On this day 48 years ago, we buried my father. It was a bitterly cold, windy day, I recall, and I know there were many people present. I know there was a processional, there was music and a sermon, my dad was in a casket at the front of the church, and there was lunch after. But I don't really remember any of that.
I have one overriding memory of that day, having nothing to do with my dad or the reason we were there - I had a hole in a my nylons, and I could not stop messing with it. What started as a tiny finger sized hole, stopped from running with clear fingernail polish, by the end of the day was a run from the waist to my toe. I picked and pulled and prodded and messed with that hole through the early visitation, the service and the lunch after. The only time I wasn't messing with the hole in my nylons was at the graveside, where it was simply too cold to do anything but stand and shiver as we quickly did what had to be done so we could get back inside.
I talk about this now, not to elicit sympathy or to dredge up unpleasant memories, but because I see a parallel to what is happening in our world today, and it worries me. The suicide rate for kids is on the rise, and the isolation and disenfranchisement of Covid-19 has certainly made things worse for kids who already felt detached or unhappy.
In the same way that I focused on a hole in my nylons to shut out the larger, much more painful situation in which I found myself, I think there are many people, especially kids, today who are focusing on smaller issues in order to avoid their very real alienation and fear about what is ahead in a world turned upside down.
Everything we have come to expect has changed. Everything. We have to stay away from our elderly loved ones for their own good, which means that people already at risk for depression and loneliness are even more isolated. Schools have closed and learning is online, which is very difficult for many children, and restricts their social time with friends, which is a crucial part of development. People are working from home, which means less interaction with co-workers and less opportunity to be "noticed" to those above us in the food chain. Needs are higher and volunteering opportunities more restricted as people lose jobs, we are told to remain at home, and money gets tighter and tighter. No matter what happens, half the country is going to be angry about it, truly angry, and a large percentage of them will not cooperate.
And what is the world going to look like when we finally emerge from this fog of illness and threat? We have no idea, other than that things have changed in some permanent way and we will never go back to the way things were.
I urge every single person reading this to pay attention to those around you. Listen to them, not to snap an answer back, but to understand their fears and their worries and their pain, so they feel heard and cared for. When you see someone you love gradually withdrawing from activities they once enjoyed, don't just assume it is the restrictions we are under. Ask them about it and keep asking until you get real answers. Reach out so they know you care and they are not alone in their fears. Encourage them to seek help, and don't be afraid to tell them they need it. There is absolutely no shame in needing some help to process this crazy time we are living through. It is enough to drag down the strongest person, to say nothing of those who were already struggling. They may resent you for it, they may cut you off, even, but if you plant a seed, it may eventually sprout, and that is better than thinking you didn't care at all.
We are living in hard times, and Covid has caused us to distance ourselves at the time we most need each other. We can all get through this together, but only if we pay attention and listen to each other. If you see someone focusing on the hole in the nylons of their life instead of the big events going on around them, pay attention. It may be the only way they can cope with a situation too overwhelming to deal with.
To those who feel life is not worth living any more, please seek help. This will not be forever. Life is more than this moment, hour, day, month or year. We live life over decades, and it will get better. Reach out to someone who cares about you - parent, friend, helpline, neighbor. Be honest and tell them how you feel. If you can't get out of bed, send a text. If you don't care about yourself, know that other people still care about you.
Our legacy will not be told in the possessions we have or the car we drive or the job we held or the material things of life which seem so important when we are busy acquiring them. We will be remembered for the love we shared, the gift of ourselves that we gave, the light we brought to someone's darkness, the way we listened and the way we cared for others.
We may never know whose life we changed, simply by being in the right place at the right time. Listen with your heart. You will be the difference.
