I read a quote recently that really resonated for me. John Atkinson said, "If you don't run your own life, somebody else will." Truer words have rarely been spoken, I think, because there is always someone out there ready to tell you where you are going wrong, what you should be doing differently, or how you can be better. The bookstores and libraries are filled to the rafters with self-help books designed to make you the better you, to address all your foibles and to create the best version of yourself.
I have a lot of, shall we say... quirks. In fact, I would imagine most people looking in from the outside would probably consider this a pretty quirky household altogether. We are filled with people and pets and even a house itself that is full of our own little nuances, goofy little things that make us who we are, but which may be hard to comprehend to those outside our little circle.
I don't know if every household has the kind of wacky inhabitants that we do. I only have one household, and don't spend a lot of time in anyone else's. [Although the one other household I do spend some time in is definitely as quirky as ours, so I don't know if that means I'm only comfortable around quirky people, or if it means that everyone is quirky.] But it has occurred to me that the quirkiness quotient is rapidly diminishing, as my children get older and presumably will someday live elsewhere.
My son already has one foot in his own apartment, but he still keeps one foot dangling here, as well. And that foot comes attached to a strange memory failure, which occurs whenever he sets foot in this house. Suddenly, out of nowhere the guy with the photographic memory is unable to recognize a waste basket or dishwasher, and can't remember where anything belongs.
My daughter will go off to college in another year, and then will do the same balancing act. She seems to suffer from some type of odd and thus far medically unidentified tunnel vision, which prevents her from identifying her own belongings anywhere but in her own room, which is always spotless, and of which she is inordinately proud.
And me? I will be left with a lot of memories and an assortment of goofy pets. Since I will have only my own quirks to live with, I suspect they will get even more pronounced, as there will be no one to stand in the way of my having everything my way, all the time. Oh, the power I am anticipating. I will enjoy being a despot in my own little kingdom.
What will I do, when I have the entire house to myself, and no one to answer to? Well, I can list a few things I've been dreaming about for the last few years.
I will have popcorn for dinner whenever I want, without feeling guilty about it.
I will no longer have a week's worth of clothing piled on the stairway.
I will not have shoes impeding my progress from living room to kitchen, waiting there like silent ankle assassins, waiting to trip me up on my way to find sustenance in the middle of the night.
I will go to bed at 7 p.m. whenever I want.
I will be able to open a cupboard door and find all my glassware neatly lined up in rows.
Of course, there will also be some things I won't be able to do any more, and I will miss those things as much as I will enjoy the new found freedoms I will experience.
I won't have the fun of taking my daughter shopping at the vintage clothing stores for the prom.
I won't have a daily hug from someone who calls me gorgeous and really means it.
I won't have someone who appreciates my sense of humor around to hear all my silly maunderings and actually laugh at the right times.
I won't have the daily interaction with someone who loves me and takes me at face value, with no facade possible.
I won't have the fun of talking to young people all the time, which keeps me young and in touch with my inner child. How much less rich my vocabulary will be when I don't know slang expressions like tool and poned. [Although, to be honest, my children will tell you I don't know them now.]
I remember when I went to college, and my own mother, an unintentional single mom for many years at that point, since my dad up and died on us when I was 12, told me she missed my mess. Finally, she just laid some of my stuff around the house to remind herself of me. That, my friends, is love.
I have always lived each phase of my life to the fullest, and I will do so in the future as well. I am rarely sorry to see one phase end, because that means another one is beginning. And as the mother of an adult son who is more interesting than most of the other people I know in this world, I can honestly say I enjoy this phase at least as much as any other that I have been through with my children.
Although my life has been an ongoing struggle, and that has not changed, I feel like now I have two other people who are constantly on my side, who care about me almost as much as I care about them, and who can and will be there for me when the chips are down. We are in this life together, and you can't really ask for more than that from your closest relatives.
Going through a divorce (or the death of a parent, for that matter,) tends to make the remaining family members appreciate each other more, and pulls you together, at least in my experience. Although I should have known it from my own life journey, the most surprising thing about getting divorced, for me, was that my kids consider that they got divorced, as well. It wasn't my divorce, it was ours, and they felt the full measure of the pain involved.
But they also understand, in a fundamental way that children who are more fortunate to have smarter parents who chose more wisely do not, that in this life, you have a team of people in the fray with you, and if you pull together, you are all uplifted, and you all benefit. It doesn't compensate, exactly, for what they lost out on, but it's a good thing to know who is really there for you, and who you can count on.
I have never been a very authoritative parent. I have always felt like I was there more as a mentor and advisor than as a coach. My job is to give advice and provide options, and then to be there to help sweep up the mess when things don't work out. I occasionally get criticized by people who don't understand the internal dynamic of our quirky little group, because they think I don't discipline enough, and I am too much of a pushover.
Perhaps that's true. But I also have children who are grown, or nearly so, who are unafraid to talk to me about anything that is on their minds, who call me first when something goes wrong, who ask for my advice and actually listen to the answer, who think I am smarter than anyone else they know, and who call me their best friend.
And although I have come in for my fair share of criticism for my parenting style, as most lenient parents do, I have also had a lot of people ask me for parenting advice, or even telling me to add a book on parenting to the ever growing list of books I need to write. My response, to one and all, is that you have to find your own style, because you can only do what works for you, and what you really believe in. I can't help anyone else to be the best they can be, not even my own children, because that comes from within, and is part of the very core of who you are as a person.
But I certainly have learned some truths along the parenting journey, and today, as I reflect on it, I thought I would share with you my own personal parenting manifesto. If you can take from it something worthwhile, then I am glad. If not, I encourage you to write your own, and find your own style that will work for you. Parenting is a process, not an event, and you will have an almost endless amount of time to keep refining until you get it right. And in the end, just remember, your children are hard wired to love you, no matter what you do wrong. So relax, and enjoy the ride.
Parenting Manifesto
By Me
-Parenting is a lifelong commitment lived on a daily basis. No one action will determine the course of a child’s life forever; for better and for worse, your child will be influenced by your actions over their lifetime. So don’t sweat the small stuff. Choose your battles carefully, and make sure they really matter.
-Don’t waste time feeling guilty over mistakes or misjudgments. Your child will see how you handle those situations, and use your behavior as a template for their own lives. Use mistakes as an opportunity to teach your children how to learn from failure. This will teach them self-esteem.
-Never be afraid to say, “I’m sorry,” or “I was wrong.” This will teach your child about grace and the healing power of forgiveness. Children have an unlimited capacity to forgive. So should you.
-Accept your children for who they are, and they will accept you, too.
-Always be honest. Children learn more from what they see us do than from what they hear us say, and they model their behavior accordingly. If you want your children to be honest with you, you will have to be honest with them first. If you don’t know the answer, admit it, and use it as an opportunity to find out together. You will teach your child to trust and be trustworthy, one of the most important elements in a successful life.
-“No” is not a dirty word. When it is used lovingly and carefully, you are teaching your child boundaries. The limits you teach will become natural, and will make them better citizens, friends, employees, spouses, and parents.
-Respect is a two way street. You are entitled to their respect, and you should demand it. By doing this, you teach them respect for authority. At the same time, make sure they know you respect them, as well. They are doing their best to fit in to a big, scary world with a lot of strange rules that often don’t make sense, especially when they are young. By respecting them for their efforts, you are teaching them that they are valuable, even if they aren’t exactly perfect.
-Basic values are not relative. Some things are right, and some things are wrong, and that’s the way it is. Children will be influenced by many sources, but they will learn their basic values from you. Use your influence wisely, and on a daily basis. Don’t just talk about values ~ live them each day. Values do not come naturally, they must be learned. Children taught values become adults with principles.
-Over the years, you will receive endless parenting advice. This is a part of parenting, and you can’t escape it. Some of this advice will be good, some will be bad, some funny, some bizarre, some helpful, some hopeless, some stupid, and occasionally, there will be a flash of brilliance. Just remember that every child is different, and what works for one child may not work for the next, even in the same family. You should do what works best for your child and your family. When all is said and done, parenting is mostly trial and error, and you will struggle as all other parents have struggled before you. That is part of the joy and pain of parenting, but nothing can give you greater satisfaction in life.
-Love your children unconditionally, but don’t expect your children to love you back in the same way. They won’t. Instead, they will grow up and love their children they way they were loved, in an endless chain. Seeing your grandchildren loved and cherished will be your reward, and it will happen sooner than you think.
-Your children will never know that you love them unless you show them. Hug them every day, even when they think they are too old. Read to them, sing with them, play with them, be with them. Most of all, listen to them. Establish a habit of listening to them in toddlerhood. They grow up faster than you can imagine, and if they learn early that you listen when they talk, they will still be talking later about the big stuff that really matters.
-Teach them the value of a clean conscience. Facing the consequences of a bad choice may be painful, but they will learn from it. Being responsible is a reward in itself.
-Teach them that they can come to you, no matter what. Let them know you will always stand by them and love them, even in times of trouble. This doesn’t mean you relieve them of responsibility for bad decisions; but that you will be there with them to stand by them when they face those consequences.
-When they know they can trust you in the bad times, they will also share the good times. Those are the moments that you dream of, and nothing else in life will mean as much to you.
-Keep your sense of humor. You will need it! Teaching your children to laugh at themselves is an important key to a longer and happier life.
-Walk with God each day. Don’t just talk about God, live a godly life each and every day. Children should hear God in their parents’ voice, feel God in their parents’ presence, and see God in their parents’ actions ~ then will they know the power of God’s love in their own lives.
-The single most important advice I ever received was this nugget ~ your best is good enough. Remind yourself each night when you go to bed that you did the best you could, and let that day go. Tomorrow is a fresh start, no matter what happened today. This is a prescription for good mental health, for you and for your children. Begin tonight, and make it a lifetime habit.
So what advice would I give, when I am the one jumping in to fill the void? Stop worrying about everyone else's opinion of your own quirky family. As long as it is working for you, it's good enough. And don't forget to enjoy the journey.
