Jagged Edge of the Universe

It has been a hard week around here, and I took a mental health day today. As I was driving around running errands, I was thinking about how life looks from my vantage point, and the thought came into my head, I am constantly on the jagged edge of the universe. Well, that is surely the title of a book, one I will have to write some day. In the meantime, this poem will have to do....

Jagged Edge of the Universe

Everyone has moments in their lives,
Moments that are frozen in mind,
Moments that they relive
Over and over again,
Almost in slow motion.
Every breath, every scent,
Every movement is there,
Instantly available for recall.

Every time I find myself,
Struggling to find my place,
Hoping for a newer space,
I look for something different,
Than haunting
The jagged edge of the universe.

For me, those moments, every one,
Are not times wreathed in joy or fun
But in crisis mode, hopelessness
Pervading the very air I breathe.
My life, once again out of control,
Shattered by a fate beyond me still.
The first such moment, and the last,
Equally painful to behold.

Those moments take my breath away
I cannot think about them without
Feeling the pain anew.
And each time it has happened,
I have found myself struggling,
Once again on the edge of the abyss
The jagged edge of the universe.

It doesn’t get easier,
Those who say it will have lied,
Or they have never dangled their lives
Over the dangerous drop off.
I haven’t gotten stronger
Or more prepared
Like they said I would.
I am no more able to cope
Than I was when I was a child.

If it gives anyone hope,
I can say,
With clarity and faith,
That I have gotten farther away
From the edge.
It doesn’t own me.
It will take more to push me over.

It wasn’t always that way.
I haven’t always felt this strong.
I have fallen, many times,
And clawed my way to the top.
Life has stepped on my fingers,
Forcing me to let go once again,
Falling into the depths.

But peace is a choice.
You can find it
Even in the midst of catastrophe.
You must insist upon it,
Strive for it,
Look for ways to have it.

And then
Every time I find myself,
Struggling to find my place,
Hoping for a newer space,
I will find something different,
Than haunting
The jagged edge of the universe.