A cautionary tale....

I have thought a lot about the Gabby Petito case, lately, and its on my heart.  There is a message in this case that hasn't really been talked about much, at least as far as I have seen.  And if there is anything good to come out of this terrible tragedy, it is the cautionary tale of Gabby's life and death.

No one, literally no one, even our closest friends and relatives, knows what goes on behind closed doors.  People cover up all sorts of things, from the petty and insignificant, to the serious and even deadly.  Gabby (and Laundrie) covered up an abusive relationship, and it cost them both their lives.  So here is my serious advice to anyone, man or woman, when you get involved with someone, even if you think you already know them well or someone you know gives them rave reviews.

The first time, the VERY FIRST TIME, someone is abusive to you, walk away and don't ever go back.  People do not suddenly become abusive because you did something wrong, they abuse others because they lost their self control and feel they have a right to lash out however they want.  It was a choice, not a forced reaction.  If someone hits you or harms you or threatens you, get out and tell someone immediately.  You don't owe them your silence, and it wasn't your fault they chose to lose control.  Verbal abuse is still abuse, and if someone threatens you, even if they don't carry it through, you are still at risk.

Maya Angelou once said, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time."  This is good advice in all walks of life, but particularly for intimate relationships.  Those who abuse are telling you who they really are, deep down, and they most likely won't change.  Don't hang around for the second round.  There will be no winners.

Freedom

Some years ago, I visited a communist country.  While it has opened to the wider world over recent years, it was just in the process of opening and much more restrictive at that time.  I didn't really know what to expect when I went there, and I was appropriately cautious in every way.  I made sure I understood ahead of time what I could and could not bring into the country.  I was careful about everything from reading material to my necessary prescription drugs, especially my EpiPen injector, which I was concerned would be misinterpreted in a country where bringing in illegal drugs is a death sentence.  I understood there would be a military presence, and I was aware that I had to be careful about what I said and did while I was there.

When I arrived, things went pretty much as I expected.  The military presence was especially pervasive, soldiers on every corner, which was quite an adjustment.  And loudspeakers would blast messages to the public periodically, which I was told were government propaganda, which was pretty interesting to me.  And there was a strange, pervasive aura of caution everywhere, which would be difficult to describe, but you definitely knew it was there.

But it actually wasn't the overt eye of the government which wore on me over the succeeding days.  Instead, it was the constant watching of my words which I found so difficult to maintain.  I found myself pondering the difficulties of never being able to express myself freely, having to be out in the open away from anyone in order to ensure privacy, and not even being confident that my hotel room was a "safe zone" from prying intrusion.

I also found it difficult to have any meaningful conversation with people, although many spoke English quite fluently, because they didn't trust me, and truthfully, I didn't really trust them either.  Who was spying on me, I would think to myself?  Sound paranoid?  Perhaps, but it is a reality in a dictatorship that has to be considered. This mistrust is corrosive, and prevented me from fully engaging with anyone, because you simply didn't know what they would say, think or do.  And I was an even greater danger to them, no doubt.

It gave me a much deeper understanding of countries where people are afraid to express themselves, even to family members, for fear of what could happen or who might report you for thinking or saying the wrong thing.  There are more ways to be imprisoned than being in jail, I realized.

It was a relief to leave after a few days, although I loved the country and the people, and would happily return if only I had the time and money.  It has caused me to think seriously about the freedoms I have in the United States, and I value them much more than I did before that trip.  I no longer take it for granted that I can say what I want and express what I feel, because not everyone can in this world.

This Veteran's Day, I appreciate those who were willing to sacrifice themselves for my rights, even when I disagree with them.  What a gift they have given to us all.

Thank you to all the veterans.  I honor you this day, and I thank you.