Many years ago, I was going through a very difficult time in my life. A lot of people had a lot of opinions on what was happening, but very few of those people knew much of the story, much less the whole story. Even my closest friends didn't really know everything, because you never really do, right? Closed doors don't just keep people out. They also serve as barriers to keep people in, and when we are in messy places, all too often we want to hide the mess behind a barrier, because, you know, people are judgy, and who needs that when you are already judging yourself?
Anyway, I just read something that really resonated for me, and thought I would share a few thoughts about it.
You don't owe anyone your story. Let me repeat, with emphasis. You. Don't. Owe. Anyone. Your. Story.
I feel that statement deeply. When I was in the middle of my messiest period in life, I desperately needed to get away and just feel like any other person again. I didn't want to be the object of pity, or scorn, or even admiration. I didn't feel up to being a role model for survival just then. I didn't want to answer questions, or pretend I was coping when I really wasn't coping at all. I just wanted to be, to have some space to heal the initial wound, and regroup, invisible from people who thought they had the inside scoop, but in fact, knew nothing at all. Because we don't. We do not know what goes on behind closed doors, much less in other people's heads, because we cannot, ever, actually walk in someone else's shoes.
So here's the thing I learned from all that. We don't need to. Other people don't owe us any answers about their lives. They may choose to share a little piece of themselves, but it is their choice, and we are not entitled, no matter how close we may be to them. And people are like iceburgs. You see only a tiny portion of the whole, and its usually not the part that does the most damage.
If I may hare off for a moment - social media has been an interesting phenomenon that I have watched develop. Privacy boundaries have eroded at an astounding rate, and we have now reached the point where some people feel entitled to every single detail, every minute scrap of other people's lives, and feel aggrieved when they find out they don't have that. You see that in celebrity stalkers, or online forums, and it is a little scary. But we even see it in regular, every day lives at times. Everyone, it seems, has an opinion on everything and everyone, and They Must Be Right. You can't just have a different opinion any more. You are either for me or against me, and that mindset is ruining relationships. Its not worth it, folks. Sometimes its better to be loving than to be right (and you may not actually even be right, no matter how sure of yourself you are.) And sometimes you are better off not knowing (or telling) the whole story, because no one else is entitled to it and sometimes least said, soonest mended is correct.
For example, I think my interesting pieces are more to do with who I am, not what I do in a day. And that doesn't flow in a TikTok world where everyone is freneticly racing through life every day, photographing every moment as if their very existence would cease if it weren't documented. I think I am more of an iceburg in a Titanic world. So much is under the surface, but maybe its better if it just stays there.
I don't begrudge young people their social media fun. This is their connection, and their time. My yearning for days of sitting around a table talking about the nothings that make up daily life don't have to be interesting to anyone else. But when you are observing the daily postings of people on social media, I urge you not to judge your own experience or your own life by what you see or read. And even more importantly, don't judge their life by what they are posting. You are seeing a very small portion of their iceburg, and you have no idea what their full story is, no matter how open and friendly they appear. They don't owe you their whole life, you don't owe anyone else your story, and we all get to keep the hidden parts behind the fence if we want to.
The moral of this all is that you own your experience, and no one else really understands it, nor do they necessarily need to. You don't owe them understanding. Be true to yourself, do the best you can, and it is good enough. Its okay to be the iceburg. After all, in the end, the iceburg wasn't the one that fell apart and sank.
