I did something some years back that I haven't done since kindergarten. I fell asleep at my desk. During my work day. Without meaning to. [Blush.]
Most people would be afraid to admit something like that publicly, where millions [okay, tens] of readers could taunt them for their slacker behavior forever more. I, however, am a proud blogger, where nothing is sacred. If I can't make fun of myself, well, I would have to make fun of the rest of the world, but then I would be looking a lawsuit straight in the wazoo, and I am no longer fond of lawyers of any ilk.
Ilk. Don't you love that word? Sounds so smooth. So sophisticated. Cary Grant positively oozed ilk. I do not have ilk. I'm more like Jeff Foxworthy in panties, but that's getting sort of personal, so we won't go down that path any further.
Um. What was my point, again?
Ah, yes. I fell asleep at my desk. I just drifted off right there in my office between e-mails. When I woke up, my face was smashed against a folder, a flat and uncomfortable pillow, with the mark of the clip running across my cheek. Which seems to indicate that it wasn't a momentary power outage, but more like complete grid failure.
How embarrassing, if I were the sort of person who was easily mortified. Which apparently, I am not, since I am openly admitting this on a public blog.
Falling asleep at my desk is not a regular occurrence in the life of Sarah. Frankly, at my age, falling asleep at all is not guaranteed on any given occasion. So I was rather bewildered to awaken very early the next morning to a folder stuck on my cheek and my music blasting. This is not really the preferred way to greet the day, at least for me.
I like to sort of ease into the day, one toe at a time. I slowly open one eye, get a feel for the surroundings, then decide if it is really worth opening the other eye. When I do eventually get out of bed, it is slow going, first sitting on the side of the bed, then sort of dragging myself to the closet for my robe and slippers. In short, I am not a morning lark, and I don't want to rush things.
I have been blessed with a cat who is awake most of the night, and who enjoys sharing her waking hours with me. She loves to lay on my face, purring loudly as she enjoys the company of her person. She doesn't really seem to want anything from me, other than my presence, but she does want to share in the experience of night time wakefulness. Fortunately for her, I am often available.
The dogs, on the other hand, are out like a light as soon as the sun goes down. (To be honest, they are pretty much knocked out all the time, unless something interesting is going on.) But at the first crack of daylight, they are up and raring to go. I am not sure what they expect to happen, since every day we have the same routine, and it does not involve anything exciting. It mostly involves sitting on the sofa with them sound asleep. I guess they just enjoy my company. Really early in the morning.
I remember fondly a time when I could easily sleep until noon. Then I became a mom, and that went out the window. I had a toddler who thought 5 a.m. was the best time to be up and playing. Now he sleeps until noon without a problem, but I haven't been the same since.
As I have aged, I have had more trouble sleeping. There is a myth that old people do not need as much sleep as young people. I think that is wrong. I think old people cannot get to sleep, or stay asleep, and therefore have to cope with less sleep. It isn't a need thing at all. It's a can't thing. I sometimes wonder if that doesn't explain some of the confusion issues in the elderly that are so prevalent. It is hard to think straight when you cannot get enough sleep at night.
My favorite thing is when people ask me why I can't sleep. If I knew the answer to that burning question, I would stop doing whatever it is immediately and get more sleep. I think it is probably the age I am at, the place I am at in my life, the amount of worries I have, the number of things pressing on my mind. Middle age is not for sissies. There is a lot going on in my world, and I have felt the need to worry about all of it, because, well, someone has to.
This morning, I am sitting on the sofa, earlier than I would like to be, but enjoying a peaceful, quiet morning with my sleeping dogs and a nice cup of coffee. I was watching a soft, furry ear twitching uncontrollably, and thinking about how nice it would be if I could just fall asleep like that, any time, any where, and have sweet dreams about something pleasant. I have also been reflecting on the past year of my life, and all the change and upheaval, and my naivete in thinking that it would stabilize at some point.
My lovely daughter shattered that notion some months back by announcing her pregnancy, and this morning, as I sat here in the calm of a beautiful Saturday morning, I have fully realized that the worries will not only never end, they will continue to accumulate. [Apparently, I am a little slow off the mark, but like the tortoise, I get there, eventually.] Now I not only have to worry about my husband and mother and children and pets and work and money and-and-and, but I have added a grandchild to the list. It has dawned on me that life is totally out of my control. What a revelation.
Becoming a grandparent has affected me in unexpected ways. Primarily, I didn't understand how it would change the way I perceived myself with regard to the world. I thought it would simply add another person to my life, but in fact, it is a sort of emotional earthquake, changing my place in the world as much as becoming a parent did 30 years ago. I am no longer the fresh, young person with a whole life ahead to figure things out. Instead, I have experience and wisdom which is gained through living life, and suddenly I have someone new with whom to share everything I know. [Lucky him!]
I don't want to spend my life falling asleep at my desk. As novel as it was to wake up somewhere unexpected, I don't really handle surprises all that well, and I like to lead a well ordered life. I want to wake up in my bed, work at my desk, relax in my off time doing things that I enjoy, and relish my life as much as possible.
I think I will try to live more like my dogs, and be in the moment. The past is over, the future is not yet determined. Anything can happen, but that isn't necessarily bad. I cannot control much of what happens in my life, but I can control how I approach my life. I am a little old to turn over a new leaf, but hey, old dogs can learn new tricks. It just takes longer, and requires a little more diligence.
Maybe that is one of the joys of being a grandparent. You can hand off the worries to the generation you created, and just live for today. Snow White is over-rated. She spent all her time working and waiting on her little charges, and never got to enjoy life. I think I would rather live life more freely, and let the days take care of themselves.
