The premise is that plus sized brides deserve to have choices in making the most important clothing selection of their lives without fear or judgement, and their boutique in Essex provides that. My heart has repeatedly broken watching these videos, as beautiful young women reveal to Jo and especially Ali their fears, lack of body confidence, feeling unloved because of their weight, etc. What has surprised me, though, is how much I relate to everything they are saying. Every single word resonates for me.
I think people with weight issues have a hard time understanding that thin people may have the exact same body confidence issues as they do, not because they are overweight, but because their self perception is distorted. But eating disorders have some universality, and when you feel uncomfortable in your own body you are dealing with the same fundamental problems, no matter what your size. Body dysmorphia happens to people of all weights and sizes, and it is as damaging at 90 pounds as it is at 250 pounds.
Watching these two women work with the fearful brides has opened up a lot of my own self-perception issues that I continually struggle with. The truth is, their words could have come straight out of my own mouth, in many cases. I have always struggled, when looking in the mirror, to see what other people see. I remember on one occasion a few years ago looking at a photograph of an event and thinking how slender this woman was in the background, and how I wished I looked like that but I knew I could never achieve it, then realized it WAS me. It was a shock to me, because I just do not see that woman when I look in the mirror. I don't know why not, but that is the way it has always been for me.
That struggle has only increased as I have aged, and naturally put on weight, as women tend to do post-menopause. I am not overweight on any chart. I am not unhealthy or terribly out of shape. My doctor says I am in a good place. But when I look in the mirror, I am unhappy and see something else. My intellect and my perception are in two different places, and apparently the twain shall never meet.
But this is not about me, as much as it is about what I learned watching these two women, Ali and Jo, work with their plus sized brides. These young women were beautiful. Each one was special, and really loved by the people there with them. They all had unique qualities and skills and talents, and it was interesting to watch their confidence bloom under the skilled guidance of Jo and Ali. They were overweight, yes, but somehow Jo and Ali were able to make them see that isn't the sum of their worth. On the inside was hiding a beautiful person, well loved and cared for enough to be chosen by someone for life. They took women who wouldn't allow themselves to just feel good about themselves, because they didn't measure up, not to others, but to themselves, and helped them see the woman hiding inside. Oh how I relate.
Most of them had been bullied, some by their own families, many by other kids or adults who didn't understand their underlying battles, and their self-esteem was very low. It may surprise some people to learn that thin people get bullied, too. Hearing comments as you stroll by that you need to eat a few more hamburgers, someone calling you a stick figure or a twig, having people make comments because you have the audacity to eat an ice cream cone or my personal favorite, being asked what concentration camp did you just get out of, is bullying just as much as getting bullied for being overweight, and the comments replay in your head every bit as much. Assumptions are made about thin people, too, and are often inaccurate and hurtful. For example, many very thin people have mental health issues (anorexia is a symptom of depression, for example) which have not been adequately addressed. If your life is out of control, the one thing you can do is control what goes in your mouth, so you do, whether its eating too much or too little.
But the one message I kept hearing from Jo and Ali with every girl they worked with was the most important one - you are enough, just as you are. You are beautiful, you are loveable, and you are worthy of caring for yourself and feeling good about yourself. If I could go back to my 20 year old self, that is what I would tell that girl. Every 20 year old is beautiful. Every 20 year old has her whole life ahead, and will achieve many things that she can't even begin to see now. Every 20 year is worthy of love, and caring, and feeling she is worthy, no matter how she looks, or how much she weighs, or if she is good at doing hair or makeup or whatever flaw she sees in herself. Our value is not in external measurements, but rather, who we are on the inside.
Be a good family member, a good citizen, kind to strangers and animals and children, thoughtful towards those who cannot necessarily do anything for you, work hard, share, (all the things you learned in kindergarten!) and you are enough. We all have trouble areas we can work on, but we don't have to hang our entire self-worth on them.
Repeat this lesson after me. You. Are. Enough.
