I have been watching a show recently that has slowly changed my entire vision of empathy. I am a naturally empathetic person, I think, and my life has had some hard moments, which give me insight into other people's painful situations which accentuate that trait. So it is generally easy for me to feel empathy for others. But in watching this show about people struggling with a condition that is completely unfamiliar to me, I find myself in new territory. And I have had a slow realization.
We do not have to walk a mile in someone's shoes to understand their pain is real. In fact, it makes no difference at all if we have any idea of what they are going through. Because their pain is real to them, and it should still matter to us, if we have any ounce of humanity in us. Even if we don't understand it, have never felt it, can't relate to it, even if we don't think its that big of a deal, even, and this is the big one here for me, because I tend to engage in a lot of self-blame, if it is self-inflicted, their pain is still legitimate, its still big to them, and its still a burden on their heart. Isn't that really all we need to know?
I do not have to lose a child to empathize with someone's entire world that has crumbled through that loss. Everyone can empathize with something so huge. However, life is not [usually] filled with endless big moments of huge personal loss. Instead, we are bombarded daily with much less significant moments of personal pain that we disregard and store up and simmer on until one day, a small straw is one too many, and we snap. Whether its anger, tears, frustrated words or something else, we lash out either at someone in our path, or more often, at least for me, ourselves. And then no one understands, because it doesn't really make sense to lose perspective over something so insignificant, even to us.
The particular show I have been watching involves women who are very overweight. I am not clear how this turned up in my facebook feed as I was scrolling, but of course, the moment you click on one reel, you get a hundred more. And then I got interested, as these women revealed their deep feelings and hurts and fears. Then my heart got involved as I watched these beautiful, accompished, delightful women, hiding from the world in their oversized wardrobes and crazy makeup and self-deprecating humor, feeling not only overlooked, but looked down upon, less than, insignificant. And I recognized those feelings and realized that they are feeling the same things I, and most likely every one of us, feels at some point as we wind our way through this journey on this earth. The cause may be different, but the feelings are sure familiar to me.
i have never walked a mile in their shoes. I have read about, but have never experienced, how people treat you differently because you are overweight. I don't really know how it feels to be unseen, unappreciated, or fear your weight is preventing you from living a full life. I can't truly imagine trying to get into a ride at an amusement park and having to leave because the seat belt won't fit or the harness won't close. I do get the wardrobe self-illusion, ironically, because I have done the same thing in order to cover how slender I was at times, but the reasons are so entirely different, I'm not sure it even applies, much less that I understand their mindset. And when I have been told I don't understand, I now, finally, realize they were right.
But I want to improve, and after watching these women, I have realized I don't have to experience it to understand that those whose struggles are different from mine are still feeling the same real pain I do over whatever I am struggling with, and that their pain is as valid and real as mine. We don't have to wear the same shoes to feel the same kind of pain, even if it comes at us differently. A blister is still a bllister, no matter where it rubs.
Life, the full range of it, is what make us uniquely individual. Our loves and fears and thrills and joys and disappointments and experiences all go into making us the unique person we are. But we all share the emotions, and no matter how confident or assured people seem, they are feeling the same emotions we are. Compassion for others is one of the things that differentiates us from animals. Being willing to sacrifice ourselves for someone else is a virtue animals generally lack. Accepting someone's pain is real, even if we don't understand it, takes us to the level of humanity we should be striving for.
I want to live in a more empathetic world, where judgement is left behind, and understanding is the order of the day. No one is self-made. No one lives life in a vaccuum. We need each other. Lets try a little harder.
