is everywhere, and your past can become the present at any moment. Just ask the politicians currently running for office.
Socrates talked about the unexamined life not being worth living, but this is ridiculous. He wasn't talking about the world, he was talking about ourselves. Which is the other point of this rule. Even if no one ever knows, you will know, and that is enough.
I recently read about a study that asked people if they knew, absolutely, no one would ever find out, would they engage in a variety of mostly illegal activities? The results were scary, because there were too many people who answered they would even commit murder, if they knew for sure they would get away with it. Of course, people do take that risk every day, but you would like to think most people wouldn't, no matter what. For me that is the heart of this rule. It really doesn't matter if my mother or my children ever find out. If I do something wrong, I'll know, and that's all I need to know.
My third rule is not about myself, it is about dealing with others. We are in relationship with many people, in all the different facets of our lives; family, friends, neighbors, work, volunteering, school - wherever we go in our lives, we have relationships. Some of those relationships are easy, some of them are tricky, and a few of them are just outright difficult. But in all of them, you will become irritated, aggravated, annoyed, frustrated, unhappy, and angry at some point. That is when my final rule comes into play, and it is the most difficult for me, by far.
You can always say it later, but you can't ever unsay something once it's said. There are no take-backs in real life. Once the wound has been opened, it will always be there, and there will always be a scar.
I used to give my kids an analogy when they made a hurtful or wrong-headed decision: life is like a lamp, and if you break it, it will be forever broken. You may be able to repair it, you may even be able to pick up the shattered pieces and glue it back together. You might be able to get a new shade, or to paint over it. You can say you are sorry for breaking the lamp, and that's a good thing, because you should be sorry. But no matter how much you regret or wish it hadn't happened, that lamp will never again be whole, perfect, without flaw.
Words are like that, too. Once you say them, you own them forever. Whether you use them for better or for worse, they are yours, and you will have to live with them. For someone who is naturally sarcastic and cynical - someone like me, in other words - the temptation is often overwhelming to just say what comes into my head. As an adult, I have learned to filter those thoughts, not only to spare the feelings of the people I care about, but also for my own self-preservation. While I may laugh inside myself at my witty ripostes, I know that I need to temper them with kindness and caring, not only because I don't even mean it most of the time, but because if I want to have anyone else in my world, it's a requirement.
It is somewhat entertaining to see my children take on some of those same characteristics, because I will occasionally hear them say what I am thinking. Although I may wish they hadn't said it, and there are often consequences, [it is a learning process, for sure,] I will still giggle, and wish I didn't have the requirement to filter my own thoughts from public view.
But we only need to violate that requirement a few times to understand the power we wield with the words we choose. To see a crushed face, when you have served up sarcasm instead of support, resentment instead of respect, ignorance instead of inspiration, is a truly horrifying feeling. To know, the very moment the words are out of your mouth, that you have said the wrong thing, and to wish you could take it back, but you cannot do it, is the most helpless feeling in the world. This is disappointment or injury to the very soul, and not only was it preventable, it is entirely without recourse. You have broken the lamp, and you can't ever make it whole again.
No matter how complicated your life may be, and most people lead far more complicated lives than me, I would encourage you to think about the rules that direct your decisions, and to decide if they are helpful or hurtful for your own life. Be honest with yourself. Are you the person you want to be? Is your family proud of your branch on the tree? It is never too late to try harder, to make changes, to begin anew. You may not be able to start over, but you always have the choice to be a better person from this moment forward.
Here is wishing you a life of unbroken lamps.
