It is hard to believe, but 25 years ago, come July 21, I married the man I thought was a dream. As regular readers of my blog are aware, that decision did not pan out as well as I had hoped. [I am ever the optimist....] But this is not about him, so I will leave it at that and not take any of the pot shots you are all waiting for, and which, in my opinion, he so richly deserves. (Okay, that was a teensy, weensy small sauce pan shot, I realize, but sometimes I just can't help myself.)
The best things to come from that ill fated union were my beloved children, who continue to surprise and delight me every day of my life. I cannot imagine what life would be without the two people to whom I have devoted so much of my time and attention over the last 24 years, and I don't really care to speculate on it, either. But I do know that when they came into my world, it changed for the better, and I would not be the person I am today without them.
A few other positive benefits resulted from that time in my life, which now feels like someone else's life, if you want to know the truth. I have a house I wouldn't have, I have a frilly little high maintenance dog that I adore, I have a lot of stuff that I probably don't need, but really like. I also live in Kansas City, which still surprises me. [For those who were born and raised here, I'm sorry to have to say this, but Kansas City is not exactly the apex of cool places to live for the rest of the country. Enough said.]
A few negative impacts have also resulted from that hasty and ill advised decision I made all those years ago when I was young and stupid. [I realize I have left myself wide open to the observation that the only thing that has changed is that I am now old and stupid. I leave it to your discretion. Personally, I think I've wised up a lot in the last five years, but I know I have a ways to go.]
The biggest negative impact is to my children's well being, which has been severely strained by going through a divorce. For all those who are fooling themselves out there, thinking that THEIR divorce will be different and the kids won't get hurt, let me just enlighten you.
Divorce is a quick trip to hell, and the road back is a lot longer than the slide in. You will survive, your kids will survive, but if you think it won't affect the rest of all your lives, you are kidding yourself. I did everything in my power to protect them and to help them, and they still got hurt. Divorce is painful, and it changes you forever, and there is no escaping that unfortunate reality.
However, there is a bright spot in all the agony. The nature of crisis is that it either splits a family apart, or brings them together. Most of the kids I know who have gone through a divorce find their siblings in a way that siblings in a stable family don't.
My kids have a strong, loving relationship completely outside of the one they have with me, and it is one which will serve them well for the rest of their lives, long after I am gone. That has been a goal of mine since I first learned that child number two was on the way, and it is something that I know they cherish. When my daughter calls her brother her best friend in the world, she means it, and it is a really special thing.
I have also forged a bond with each of my children because of our experiences during the divorce that we would not have had otherwise. We were always a team, of sorts, I think, but the divorce clarified and strengthened those bonds for us into a tight knit unit that I cannot imagine anything ever shattering. We have enough confidence in our relationships with each other that we have no fear to allow others in, and I swear I will be the world's best mother-in-law. Seriously. In fact, I am ready and waiting for the girl of my dreams to take over the care and maintenance of my son. [He is almost 24, tall, dark, and handsome, and VERY available, by the way.... Just sayin'.]
The delicious irony of this 25th anniversary is that on the 22nd of July this year, I am going back to my maiden name. I never actually lost it, it was always a part of my name, but now I am formally dropping the married name and going back to the last name that I was given the day my parents claimed me for their own.
My maiden name is one I wear with pride - my father's life long gift to me. It is a name that was conferred by my relationship to a man whose life was much too short, but lived very well, and it is a name I am lucky to call mine, as well. I am fortunate to wear my last name as a badge of honor, and I will do the best I can to enhance, and not diminish, that name, as I carry it forward.
I am also, in the process of changing my name, rectifying a wrong that has annoyed my mother for the last 40 some years - I am correcting my middle name to the one she always wanted me to have, and which, for some unexplainable reason, was not on my birth certificate. When pressed as to the reason she didn't just correct it after the fact, her answer is a simple shrug of the shoulders, and an "I don't know."
But after all she has done for me, the very least I can do for her is to make sure my name is the one she wanted me to have - Sarah Elizabeth, after two women in the Bible. There is a meaning to my name, one which resonates for her. Sarah and Elizabeth were two women who waited through all their childbearing years to have their beloved children, just as my own mother waited for me to come along. After much heartache and despair, I finally arrived on the scene, just as their children came as a surprise to them at the end of their childbearing days.
Ironically, taking on a new middle name has not been difficult at all. It has always felt like my name, more than the middle name I carried, and is comfortable and satisfying to me. I have never been fond of my first name, but with the addition of Elizabeth, suddenly, the name feels right. The kaleidoscope has turned, and at long last, the pattern has resolved, and it is bright and colorful and lovely.
I hope that with the change of name, so to will my luck and fortune change, as well. I hope that the new name will change my perspective, change my expectations, change my resolution, change my outlook. I hope that with the new name will come new opportunities, new attitudes, and new interests. I hope to keep the best of the old, and find the best of the new.
So, come July 22, 2009, I will proudly take the name that has always been mine. Hello world! Sarah Elizabeth has finally arrived. Better late than never.
