The only sex I want on the beach is in a glass.....

Since my divorce five years ago, I have learned something, much to my amusement, and have been waiting for just the right moment to share it with the world. Valentine's Day seems like the perfect occasion to spread this fun news.

Single women my age make everyone nervous. Or at least the divorced ones seem to.

They say knowledge is power, and this is a powerful truth I'm sharing with you today. Whenever a middle aged divorced woman walks into a room, a ripple of discomfort wells up, and everyone starts to worry. I've never had so much control, and I'm not gonna lie, I'm enjoying it. Who knew being scarlet could be so entertaining?

However, in the spirit of sharing the love that is Valentine's Day, I offer here some words of comfort to dispel the panic that ensues every time a middle aged divorced woman makes a public appearance.

Married women my age get nervous because they are afraid I'm after their own particular version of Prince Charming. Ladies, I'm thrilled you have found your one true love, but I'm not really into balding, middle aged men who think farting out loud is an accomplishment worthy of applause.

Married men my age get nervous because they are afraid I'm going to put ideas into the heads of their wives. Interesting factoid. Single women have the longest average life span, married women the shortest. I don't know. Just throwing it out there. Something to think about.

Single men my age get nervous because they have been told that all middle aged single women are desperate, and they are afraid I will try to cozy up with them, when what they really want is someone half my age to make them feel half theirs. News flash. That lightning survey from a few years back that you cling to like the Bible? It was conducted by men, and the women all lied because they didn't want you to know how much fun they were having without you.

Younger women, married or single, get nervous, because they know they will be my age someday, and they don't want to think about it. Ladies! I have a secret for you. Being my age is fun. I am finally old enough not to care about what anyone else thinks, as long as I am doing what I think is right. It doesn't really matter to me any more how the world judges my merits, because I have the self-confidence to understand that I am good enough, just as I am. I am here to tell you, the real women's liberation is turning 50, and I'm embracing it.

Younger married men get nervous because they feel like someone's mother just walked into the room and they have their hand in the cookie jar. We don't care. We're just thinking too many cookies spoil your dinner, and they make you fat.

Younger single men get nervous, because they have been watching too much Cougar Town, and think of themselves as live bait. Trust me, gentlemen. Most of us have no interest in being a real life Demi Moore. Personally, I'm too lazy to get the body and I never had the face to begin with. Not to mention, when I have a conversation, I like the person to have the same frame of reference for life. I don't know about other women, but Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles as sage authority figures isn't going to cut it for me.

Lest I leave the wrong impression, I'm not a man-hater, and I'm not against being in a relationship, if that is what God has in mind for me. I just know who I picked the first time around, and I have accepted that I am not good at it. (Read abysmal. Trust me. I'm aware. LOTS of regretting at leisure has occurred.)

So I am leaving things up to God. As I am fond of saying, if He has someone in mind for me, then He will bring them through the door and drop them in my lap. That will be my first clue. I don't really see it happening, but hey, anything's possible. Moses did part the Red Sea and Noah built an ark entirely on faith.

For now, like many single women my age, I'm not worrying about men, or finding the one perfect relationship out of all the possibilities in the universe.

I'm enjoying having the closet all to myself. I read at 3 a.m. in my bed because I can. I have popcorn for breakfast and pancakes for dinner. I keep my thermostat at the temperature that is comfortable for me, and I am in charge of the remote control. I don't keep the house as clean as I should, but no one cares. I practice the piano for hours just because I feel like it, and no one complains that I am playing the same piece for the hundreth time. I can go to any event I want to, even at the last second, and I can blow it off at the last minute, and no one knows the difference. I can sit out in my hot tub and contemplate the stars in quiet thoughtfulness without having to worry about what someone else is thinking. The only broken eggshells in my world go down the garbage disposal, my dogs are the only ones who know if I work until 8 p.m. and I never have to explain myself to anyone. (Well, except my kids, who have pretty much learned to just take it as it comes.)

It can be hard to be single when everyone around you appears happily coupled up, especially on a day dedicated to the celebration of what you don't have. (Although, devil's advocate that I am, I would just point out that appearances can be deceiving.) Our culture emphasizes it, everyone seems to be searching for it, life revolves around the possibility of it, people despair because of the futility of not having it. But it is eminently possible to have a rich, full life and enjoy what we do have, even if it looks different than what society tells us we should want.

We don't have a day dedicated to being single, but I celebrate it every time I walk through my door and the castle is entirely mine. Being unhappily married was the hardest thing I've ever done. Being single, simply, satisfyingly, successfully single, can be a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

Oh, and the whole sex on the beach thing? I'll take mine in a glass, with a bowl of chips on the side.

Waiter?