In the course of writing well over a hundred blog posts, I have always been honest, but have also striven to preserve a certain level of privacy for myself and my own experience. Today was a departure for me, one that I don't expect to make very often, but which was, at the bottom, my effort to take something painful for me and use it to help others who find themselves in the same situation.
I don't easily share my personal pain. But if, in the course of googling for answers, solace, or meaning, someone stumbles across this blog post, and I can give them hope, or I can let them know they are not alone in their pain, then it is worth the unwanted exposure.
You are not alone.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Faith....
Faith is an interesting word, and means so many different things, depending on the context in which it is used. But in all cases, it means believing in something (or someone) even when there is absolutely no tangible basis to do so. Sometimes, you can see all the evidence to the contrary, and your faith will override everything - your doubts, your common sense, even the evidence you see with your own eyes and ears and mind. The heart is a willful ruler, and most people, no matter how cold and analytical they may seem on the outside, have a soft place deep inside their heart for the people they love.
I belong to a sorority of sisters, rich and poor, famous and totally unknown, to which no one would ever want to belong ~ the spectacularly spurned wife, the discarded woman of a serial philanderer. (Odd as it may sound, I think it may have been easier to find out about a long term love affair, where at least you could feel that it was a serious matter, and not just another fling, which cheapens both you and the relationship.) Thus, as I have watched the debacle of the Tiger Woods saga these past weeks, while the world seems to focus on him and his peccadilloes, I can only think of his wife, and what she is now going through.
The world at large seems to believe she should have been aware of what was going on. I can almost promise you that the truth is more like she harbored some suspicions in her heart, but couldn't quite bring herself to believe that what she thought was what she knew; much less that she was right. When you feel it, deep down inside you, but there are denials and you are made to be the one in the wrong, it is easy to overlook the evidence in favor of the faith.
I have been disturbed by the criticism, masquerading as false sympathy, for Elin Nordegren this week. I have seen speculation on her character and her behavior, and even her motives for marrying Tiger Woods in the first place, and it is wrong.
Whatever her husband did or didn't do, she is not, in any way, responsible or at fault, and she deserves every ounce of sympathy the public can muster. However much money you have, it cannot buy peace of mind, and the crushing dismantling of her carefully constructed house of cards in such a spectacularly public way is a hurt that she will never overcome, no matter how many promises Tiger makes, no matter how much money she has at her disposal.
It has been brutally, painfully self-evident to me that Elin had no idea of the level of infidelity that her husband had engaged in, and speaking from experience, I know exactly how she feels. It is like being suddenly dropped into the center of a minefield, and knowing, understanding, but not quite believing, that the only way to peace is walking out again, step by dangerous step, until you are free. If you have never faced that, I can tell you it takes a rare courage to make the journey under any circumstances. With all the public exposure, it must be almost unbearable.
I have walked that minefield, and it is a frightening experience filled with anguish and grief. You are assured, from the very first step, that you will bring your foot down upon a mine here and there, and it will blow up on you, wounding you with devastating accuracy. And yet, you have no other choice but to keep on going, because you can't stay where you are, either, however tempting it may be. Your life becomes an excruciating series of revelations of things you didn't know, may not have even suspected, and you continue to absorb those blows until you are transformed into someone new and different.
Because I have taken that demoralizing path in my own life, my sympathies are all for Elin, that intensely private wife who has been scorned so publicly, so humiliatingly, by someone who painted a public picture of a person who was clearly fatally flawed. I will say frankly, I don't know how Elin can bring herself to get up in the morning and get out of bed to face another day of increasingly painful revelations, because it was hard enough when I could choose who I told and who knew what was happening in my life, and it wasn't spread across the headlines of the world's news.
The media have barely scratched the surface of the real pain of the situation, however. We, the disassociated public, with our voracious appetite for the flaws of others, seem to believe that real people do not reside underneath the glamour and the false glitter of celebrity. For my part, I suspect that they are simply better at covering up their feelings than most of us, because if you are human, you have a heart, and it can be broken.
But more than for themselves, for most people, the most vulnerable place in their heart is reserved for their children. The children of Tiger Woods will always know how he treated their mother, their family, their life. There will always be a breach, and it is one that he will never heal.
Whatever the agony I may have felt during my marriage and the five years since, I would have borne it all and much more, if only to save my children from knowing the full hurtful truth. I can only imagine that Elin Nordegren, who I feel certain loves her children much the same as I love mine, feels the same way about the wanton public speculation on the demise of the perfect family she thought she had. Every careless word that is published is another spike in her heart, as she thinks about the future, and how to shield her little ones from the consequences of their father's behavior.
The part that is most frustrating, I think, is that although one person had control of the whole situation, it is everyone else that suffers by the actions that cannot be undone. While the person who caused it all may be in pain, it is, at least, self-inflicted, the result of their own choices. But the collateral damage was not only unexpected, it was unearned and undeserved. It is that pain which causes me to have the greatest empathy for Elin and her children.
I am not so foolish as to think that more than a few people read these words, or that it will make a difference to her to know that she has joined a sisterhood that is out here supporting her and feeling her pain along with her. But there are many other women out there, (men as well,) who belong to the club, and if my words help anyone, then it will be worth the price of revealing my own personal pain.
If one positive thing could come from this media nightmare for Elin and her children, it would be for all of us to understand that public words can cause a lifetime of hurt, and Tiger's first statement, that his family deserves some privacy, is the right one. When you hear about Tiger's fall from grace, and the additional revelations that I feel certain are still to come, think not about the prurient details of his misbehavior, but about the wife and children who will bear the brunt of the shame and the injury of his freewill choice.
If you know someone going through the painful journey of serial infidelity, don't look for the flaw in the spouse who was wronged. They do not need to hear how they should have known, they must have seen, or they should have done something.
It is not their fault that the person they married was a fatally flawed individual, (yes, it is most definitely fatal, as their marriage and their family have been dealt a terminal blow, whether she realizes it now or not.) He is most probably a narcissist, if not a full blown sociopath, and there is no cure.
Instead of finding fault with the victim, uplift them with encouraging words about what a great person they are (they won't believe you, but they will love you for saying it, anyway.) Tell them that the world is a better place because they are in it (see above comment.) And especially, tell them what a fantastic parent you think they are, and how their children are so lucky to have them, because they are good enough to bring them through this time. (They will be forever grateful that someone noticed how hard they are trying, and appreciated that effort, no matter how much trouble they have believing it.)
We, the people, do not have a right to know everything about our celebrities, especially when the celebrity being sold is based on a skill or a talent, and they have not sought out the attention for their lifestyle. I wish, for a change, the media would display a little discretion, and allow the personal pain to remain where it belongs - in the privacy of their rapidly disintegrating life. It would elevate all of us to know less about what we should never have known in the first place.
To anyone who may have stumbled upon this looking for hope, I can truly tell you that you will eventually emerge from the minefield - changed, but in one piece, none-the-less. Your life will look different than you thought it would, but you will have stability and peace instead of the quicksand of the unknown. Your spouse was, without a doubt, an edgy thrill seeker, because that is the personality of the serial philanderer, and you will find that while things are not as exciting, they are more predictable, and you will be able to wake up each day knowing pretty much what to expect.
Most importantly, have faith in yourself. It is enough.
I belong to a sorority of sisters, rich and poor, famous and totally unknown, to which no one would ever want to belong ~ the spectacularly spurned wife, the discarded woman of a serial philanderer. (Odd as it may sound, I think it may have been easier to find out about a long term love affair, where at least you could feel that it was a serious matter, and not just another fling, which cheapens both you and the relationship.) Thus, as I have watched the debacle of the Tiger Woods saga these past weeks, while the world seems to focus on him and his peccadilloes, I can only think of his wife, and what she is now going through.
The world at large seems to believe she should have been aware of what was going on. I can almost promise you that the truth is more like she harbored some suspicions in her heart, but couldn't quite bring herself to believe that what she thought was what she knew; much less that she was right. When you feel it, deep down inside you, but there are denials and you are made to be the one in the wrong, it is easy to overlook the evidence in favor of the faith.
I have been disturbed by the criticism, masquerading as false sympathy, for Elin Nordegren this week. I have seen speculation on her character and her behavior, and even her motives for marrying Tiger Woods in the first place, and it is wrong.
Whatever her husband did or didn't do, she is not, in any way, responsible or at fault, and she deserves every ounce of sympathy the public can muster. However much money you have, it cannot buy peace of mind, and the crushing dismantling of her carefully constructed house of cards in such a spectacularly public way is a hurt that she will never overcome, no matter how many promises Tiger makes, no matter how much money she has at her disposal.
It has been brutally, painfully self-evident to me that Elin had no idea of the level of infidelity that her husband had engaged in, and speaking from experience, I know exactly how she feels. It is like being suddenly dropped into the center of a minefield, and knowing, understanding, but not quite believing, that the only way to peace is walking out again, step by dangerous step, until you are free. If you have never faced that, I can tell you it takes a rare courage to make the journey under any circumstances. With all the public exposure, it must be almost unbearable.
I have walked that minefield, and it is a frightening experience filled with anguish and grief. You are assured, from the very first step, that you will bring your foot down upon a mine here and there, and it will blow up on you, wounding you with devastating accuracy. And yet, you have no other choice but to keep on going, because you can't stay where you are, either, however tempting it may be. Your life becomes an excruciating series of revelations of things you didn't know, may not have even suspected, and you continue to absorb those blows until you are transformed into someone new and different.
Because I have taken that demoralizing path in my own life, my sympathies are all for Elin, that intensely private wife who has been scorned so publicly, so humiliatingly, by someone who painted a public picture of a person who was clearly fatally flawed. I will say frankly, I don't know how Elin can bring herself to get up in the morning and get out of bed to face another day of increasingly painful revelations, because it was hard enough when I could choose who I told and who knew what was happening in my life, and it wasn't spread across the headlines of the world's news.
The media have barely scratched the surface of the real pain of the situation, however. We, the disassociated public, with our voracious appetite for the flaws of others, seem to believe that real people do not reside underneath the glamour and the false glitter of celebrity. For my part, I suspect that they are simply better at covering up their feelings than most of us, because if you are human, you have a heart, and it can be broken.
But more than for themselves, for most people, the most vulnerable place in their heart is reserved for their children. The children of Tiger Woods will always know how he treated their mother, their family, their life. There will always be a breach, and it is one that he will never heal.
Whatever the agony I may have felt during my marriage and the five years since, I would have borne it all and much more, if only to save my children from knowing the full hurtful truth. I can only imagine that Elin Nordegren, who I feel certain loves her children much the same as I love mine, feels the same way about the wanton public speculation on the demise of the perfect family she thought she had. Every careless word that is published is another spike in her heart, as she thinks about the future, and how to shield her little ones from the consequences of their father's behavior.
The part that is most frustrating, I think, is that although one person had control of the whole situation, it is everyone else that suffers by the actions that cannot be undone. While the person who caused it all may be in pain, it is, at least, self-inflicted, the result of their own choices. But the collateral damage was not only unexpected, it was unearned and undeserved. It is that pain which causes me to have the greatest empathy for Elin and her children.
I am not so foolish as to think that more than a few people read these words, or that it will make a difference to her to know that she has joined a sisterhood that is out here supporting her and feeling her pain along with her. But there are many other women out there, (men as well,) who belong to the club, and if my words help anyone, then it will be worth the price of revealing my own personal pain.
If one positive thing could come from this media nightmare for Elin and her children, it would be for all of us to understand that public words can cause a lifetime of hurt, and Tiger's first statement, that his family deserves some privacy, is the right one. When you hear about Tiger's fall from grace, and the additional revelations that I feel certain are still to come, think not about the prurient details of his misbehavior, but about the wife and children who will bear the brunt of the shame and the injury of his freewill choice.
If you know someone going through the painful journey of serial infidelity, don't look for the flaw in the spouse who was wronged. They do not need to hear how they should have known, they must have seen, or they should have done something.
It is not their fault that the person they married was a fatally flawed individual, (yes, it is most definitely fatal, as their marriage and their family have been dealt a terminal blow, whether she realizes it now or not.) He is most probably a narcissist, if not a full blown sociopath, and there is no cure.
Instead of finding fault with the victim, uplift them with encouraging words about what a great person they are (they won't believe you, but they will love you for saying it, anyway.) Tell them that the world is a better place because they are in it (see above comment.) And especially, tell them what a fantastic parent you think they are, and how their children are so lucky to have them, because they are good enough to bring them through this time. (They will be forever grateful that someone noticed how hard they are trying, and appreciated that effort, no matter how much trouble they have believing it.)
We, the people, do not have a right to know everything about our celebrities, especially when the celebrity being sold is based on a skill or a talent, and they have not sought out the attention for their lifestyle. I wish, for a change, the media would display a little discretion, and allow the personal pain to remain where it belongs - in the privacy of their rapidly disintegrating life. It would elevate all of us to know less about what we should never have known in the first place.
To anyone who may have stumbled upon this looking for hope, I can truly tell you that you will eventually emerge from the minefield - changed, but in one piece, none-the-less. Your life will look different than you thought it would, but you will have stability and peace instead of the quicksand of the unknown. Your spouse was, without a doubt, an edgy thrill seeker, because that is the personality of the serial philanderer, and you will find that while things are not as exciting, they are more predictable, and you will be able to wake up each day knowing pretty much what to expect.
Most importantly, have faith in yourself. It is enough.
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