I recently turned 65, and it has been a trigger for a lot of introspective thinking. I have looked back over a relatively long life, and thought about all the decisions I've made, all the things that have happened, and my hopes for the future. One thing I've thought about a lot is what advice I wish I could have given myself back then, when I was 19 or 20 and making major life decisions that would direct or affect the entire course of my life, but I just didn't know enough to realize it or understand the importance of it all. So here are some thoughts on what advice I would give my 18 year old self.
Choose a major that will get you a satisfying career right out of college. Research your hidden interests and strengths, and don't be afraid to explore the things that you didn't know you were good at. Don't accept other people's opinons and judgements of your strengths, because they don't see all of you and usually have a hidden preconception that blinds them to your realities. Don't worry about starting salary, but do worry about average salary ten years down the road, because that is when you will be making mortgage payments and raising children and saving for their college and your retirement, and by then it is a lot harder to make changes.
Know your own value as a person. When you are dating, believe them when they tell you who they are. The right person brings out the best version of you. They make you feel loved, uplifted, safe and valued. That person is always worth waiting for. The wrong person will make you feel less, as in worth less, loved less, unsafe. If you have to question whether they love you, they don't. And most importantly - they will not treat you better the longer you are together, they will treat you worse because they will take you for granted. If you question your worth because of the person you are with, they are not right for you. Believe it - there will be someone else who will love you better, treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and cherish your life together, but you have to expect that from both them and for yourself and be willing to wait for the right person to show up for you. Marry in haste, repent at leisure is not just a cliche, its for real.
The flip side of this is just as important, however. If you find yourself with someone for whom you don't feel respect, you find yourself treating them badly, do them a favor and gently end the relationship. There is someone out there that is a better fit for both of you, and everyone deserves to be loved for who they are, as they are.
Treat people the way you want to be treated, even if it doesn't seem like its doing anything for you. The only real legacy we leave in this life is how we are remembered. I would rather be remembered for my character than for my bank account, and character starts with doing things with no expectations of anything in return.
Find a few good friends who accept you exactly as you are, and then hang on to them for dear life. You will need them as you go through life's trials. You might be surprised who actually shows up for you, but when they do, they are the people you want around you.
Raising children has no end point. You can soothe your nerves by thinking that the worrying ends at 18 or 21 or when they get married or some other point, but you will always be their mom and it does. not. end. Embrace it.
You are not required to be perfect to be good enough. There will always be someone better at everything you do, so accept yourself at your level, and learn to be okay with it as it is. Life is more fun that way.
Smile at people. It is amazing how that changes people, yourself included.
Life really is not fair. You can do everything right, be a good person, and still end up in a bad place. Its not your fault, its life, and everyone has bad stuff happen. But in the midst of the worst of times, realize it will not always be this way. Eventually things do work out, and sometimes it is better than you ever dared to dream. Believe in yourself and just keep moving forward. Your moment will come.
Take time to do what you love. Life is about more than work. Music, pets, hiking, camping, walking, laughing are all medicine for the soul. Doing it with your children and your grandchildren is even better!
Life goes faster than you think it will. What seems like an eternity at 18 will suddenly be upon you, and you will be looking backwards at more years than you can look forward. Don't spend too much time thinking about it, but do think a little about how you want your life to look in review and set some goals. You can be flexible, but at some point, it is important to have a direction. If you don't, you get nowhere.
A few more quick thoughts:
- Don't waste your life worrying about what might never happen. Its a waste of energy and accomplishes nothing.
- Don't hold on to anger. Forgive for you, not for them, and apologize even when they don't want to hear it. It will eat you, not them when you don't let it go.
- Be kind to people you don't know. You may never know how you change their life, but sometimes you truly do.
- Don't judge what you don't understand. Their experience is not the same as yours, no matter how much you may think it is.
- Do not gossip. Nothing good ever comes of it.
- Listen more than you talk. You are not learning when your mouth is open.
- Be brave. You CAN do whatever you have to do.
- Forgiveness can be granted without allowing people back in. This is IMPORTANT. Repeat until you understand it.
- No is not the wrong answer if it is right for you, no matter what anyone else says. This applies in every situation.
