When I was growing up, I wanted to be Mary Richards. Mary Tyler Moore portrayed her single, working woman character as beautiful, fun and interesting. She led an exciting life filled with friends, cute furniture, glamorous clothing and people around whenever she wanted. But she had solitude when that was desired, as well. It was, in a word, a perfect life.
As my real life unfolded, I have taken an entirely different path. I got married at 23, I had my first child at 24, I was an at home mom for 15 years, and I got divorced at 44. In short, I have done everything differently than I expected, almost the opposite of my original plan. I have tasted some of the best life has to offer and I have gone through some of the hardest times life can throw in your path. Over the course of my 51 years of living, I have had the opportunity to see and do things that I never even dreamed of, and less than I should have or would have wished.
But the part that really upset the apple cart was getting divorced, and like for so many other women, that has been the hardest adjustment.
I think movies, plays, books, celebrities, and the media, generally, romanticize divorce and make it appear casually easy and main stream. Celebrities are married a couple of years (or 72 days) then suddenly they are aren't, having split up their assets and moved on with barely a backward glance, claiming lifelong friendship and no hard feelings. Movie and book characters suffer for a few weeks before finding their one true soul mate and living happily ever after. And none of them ever seem to truly struggle financially, at least not for very long.
I don't know what it would be like to be married and divorced in a short period of time, because I was married for 20 years. In 20 years, your entire life is wrapped up in the marriage and family unit that you become. The world that you inhabit is enmeshed in the life you build together. Untangling the assets is the least of your worries, as you untangle your emotions and your well being from that of another person, who may or may not be going through the same thing.
It requires a shift of perspective, as you begin to establish yourself as a new unit of one. You have to stop thinking in terms of we and us, and start thinking in terms of I and me. It is a difficult change to make after so many years, and it doesn't happen overnight, or even in a few months. Too much of your life is defined by who you married to just stop being that person, even if you wish to do so.
That is exacerbated if you have been an at home wife and mother, devoting your very existence to building that home and life for your family. Despite the media message that being an at home mom is an easy life, you sacrifice much to do it; a career and a life outside the home is something that most people find very fulfilling. That outside support and validation is lacking when your bosses are your family, and your only affirmation is the hug goodnight from a child who may have been troublesome all day.
I was contemplating the shift in my life recently, because I spent an evening with several married couples; friends who don't share my experience in the way that I have shared theirs. I know what it is to be married long term, I understand what goes into it and what it takes. They do not understand what it is to be divorced, what goes into it and what it takes out of you.
Many people who go through divorce rush into another relationship. Being single can be lonely and divorce strips you of your self-confidence. A new person in your life can validate that you are still special, still worthy of being the love of someone's life, and you are once again part of the club to which only couples belong. If a relationship is what you are looking for, it seems they are out there, even for women of "that certain age" like myself, no longer young and fresh, but not elderly, either. Not all men are trying to regain their youth through a trophy wife half their age, no matter what the media and anecdotal experience tells us.
It seems that people like me, those who have made an active decision not to fall into another relationship, are the rarity. Each of us has our own reason for our decision, but it is a conscious choice to be single, and to remain that way. I have no desire to make a change, even on a temporary basis, and I don't see that ever changing. (I reiterate, if God wants to bring him through my door and drop him in my lap, who am I to argue?! But short of that....)
I think single by choice makes people uncomfortable. To fly in the face of that societal pressure makes you different, unusual, even incomprehensible. I have observed that even celebrities [who generally have a free pass no matter how extreme their behavior] who remain single by choice, while tolerated for awhile, eventually get negatively evaluated for their single ways. What I see as honesty, others see as flawed character, resulting in such criticism as referring to George Clooney as a playboy or untamed instead of forthright about what he wants [and doesn't want] from life and relationships.
Many people go to restaurants for lunch by themselves. They will sit at a small table, perhaps doing some work or reading a book, alone but busy. If you are married and have the illusion that you now understand what it is like to be single, dream on.
If you really want to know what it's like to be single, go to an upscale restaurant alone at night, and ask for a table of one. You will see the discomfort of the other diners, looking carefully away as you dine in single splendor, enjoying the meal you have selected entirely for your own pleasure. It is enlightening, entertaining, and in some ways, very freeing, to go it on your own that way. You will quickly learn how strong or self-conscious you are, as you become the object of displeased, surreptitious glances from those around you. You will make them uncomfortable for a variety of reasons, and they will not like you for it.
Ultimately, we all seek to be satisfied within the confines of our own lives. We have to live with the outcome of our own decisions, no matter what they may be. We are creatures of habit, and most people enjoy living a life of relative conformity. Stepping out of the mold, being different, isn't something most people are willing to embrace.
When I was married, single people were often invisible to me, not because I intentionally ignored them, but because I simply didn't recognize their need to be seen, even when they were right in front of me. Unless we had something obvious in common, their single freedom didn't translate for me, living the married family life. Now that I am often invisible, myself, I find it to be a good opportunity to be the "fly on the wall" of other people's lives.
I enjoy being a Table of One these days. For the first time in my life, I am able to do whatever I want, whenever I feel like it. And for the record, it's fun. I eat leftover popcorn for breakfast, I can have pancakes for dinner, I don't keep milk on hand much of the time (and when I do have it, it is usually outdated,) I answer to two dogs, a cat, a bird, and a tank full of fish, but if I am unhappy with any of them, I can put them in their kennels and go somewhere without them. I eat Southern Fried Chicken because I love it, and I have meatballs and mashed potatoes on my own whim. I don't ever have to buy someone else's brand of toothpaste or toilet paper or butter, I don't have to smell someone else's seafood in my kitchen, I don't have to use a book light when I want to read at 3:30 a.m. (Although the dogs do get very annoyed about the light being on, not gonna lie.) I can stay for dinner at friend's house on my whim, and I can go to Walmart at midnight because I am having a chip craving. I am free to do and be whatever and whoever I want, and I'm enjoying this phase of my life, just as I have enjoyed all the phases thus far.
If you find yourself at that Table for One, embrace the new opportunities it gives you, and find out about yourself. Figure out what is important to you, what you enjoy and what you want from your own life, and go after it. You have only one life, live it well and fully, no matter how many seats are at your table. That way, no matter what happens, you can move forward with nary a regretful backward glance.
Oh waiter! Table for One, please!
