Happy Father's Day....

Today, June 19, 2011, is Father's Day. We set aside one day a year to honor the fathers among us, something that should be a simple, straight forward occasion. But somewhere along the line, the relationship between fathers and children has gotten complicated, confusing, and fraught with pitfalls.

Mother's Day is an easy slam dunk. We know the role of mothers in the lives of their children, and most children, whether they are five years or 15 years or 55 years, know and appreciate the sacrifices our mothers make for us.

Fathers, on the other hand, are not so clear. Fully 25% of American households with minor children have no father present at all for one reason or another. Whether death or divorce or simply never having been in the picture, that is a lot of children without a father to look up to, to honor, to emulate, to idolize.

I read not too long ago that more children in this country live with a step-father than their biological father. That is a shocking statistic, as well. The bottom line in all these numbers is that more children are living without their very own father as an active, daily participant in their lives than have them, and I think that is something which should worry all of us. What are these children learning about the role of fathers in parenting, when their own father is so willing to step aside for another man, or no man, in the family circle.

Sometimes it's not their fault, of course. In my own case, death deprived me of my father, and he of me, and together we were unwilling participants in that statistical misfortune. But most of the time, choices are made, and the children are the ones paying the real price for their fractured families. With so many men on the outside of their own family circle looking in, I fear for the future of the family structure, which is still, in my personal opinion, the best way to raise up a child in the way they should go.

This is not to disparage step-fathers in any way. Some of the best fathers I know are fathers-by-marriage, instead of fathers-by-nature. It takes a special sort of person to take on someone else's family, in addition to a marriage, and to make that work for everyone.

Nor do I mean to give short shrift to single mothers, something with which I have up close and personal experience, so I know just how impossible a job it can be.

But no matter how hard she works to fill in the gaps, a mother brings a different relationship to the family table. She is not a father, and she cannot substitute for what is missing when he is not there. Fathers are a critical element in the raising of a well adjusted child. Mothers alone are incomplete, and say what you want about the situation, it's not the ideal one for their children.

My complaint, in short, is that there are too many impediments today which drive a wedge between fathers and their children, even when they are in the home. Too many men are allowed to simply walk away as if they don't matter, as if they are a luxury instead of a necessity, as if they are not a critical piece of their child's upbringing, as well as their DNA. By making fathers irrelevant, by excusing those who fail to fulfill their obligations to the children they have been a part of creating, we have weakened the very fabric that holds our society together. And we aren't doing their children any favors, either.

The media has much to answer for, as they have moved from Howard Cunningham and Heathcliff Huxtable to fathers who are hapless and helpless in the face of their more sophisticated and intelligent children. Media dads are made to look foolish and silly, and the almost incessant put downs on programs and movies aimed at our young people ooze with disrespect, not only towards their fathers but towards authority figures in general.

But there is more to it than that, and the fissure extends more deeply into the structure of our society. Too many men are allowed to walk away from their responsibilities, not held accountable by society for their actions or their offspring, and our children, and by extension all of us, are the worse for it.

Women are frequently accused of pushing men out of their children's lives, and I imagine that does occasionally happen. But most of the moms I know would love to have an active, helpful father in the picture, one who was willing to put their children's needs ahead of themselves and their own desires. Most women I know spend a lot of time building up and making excuses for the father who is not actively participating, the man who shows up for the special occasions but not the boring day to day, whether they live with their children or across town.

Fathers have important things to teach their children, things that mothers cannot. Without their father in their lives, those children are missing an important piece of their own history. Their life story is incomplete.

If you are lucky enough to be a father today, I exhort you to be a full and active participant in the life of your children. Don't work them into your busy schedule around your whims. Instead, tell them they are important by working your way into their lives.

Attend dance recitals and baseball games and school performances and choir concerts. Be there for your daughter's first date and to see your son in his prom tux. Go to church with them, go to the zoo, go to movies and museums and water parks. Tell them what matters to you, share your goals and dreams and desires for their lives. Let them know you are setting the bar high for them because you believe they can reach it, and then be there to build them up when they fall short trying.

If you are lucky enough to be a father, cherish the moments and don't give your important role away to anyone. Be the best father you can be, and you will gift your children with a legacy they will never outgrow. Always remember that the important thing is not how you do it, but rather, that you are there trying.

If you are step-father, or you see a child in need of a father as a role model, don't hesitate to step in and be the man in their life. Children without an actively involved father are at higher risk for everything from teenage pregnancy to failing out of school to drug addiction, alcoholism, and incarceration. Your time and attention can make the difference between success and failure in the life of a child in need, and the life you save will repay you over and over again.

I was fortunate to have a father that packed a lot of love and time and attention into the few short years we had together. He left my life far too early, not by his choice, but because life is unpredictable and frequently unfair. He would not understand a father who walked away willingly from the children for whom he was responsible, and he actively participated in the things that interested his children because what was important to us was important to him.

He was a Boy Scout leader, and a 4H leader. He taught us about machines and farming and hard work and adventure. He wasn't perfect - who is? But he was the best man he could be, and the example he set for us was one of love and caring and concern for others. I have so many memories of my dad at different times and in different places, but one I will always treasure sums up who he was for me.

Every Christmas Eve, he would go to our little country church to oil the bell, so that it would be all ready to ring in the joy of the season. When I got old enough, I got to go with him up in the bell tower, and it was an adventure for a little girl on a frigid Minnesota night.

From that bell tower, you could see for miles around, and he would patiently stand there with me, pointing out all the familiar landmarks that looked so strange and different to me from that new and exciting vantage point. In between working on the bell, we would look out at the snow that would be covering the ground, sparkling like diamonds laid out before us. The crisp air would bite at our noses and fingers, but he had all the time we needed to see everything, even though my mother would be waiting for us to return so we could eat our dinner.

He brought me with, not because he had to, but because he wanted to share those moments with me. I remember it all in vivid detail, not because it was, in and of itself, so important, but because by sharing it with me, my dad made it matter. In the simple act of including me in the things that were important to him, my dad let me know in a multitude of ways that I was important - that I mattered.

You don't have to be the perfect father, just be the father that makes your child matter. It is enough. It is everything.

Happy Father's Day to every man who has made a child matter in their life. You are the hero of the hour, and I wish you a cold drink, a comfy seat, and a day to celebrate the honor you have earned!