When you have children, you find that your world expands significantly. You start with one tiny baby, and before you know it, there are a bevy of young people invading your space and your kitchen, and, it seems, your heart. As I approach my daughter's graduation day, it is with some sadness that I realize she will soon take her circus with her to college, and the days of chaos will be a distant memory too soon.
I have always enjoyed my children's friends. They are fun and funny, quirky and unique, and they found a place in my heart almost without my realizing it. When my son graduated from high school, I missed the lively discussions and the interesting conversations that came with his friends hanging around the house.
But I still had the more social child here. There wasn't much time to worry about who was missing, since she was always pretty busy filling the space.
I have realized that this fall, my life will be very different. For the first time in 25 years, I will have my time and space to myself, and it is going to be hard to fill. I find myself thinking at odd moments about the kids I will miss, and it brings me to tears. (It has been a wet spring, and it's not going to get any drier, I don't think.)
I have been a mom most of my adult life, and I am not sure I know how to be just me any more. My daughter said recently that she wasn't sure how I would get along without her, because I am always in such a haze about everything. I had to laugh, because she said the same thing before she went off to kindergarten. Just as she worried back then about what I would do to fill my lonely time without her, and how I would ever find my car in the parking lot, she is worrying now, quietly in the back of her mind, about how I will fill my time without her, and how I will ever find my car in the parking lot.
Back then, it was just a short time each day, and I cherished the precious moments to myself. Now I will have days and weeks to fill, and I will miss the fun that comes with having a social butterfly living in my household.
I will miss her friends - the laughing and the talking, the dresses and the goofy stories, the pretty smiles and the bitter tears and everything that goes with having a teenaged girl in your household. I will miss the girls, with their silly stories, and I will miss the boys with their sheepish smiles and shy manners.
It will be quiet around here, especially on dance nights, when I am used to having my bathroom overtaken by girls on a mission of beauty and fashion. I will miss walking into my bedroom and finding a group of people stretched out on my bed watching television. I will miss the talking and the laughing and the stories of all the stuff they have done, and I will especially miss all the times they were kind enough to include me in the happenings.
As your children get older, your world expands to include the people who are special to them. Whether it is their best friend or their girlfriend or boyfriend, the heart has room for everyone, and your life is the richer for it.
I realized awhile back that my daughter's closest friends know our garage door code, and think nothing of using it to come in when they arrive. It is convenient for me, because then I don't have to answer the door. But I also realized that by giving out the code to someone, you are making them a part of your world, accepting them in your circle of trust, and conferring upon them honorary family status.
When this part of my life is over, I will have no regrets. I have lived in the moment, and experienced the fun as it unfolded, and my memories will allow me to relive it whenever I want.
But just in case one of them still needs me once in awhile, I hope they will know that they can always come over for a hug and some conversation. I just hope they don't forget to close the garage door on their way out.
