The underrated virtue....

In my line of work, I talk to a wide variety of people every day, in many different types of business. Most of the time, I am more knowledgeable and educated in insurance matters than they are, and I am the one providing them the education.

But there are also people from whom I learn more every day, and their kindness to me is not something I would ever want to take for granted. I learned a valuable lesson about appreciation and gratitude many years ago, and I will never lose sight of how important it is to both appreciate and acknowledge when someone else has done something for you, not only for them, but for you. That is the hidden lesson of gratitude, the one parents forget to mention when they encourage their children to say thank you, and the one that we forget to acknowledge to ourselves when we are on the receiving end of it.

Years ago, in another lifetime, when I had more money and time than was good for anyone, I volunteered all the time, especially at school. While my main motivation was, of course, to enable my own children to have those experiences, I never lost sight of the fact that without my help, other children wouldn't have had those opportunities, either. And that made me feel good.

In recent years, I have cut way back on my volunteering, because I simply do not have the time that I did when my children were younger. I have to work, and my time is extremely limited, so I must pick and choose more carefully. But a couple of years ago, I did a long volunteer project that almost became my full time job for a couple of months, as we rehabbed an apartment for a transitional living charitable organization.

I was unexpectedly there when the young woman who would be living in that apartment came to see it for the first time, and the lesson of gratitude really sunk in for me that day. She overwhelmed me with her appreciation, and it was almost more than I could handle, because I didn't do it for the thanks or the appreciation of others, I did it because it was a good thing to do.

But her appreciation, her deep gratitude, which I felt so overwhelmingly that day, has motivated her to be a better person, to do a little more for herself and her children, to be successful in her efforts, in part because she does not want to let us down. She is so aware, even now, of the gift she has been given, that it motivates her to continue working hard in order to give back the only way she can - by being successful and making a better life for herself and for her children.

What she doesn't realize is that her hard work and success has also inspired me to do better for myself and my children. Her gratitude has had a much longer reach than anyone could ever have realized, and it continues to enrich lives on both sides of the gratitude equation even now.

We hear a lot about paying it forward, and in volunteering, that is what I did. We don't hear as much about the value of giving backwards, and I think that is just as important, because it connects us to those who have done us right. So often we dwell on those who have done us harm, but by refocusing on those who give us a hand up, we can reframe the world in a more positive light.

I didn't volunteer for the appreciation. I didn't do it to hear anyone say thank you, or to get any type of public recognition. But in all the years that I helped those kids in school, there were only a couple of times that the absent parents recognized the efforts I had made to enrich the lives of their children, and went out of their way to thank me.

It meant a lot to me to have those efforts noticed. In fact, the next time I felt a little burned out on volunteering, and thought about saying no, I remembered that gratitude those parents had felt, and knew it was worth it. That motivated me to be a better and more giving person, which benefited not only the children, but me.

I think it also motivated those parents to try a little harder. By being in my debt, it made them want to do something more themselves. My efforts made them reach to be the same better person they perceived me to be. When they asked me to call on them if I needed a favor, or if there was something they could do to help, they were really saying they would love the opportunity to pay me backwards. They weren't grateful for the money spent, or the activity we did. They appreciated my efforts and my caring. And when I eventually asked them for a favor, as I always did sooner or later, they were happy to be able to do something for me. It was a way to return the graciousness that I had shown to them, and made them feel good, too.

I got to thinking about this during the past week. Gratitude and appreciation seem to be a dying art in our fast paced society today. I work with someone who has frequently gone out of his way for me. He has spent a lot of time educating me, challenging me, strategizing with me, coaching me, and just generally helping me figure things out in my new line of work. I am very grateful, because he didn't have to do any of it, and it has taken time and effort on his part. Although there is a certain motivation for him to help me be successful, after all, if I make money, he does too, he has gone well beyond that, and I want him to know that I both recognize and appreciate it.

I have said thank you on several occasions, and he always turns it away, as though he has done nothing more than the barest requirement. He will say, "It's nothing," or "Just doing my job," even though we both know he has done considerably more than that for me. But it seems he cannot accept the gratitude that I feel towards him for having helped me out.

It is troubling to me when people are unable to accept gratitude, because it is important for them to know that their efforts are not wasted. I always make an effort to acknowledge when someone does something for me, because the next time someone comes along that needs that extra hand of help, I want them to remember that it made a difference for me, and it is worthwhile to give to others.

I am not perfect, many people do many things for me all the time, and I can't say thank you 24 hours a day. But I do try to acknowledge, every single time, when someone has made a substantial extra effort on my behalf. I want them to know I am aware of it, so their extra effort will feel worthwhile to them. And it is important for me, as well, to recognize that there are times when people do nice things for me, for no compelling reason at all.

It can be a harsh and lonely world, at times, and it is good to know that there are people out there who are nice, who are caring, and who can be counted on, even if there is no obvious imperative for them. When you run across someone who has done something for you above and beyond the expected, don't forget to say thank you, and to let them know you are in their debt. A debt of gratitude is the best kind of debt - it reaps rewards on both sides of the equation, and the price is already paid.