I have been contemplating what it will feel like to want to tell my mother something, and she will not be there any more. For over 60 years, I have had her there, listening, hearing me out, at the other end of a text or a phone call or on the other side of the table or in her chair.
Let's be honest for a moment. One's mother can be annoying at times. Its her job. She doesn't always meet the mark you set for her. Sometimes she thinks you are wrong, and she is the one person who doesn't hesitate to tell you so. Its annoying to be told when you are 60!
But for the entirety of my life, my mom has been my sounding board, my go to person, the one who knows it all. I have picked up the phone almost every day and talked to her, through some of the worst times, and she has been there, and picked up the phone in the best times, and she has been there. I have worried over her more than anyone knows, especially in the last years, and I have put thousands of miles on my car in four mile bursts running out to fix the remote and the cell phone and sort out this or that when she was confused or just needed some company. We have gone places, and done things most 90 year olds don't do, and every single one was a joy and a delight and a gift I will treasure for the rest of my life.
She went camping in Pipestone at 98 with us. She went to see the Twins play last summer. She went to a concert to see her nephew conduct. She traveled to Alaska just a few years ago. She has gone out to eat weekly. She has spent time at my house, eaten many a meal with me, sat in the sun on my patio, and recuperated in my guest room.
I am lucky to have more memories than a lot of people do, perhaps. But I don't think there can ever be enough. Recently, my mother told me, quietly weeping, that she missed her own mother, who died when she was only 23. I think of all she missed out on, and I know how lucky I am to have had so much more.
One thing this time is giving me is the opportunity to appreciate and reflect on everything while I still have the time to let her know how much I love and appreciate her. I feel like I am in the storm of my life, but perhaps this is the glimmer of a rainbow in the midst.
