I am going to be a maverick today and not talk about the outcome of the election. There, don't you feel better already?
Well, I sort of lied, but trust me, you will be entertained. I simply cannot resist mentioning that our neighbors to the east are, as usual, indecisive about everything they voted on. The jury is still out for them on the presidential election, long after the concession speeches have been made and the victory celebrations are concluded. They have now voted on light rail for the eighth time, defeating their previous positive vote by now voting against it. Again.
Living next door to Kansas City provides endless opportunities to be amused and appalled in equal measure. One would think Quantrill and John Brown were still spearheading their raids, the way the border war continues to rage in some quarters. But honestly, it's not a fair fight. The Sunflower State has it's issues, certainly, but there is simply nothing to compare to politics as usual in Kansas City.
For example, the latest major brouhaha centers on the battle between the mayor, Mark Funkhouser, and their city council. I'll bet you didn't know you could work from home if you were the mayor of the leading city in a major metro area, did you? Well, neither did the KC city council. But, it seems, they underestimated the silliness that could occur when a perfectly adequate auditor would be elevated into his current position as mayor.
He was elected with all good intentions, as people generally are. He was an excellent auditor, kept track of the financial failings of the city to our east as well as it is possible to do. He had lots of plans to clean up the corruption and nepotism and patronage that are still rampant in a city that time has forgotten, and the voters were happy to finally have a grown-up to work for them. Or so they thought.
Enter his wife, Gloria. She is quite the interesting character. They should be a television show. Seriously. She is a mid-wife with an earthy mouth and a pithy sense of humor, the hippie that time left behind. She is always running around in bare feet and long flowing dresses, and requiring foot rubs from the mayor while he is trying to work on official city business. She calls herself a doula, and she teaches childbirth classes from their home and attends her mothers with the love and care that she lavishes on all who come into her sphere. Except, of course, the city council, whom she apparently lives to drive right around the bend.
As soon as the mayor was installed in office, she installed herself just outside his office door, a gatekeeper to greatness, it seems. She called herself a volunteer, since nepotism laws prevented him from putting her on the payroll. She serves as his personal assistant, and writes cards and letters, greets visitors, and schedules appointments for the mayor, as well as vetting those who wish to speak to him on a daily basis. Including the paid city staff, not to mention, the city council members.
She was already a thorn in the side of the paid staff when disaster struck. One of the employees in the office, whom they, themselves, had hired, no less, an old family friend, it seems, sued for discrimination, due to some ill conceived remarks by Gloria the Mouth. Without going into the legalities, the disagreements that were already running fairly high in the office spilled into the open, and the local paper got hold of the dissension in the ranks.
We have, ever since, been treated to a daily side show that Hollywood, if only they knew we were out here in the Land of the Flyover, would certainly try to make a show. Instead of West Wing we would have Left Wing. As in, the mayor has left the building.
The city council, in response to the public outcry over tax dollars being spent to defend the city and the mayor's office from the consequences of Gloria's volunteering, instituted, after much arguing and public discussion, a new rule disallowing volunteering by the families of the city council and the mayor's office except on occasional basis in the city offices. Apparently, they thought that would be the end of it, but they reckoned without the crafty mayor putting his rather substantial brain power to the situation.
His next move was predictable, to those of us on the outside looking in, but the myopic city council was gobsmacked, of course, as they usually are when things don't go their way. He is now working out of his very own home, conducting city business from his residential neighborhood, and his wife still by his side.
They are no newlyweds, by the way. they have been married for some 30 plus years. He simply cannot seem to function in his role as mayor without her to hold his hand.
When I woke up a few days ago to the front page news that Mark and Gloria's Excellent Adventure had gone on the road, I gave a brief snort of derision toward the city council who had not foreseen this outcome, but had to giggle at the same time. Thankfully, I don't live there, and my tax dollars are not going to support this silly nonsense. I can laugh, because I'm not responsible for it.
So, the situation to date, is Mark and Gloria, 2, City Council, -1. The council settled the lawsuit, while Gloria fights on in court, ensuring that, for the immediate future, we will continue to be entertained periodically by the antics of the First Pair.
In case you were thinking there was nothing better to do in Kansas City, I will tell you that it could almost not be worse. The murder rate is skyrocketing, the streets are falling apart in front of their eyes. They have a school district, unaccredited, in nationwide disrepute, with the 20th superintendent in not too many more years.
In fact, last year, seven schools proposed to secede from the union of Kansas City Schools and move to Independence, an irony that has been totally lost on everyone, it seems, except me. In an election in which people in both districts were required to vote approval by a majority, it was a landslide. Apparently, even the people of KC itself know it's a lost cause, and voted for anyone who could to save themselves. Which was probably not a bad idea, since the KC school teachers currently have no contract, and are now accusing the school board of negotiating in bad faith.
I should take the situation across the border seriously, I suppose, but I cannot help but giggle over it all. It tickles my fancy that an entire city can not only be dysfunctional, but a complete mess, and in public. They are like a family party gone awry - fighting over anything and everything, with no one even remembering what they were fighting about in the first place.
Why share this tale with you today? Well, I think it's hilarious, of course. I simply cannot help but be tickled by the improbable actions of a mayor who is determined to win at all costs, and the city council who will not cry uncle when they are clearly down for the count. But I also thought if you are frustrated by the outcome of one election or another, I will lift your spirits and give you a giggle, because I promise you, no matter what the outcome of your election, the Show Me State will show you it could be worse.
I will keep you posted on how this all comes out. In the meantime, enjoy the day. Smile at a stranger. Be happy, because you don't live in Kansas City. Unless, in fact, you do. In which case, save yourself, cross the border. It's a lot funnier from over here.
