Ladies first....

I read in the paper earlier this week that a historic moment occurred at the White House - all the presidents, former, current, and elect, met for lunch to talk, to share, to inspire and to encourage. It was a moment that shows our country at our very best, I believe, because there are few places on earth where the transition of power occurs so easily, so gently, so orderly. George Bush spoke for most people in this country, I believe, and not only the men who have shared the Oval Office, when he wished the Obama administration well. Our country depends on his success, and where he fails, we all fail.

So seeing the photos of them all lined up together, differences put aside for the moment, looking pleasant and friendly, was a genuinely inspiring moment. [Even Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter, who are notorious for their dislike of each other, were standing side by side and smiling through their obviously gritted teeth.] It makes me feel like perhaps, just possibly, my usual pessimism where politicians are concerned may be unjustified, at least for this day. If these strong, willful men, who have led this nation in a variety of hard times, and with a variety of philosophies, can put aside their egos and their differences to make peace with each other for one afternoon, perhaps the rest of us can, too.

One thing I did not see in that photo, however, was the wives of these powerful men. I think that is a sad oversight. The First Ladies of this country are a rich blend of old and new, graciousness and audacity, brilliance and beauty, and I would love to see their combined star power, too. In fact, I have to say, I probably like the First Ladies more than I like their husbands, for the most part, and I would love to see what they would bring to the table, at a similar luncheon.

We have had many First Ladies since I came along in 1960. They have each had their own unique style, and brought their own purpose and perspective to the job of being the First Spouse, the First Parent, The First Lady. It is interesting to compare them, and to see what each of them have in common, and how they are all different, as well.

Jackie needs no description. John Kennedy famously said that he was the guy with Jackie, and he wasn't too far wrong about that. She was the essence of class and grace and style, and she made it all look effortless. She was never out of step, never out of place, and brought a sophistication to the job that was breathtaking and classic.

Jackie represented the women of this nation on a worldwide stage, and did so in a way that elevated us all. Sort of like Grace Kelly, I think. We all wanted to be the beautiful, regal, Princess for Real when we grew up - they are our dream come true in the flesh. Jackie's death must have left a tremendous void for her daughter, the only remaining member of that tragedy plagued family, but her legacy is certainly one of which her daughter must be very proud.

The next three First Ladies are a little more fuzzy for me, partly because I was so young at the time, and partly because I think they distinguished themselves as individuals more in the post-presidential period, if at all. Although that sounds like a criticism, it truly isn't meant that way. I think some of them were more private than others, and that can be seen in how they have lived their lives since their time at the White House. It seems that for many First Ladies, their real life begins after their spouse leaves office, and they have more freedom to speak their minds, and to do what they feel passionate about.

Betty Ford is a First Lady who has really come into her own in the post-presidential years, and I would very much enjoy speaking to her about her personal passions and thoughts. Betty is a true hero to me, in the best sense of the term, as she has been willing to fight her various very personal battles in public, and allowed her private griefs and pains to be exposed for the benefit of leading others.

Without Betty Ford, I believe addiction issues, and mental illness generally, would still be a much more hidden nightmare, and the many people who have been helped, not only at the clinic she founded, but by her public example, may well still be in the dregs instead of on the recovery path. I admire Betty enormously, as I do her husband. I think they are/were people of genuine principle, people who were willing to do the right thing at a high personal cost because it was best for the country, regardless of the consequences to them personally.

Rosalyn Carter was a smart First Lady, one of the deeper thinkers, I suspect, that have held that honored position, although she kept it somewhat under wraps during the time her husband was in office. But I believe she shares his passion, if occasionally misplaced, for peace, and for making the world a better place for the poor and impoverished, in both body and mind, who are to be found both here in the US and throughout the developing world.

My clearest recollections of Rosalyn personally come after the fact, when she and Jimmy would come to Memphis, Tennessee, where I was living then, to see their daughter Amy, more or less grown up, in art school, but somewhat troubled at the time.

I will digress on a side note here - you wouldn't know I wrote the post if there weren't a tangent somewhere along the line. I have often wondered if Amy was going to be a bit of a mess, no matter what her early years had been like, or if the international spotlight that was shining on her caused much of her difficulties. I can relate to Amy more than any other First Child, being a bit of a mess myself - I hope she has a stable life now, and I hope she is happy.

Rosalyn was ever gracious and poised, and no matter how much pressure she must have felt, she never cracked in public. Her private pains, and they must have been a great burden at times, remained closed off from us, and she often seemed remote, an enigma, sort of unreachable.

Nancy Reagan was not, in my personal opinion, one of the great First Ladies, although I certainly will respect your opinion if you feel differently. She was too cold, too abrasive, too aloof for me to ever warm up to her. Her Just Say No efforts seemed to me, even then, overly simplistic and too narrow in scope, out of touch with the realities of what kids face in their real world lives. Her difficulties with her own children, while drawing a certain amount of sympathy, made me suspicious of her qualifications to tell the rest of us how to parent our offspring, as well. While I am never judgmental about people's parenting, I have made far too many mistakes myself to be judging anyone else's efforts, I don't try to give simplistic answers to other parents problems, either.

However, in her post-presidential years, she has won me over for her honesty and her championship of Alzheimer's Disease and the search for a cure. She could have hidden her hard life circumstances behind the Secret Service protection and the wall of wealth she has every right to enjoy, and just quietly disappeared from view, but instead she chose to come out publicly and be honest about what her beloved husband was going through. It not only humanized her, but it made her a much deeper, much more human, much more real, person, for me, and won a respect that I would never have envisioned feeling for her.

Barbara Bush, as both a wife and a mother of presidents, holds a unique place in the history of American First Ladies. In her dual role, she has been first quietly supportive, and then slightly more openly combative, but ever gracious and steady. Sort of First Grandmother Extreme, if you will.

Like most First Spouses, she kept her opinions to herself while her husband was in the White House, and led us as an Everywoman in late middle age - gracious, pleasant, fluffy hair and slightly weighty, but with no apparent opinions of her own. In her post-presidential moments, the genuine Barbara Bush has emerged, one for which I, personally, have a greater appreciation.

Barbara Bush has handled both of her roles, especially the First Mom, with definite grace under fire. I feel for her, especially so, as she has to endure the constant criticism of her beloved child - it must be excruciating to have to face it every day in every media venue, and not fight back. I have a teensy sense of how that feels, because I cannot stand to read the comments left when my own child writes his weekly column, so I can't even imagine how much worse it must be to be assaulted by it in a constant stream every day and night.

I think Barbara represents the old guard of White House women - the seen but not heard crowd. The role of the First Spouse is theoretically to be a personal support to the POTUS, and hold his family together while he holds the country together. [And yet, First Ladies are also expected to be a public person, supporting charitable causes and out representing us in the public arena. They work very hard, and they have to meet 250 million expectations. I think it's ridiculous that we refuse to acknowledge that work and put them on the payroll, giving them credit for that place in their spouse's administrations. But once again, I digress.]

The First Mom has expressed her own ideas and opinions on occasion, and they are surprisingly moderate, I think. [Don't get me wrong, I know she is no Liberal, so no need to get conservative shorts in a bunch, but she appears to be much more centrist than either her husband or her son, which I find refreshing.] My impression of her now is of a rather fiery woman with strong opinions, and no reluctance to express them within her own sphere. The First Mom is a much more interesting woman, considerably more complex and thoughtful than she appeared in the White House years, and I find myself wishing we had known her better while HW was in office.

Hillary was, and remains, a polarizing character. Hillary shattered the traditional mold for First Ladies, I think, and made it clear that they have minds and passions of their own, and great ability, if only we allow them to pursue it. I think we have spent too much time wasting a valuable resource by not allowing the First Ladies to have a voice, and I think it's time we acknowledge their skills and their influence, and give them the tools to make a difference.

Hillary was much more visible, and clearly helped to drive policy while her husband was in office - I have no doubt at all that her mind and intellect are not only a match for her husband, but possibly exceed his - but she was not a popular First Lady with much of the country. She seems to have a genius for alienating people on the conservative end of the spectrum, despite being, according to the people working with her in the Senate, willing to work through things in a bi-partisan way. Her friends, though not large in number, are dedicated to a fault, for the most part. Her own loyalty seems to me to be self-evident - if you will stay with a cheating spouse through a national debacle like the one they went through, I don't think anyone can fairly argue her loyalty, whether you consider it misplaced or not.

After her highly criticized open leadership of the health care task force, she pulled back, and rightly so, realizing that she had become a negative distraction to the very causes that were most important to her. And while she didn't go away entirely, she was, in most ways, a fairly traditional First Spouse from then on. It was our nation's loss, I believe, because we would be better off today if we had some type of affordable national health care for everyone, [although spare me the government administration of it; I have seen Medicare rules, and it is a nightmare,] and her interest in children's issues is long standing and seems to be genuine.

Her post-presidential time has been spent earning her place in history in her own right, and she has certainly made an impact. She has apparently earned the grudging respect of her fellow Senators, even the Republicans, who report that she is a hard worker, and no prima dona. I think, if you are fair, you give her credit for that, even if you don't like her. There is no question she has been one of the most publicly active former First Ladies in history, and will now have earned her own place in the history books for her presidential run and her Cabinet post.

And yet, for me, the woman who should be a natural POTUS candidate is not. I would never have voted for her, for my own reasons, which are neither conservative nor liberal, but moral and personal, and had nothing to do with her cheating spouse at all. Her willingness to shift and bend the truth to fit her own purpose reminds me a little too much of someone else I know, and makes me believe that she is not to be trusted with the type of power that is inherent in the position of POTUS.

Hillary is a fascinating person, and while I wouldn't want her behind the desk in the Oval Office, I would love to sit down and have a conversation or ten with her. I think the incoming First Lady would be well advised to have some one on one time with Hillary, and to cultivate that relationship, because I think she would learn a lot, from a mind that has some things in common, even if the moral code is vastly different.

Our current First Lady seems to be more of a traditionalist, the First Wife and First Mother figure with a modern flair. I do not think she is without her own opinions, despite not having aired them in public the past eight years - loyalty to her husband and daughters is obviously her first priority, and I suspect that we will hear more of her thoughts when her husband is out of office than we did while he sat behind the biggest desk in the world. I think it would be ignorant to assume she did not give her advice and opinion on a wide range of topics, and I find it unlikely that her husband made any big decisions without her knowledge, if not approval, at the very least.

Laura has been the consummate First Lady - gracious, generous, modest, genuine and mostly quiet - and she will leave her position with the respect and admiration of the overwhelming majority of the American public. I think Laura has done as much to publicize the situation of women in the developing world as anyone could have, and I do hope that she will continue that vital role once her husband leaves office. Her efforts towards literacy are laudable as well, and I think her daughters' choice of professions speak loudly as to the importance of her personal beliefs in the value of education and literacy in this country.

Just as we watched her sympathize with those who have faced hard times, and you could see the emotion she expressed was genuine, we have sympathized with her discomfort in her own hard times. From her husband's low approval ratings, to her children's unfortunate public mistakes - mistakes which most teens make, but made in the public eye, it had to be far more embarrassing - to her righteous indignation over the shoe throwing incident, which revealed, I think for the first time, that the First Lady has a bit of a temper, we understood her position, and have mostly been respectful of her personally.

Although those incidents opened a shutter on the window a little, I wonder what we will learn over the next 20 years that will surprise and enlighten us about Laura. Most Americans seem to admire her, but I don't think very many people feel they know her. I suspect that is just the way she would like it to be.

I don't know enough about Michelle Obama to know what she will bring to the job, but I do know she is smart, she is driven, she is a woman who puts her children at the top of her priorities, and she doesn't know how to pick the right dress for election night. [Seriously, Michelle, NEVER go out in public again without asking your daughter if you look good. That goes double if she is a teen, as she soon will be.]

I hope that she brings the obvious passion and drive to her new position, and will find a way to make a difference. I expect she will advise her husband, just as I assume all of the First Ladies have, and I hope that in the course of the next four years, she is given the information she needs to give good advice.

I hope that she is able to be the First Mom, and still be Sasha and Malia's mom, without being criticized [or applauded] for every single thing she does. Would you want that scrutiny on your parenting? I sure wouldn't. We have young children in the White House again for the first time in many years - I am excited about that, as I think we have a new opportunity for a more youthful focus. In these times of economic crisis, it won't hurt to have the First Daughters visible to remind us of who pays the price for the mistakes we make today. One hopes that their parents will have that firmly in mind as well.

So who would you choose to spend an hour with, if only you could? Which First Lady would give you the most fascinating hour, the most to think about, the most to learn?

I would enjoy an hour with Rosalyn Carter, because she is such an enigma, and I think one on one I would get a better sense of who she is and what is important to her. I know very little of her, really - even in the post-presidential years, she is one of the least visible First Ladies still alive, and I think it would be interesting to see history from her point of view. While her husband is running all over the world monitoring [and interfering] and whatever else he is doing, where is Rosalyn, and what is important to her? It might be a fascinating hour, and I suspect I would find out that her passions ran as deep, if not as visibly, as her husband's.

I find Barbara Bush much more interesting than her daughter-in-law, but I don't harbor any illusions that either of them would have time for the likes of me. Barbara was a nice counterbalance to her slightly wonkified husband, and brought a personal touch to a presidency which otherwise might have been too distant to reach the common man, while Laura brought a touch of grace and class to a presidency in a very troubled time. I wouldn't turn down an hour with either of the Bush women, although I think there are others that would be more interesting to me personally.

I couldn't pass up an hour with Betty Ford, if only to tell her thank you for lighting the candle for so many people. She leaves an incredible legacy of courage, and hope, and I believe that my own battles with clinical depression were made easier by her willingness to talk about things that nice people didn't talk about in public before. I would be proud to spend an hour honoring this very special woman, who has given this country much more than a First Lady.

I would enjoy an hour with Hillary, because she is brilliant and fascinating, and it would be educational and an extraordinary challenge to tap her knowledge. I suspect we wouldn't leave the meeting as best friends, but I think I would leave with admiration for her sharp mind and her ability to be flexible and see more than one side of an issue. I can admire someone I don't like a whole lot, and I think that is where an hour with this former First Lady would probably leave me.

I hope, for Michelle Obama's sake, that she will have the benefit of talking to each of the living former First Ladies, and will have the chance to learn from them what her role could be, what she should expect, what mistakes they made that they wouldn't make again, and what they wish they had done that they didn't do.

I hope she will have the time to learn from each of them what their strengths were, and how to deal with the pressures and loneliness of the position. Laura Bush was singularly fortunate in having that resource immediately available in the form of her mother-in-law, and I have to imagine that was invaluable to her. Michelle comes from a different world, so I hope that these women, each different, but with this enormous shared experience, will reach out to her to give her help, just as their husbands have reached out to Barack to offer wisdom and advice and encouragement.

For the first time in as many years as I can remember back, it seems we are coming together as a country to face the hard times we must face. This is not a moment in time, like 9/11, where we are reacting out of shock and fear, but a gradual dawning of the realization that we are in it for the long haul, and we sink or swim together.

The very special group of living presidents, past, present and future, is an extraordinary vision of how it could be. It was uplifting to know, even in these troubled times, that it is possible to have a common mission, and that the goal of democracy and freedom rests on the ability of the governed to step aside and allow for a free flow of ideas from all sides. Let's see the Ladies show that same solidarity. Heck, most people like them better, anyway. And they will certainly make a prettier picture!

Oh Christmas Tree....

This past weekend, I engaged in the tradition of the reverse holiday - the dismantling of the Christmas tree so recently procured and adorned in all its finery, the centerpiece in the festive atmosphere of our home. Putting up the tree is fun, and even at my age, holds the excitement of anticipation and unknown treasures, as you look forward to what might be waiting for you under that tree in a few weeks.

Taking the tree down is depressing and sad - all the pretty little ornaments packed away in their individual boxes, lonely and hidden for another year, when the season will once again overtake me. It is difficult not to recall the past year when you take down the tree, I think. There is something about the dismantling of the tree that makes me want to dismantle and dissect my life, as well.

What has the past year held for me? What did I do right? What did I get wrong? What will I continue to do, and what will I never do again?

I have gone through many changes in this past year, both internal and external, it seems. I have gained and lost - I don't know if in equal measure, and I'm not sure it even matters.

While many people use New Year's as a chance to make resolutions and address changes that need to be made, I become retrospective and introspective. I think you have to know where you went right and wrong in order to know what to keep and what to throw out. So the process of moving forward involves looking backward as its first step.

In looking backwards, I am grateful to be leaving 2008 behind. It was a hard year, both for me personally, and in the life of this nation. There are many people suffering hardship of various kinds right now, and we all hope that 2009 is a kinder, gentler year, I am certain.

But I also take the hard life lessons of 2008 with me, and I hope they make me a better, fairer, more thoughtful, more dedicated, more effective person going forward. If there is a reason to celebrate the start of a new year, it has to be the opportunity to clean the slate and start fresh once again, with new attitude and new enthusiasm and new hope for what is to come.

But I am a realist. Life is what it is, and I am unlikely to see a change in my luck, simply because the calendar has turned a page. However, I think much of what we see as good luck or bad luck can be reframed to produce a whole new attitude. [Please note I said much, not all. If I thought it was all based on perspective, I would certainly change my course immediately to fix the problem!] So if I have a resolution for the year 2009, it will be to reframe the negatives that are thrown my way, so that I can see where the glass is half full whenever possible.

I got the opportunity to put this resolution into practice early, as my toilet fell apart, delivering a watery mess to my upstairs bathroom floor on January 2. Late Friday afternoon on a holiday weekend, and suddenly, I have a water saturated bathroom. Naturally, because it will make things more exciting, [and let's face it, I am still me,] my water shut off valve breaks in the middle of the fiasco, allowing even more of the wet stuff to spew unabated. I go to turn off my brand new water main shut off valve, to find that it, too, leaks, although not at crisis levels.

At this point, I threw up my hands, I informed all who were listening that I hate my life, and I called the plumber. Who was, as you might expect, out of town for the weekend, with no backup available. Next, I call my fix-it guy, who saves me regularly when I'm in over my head, but no answer.

Now what? Naturally, I head to the hardware store, mother in tow, to see what I can do about the situation. And this is where the reframing begins for me.

Because my guy, Kevin, called me while I was there contemplating which shut off valve I needed, and offered to drop everything to come and save me. An offer which I accepted with alacrity.

The floor, although damaged, is not as warped as I would have feared, and miracle of miracles, there was no damage to the ceiling below. This, despite the bleach filled cleaner tablet that I had placed in the tank for the first time ever, immediately prior to the leak occurring. {Could those two things be related? Hmmmm.]

The bolts, which had rusted out, allowing the leak to occur in the first place, are similar to bolts in the remaining toilets, so Kevin will come and replace them the next time he has an hour free with nothing better to do, so this will not happen again.

I have a new shut off valve, one which is less prone to breakage, so that will hopefully not be a problem any longer on that toilet.

It only cost me $39 to get the whole situation under control. [Not counting the damaged vinyl flooring, of course. But let's face it, it's my kids' bathroom, so we all know that isn't going to get replaced any time soon.]

All in all, I was very fortunate, because the whole thing could have been a lot worse.

Reframing the situation will take some practice, I fear, but it is possible, even for a cynic like me. Maybe along with the Christmas tree, I will have thrown pessimism into the compost heap, and 2009 will be the year of the renewal. Wait! Is that hope I see?

Happy New Year to you, and here's wishing you many more to come!