Keeping things in perspective....

I have been musing this morning on how flexible perspective can be, depending on the circumstances in which you find yourself.

For example, three days ago, if you had informed me that I would need to spend $125 on repairing my washing machine, I would have been appalled. I don't have an extra $125 laying around with nowhere to go, and I certainly didn't need to throw it away on washing machine repairs with a graduation party coming up, and college to pay for.

Technically, I will have two "children" in college next year. I can't really claim the oldest one is either a child, or my responsibility, since he has managed to find a way to both continue going to college at age 24, and get paid for it, but still, the fact remains. Two of them. In college. At once. Be amazed. I know I am.

Where was I again? Oh yes. Perspective. One moment, $125 sounds like a huge sum of money. The next moment, it sounds like small change, especially when we are talking about repairs of any kind, and numbers with lots of zeros begin to loom.

A couple of days ago, I walked into my laundry room to find water spreading rapidly across the floor. The obvious source was my washing machine, the center of a quickly expanding pool threatening to engulf everything within several feet of the offending equipment. I grabbed some towels from the laundry basket sitting there at my feet, and threw them on the floor to soak up as much water as I could, while I tried to figure out what had happened.

Because it didn't make any sense to me that my washing machine should suddenly, out of nowhere, start to leak, I assumed it was an overflow, or something random that happened. My perspective was narrow and limited, and didn't yet allow for the possibility that something more drastic had occurred.

I threw in another load to see what would happen, and shortly thereafter, once again saw my floor, and my perspective, being increasingly consumed by water. I threw down more towels, emptied the washer of the water that remained, and called for help.

I did not want to make that call, knowing that it was probably going to cost me a lot of money. Car repairs never seem to cost less than $1000, and smaller electronics never seem to be less than $300. I think it's a rule or something - that's the minimum charge. So I was resigned to my fate, and accepted that the price of clean clothes was going to be another $300 out of my already empty pocket.

Thus, I was pleasantly surprised this morning to learn that the cost was "only" going to be $125 to replace a drain hose that had a small hole worn into it. How quickly things changed, as $125 went from a huge sum to good news. My mind shifted in split second timing, as I immediately absorbed the savings of $175. (This is the type of creative accounting that allows Congress to see a rise in spending as a cut - they haven't spent as much as they were originally going to, so thus, we now have a savings. Simple perspective.)

Perspective is, by definition, a view, a vista or a mental outlook. Human beings have a fascinating ability to come to grips with almost any situation, aided and abetted by an ever changing sense of perspective. We can be whipsawed by the change, it can occur so rapidly, as we acquire additional information or gather supporting facts.

When we take a photograph, we generally do it straight on, standing in front of the subject, putting them in the center of the frame. The more artistic among us, however, have a different perspective, and will tilt the camera, or fuzz the background, use different colors, or shoot from an unusual angle. The perspective of the shooter will change the perception of the viewer, and you will see what they saw.

In life you cannot control the perspective so neatly and easily. I think that is why blind dates so seldom work out. Whatever the introducer sees in each of their friends is rarely what they see in each other. Their perspective, as the introducees, is different than that of the one who knows each of them more fully, and that first impression is difficult to overcome.

Children take their perspective from their parents, and as they grow older, add their own experiences to the mix, until, as adults, they form their own opinions, independent of their parents. Whether its people or food or experiences, they have their own perspective, and it's often surprising to find out what they think or feel.

I have never liked meringue. There is something about the taste and texture of it that does not appeal to me, and I don't enjoy foods where that is a big part of the product. Thus, I was shocked a few years back to learn that my son, my very own child, liked lemon meringue pie. I had a difficult time wrapping my mind around the idea that not only did he have his own opinion, it was, in fact, the complete opposite of mine, and in direct conflict with my strong feelings.

Needless to say, this is not the last time we have come into deeply held conflict, as he has only solidified his opinionated nature as he has grown into adulthood and lived increasingly on his own. But it was, for me, the wake up call that adulthood was looming, and that soon his perspective would not be what I told him it was, but rather, his own.

I have often been told that my son is like me, and so the points of conflict are, by definition, somewhat limited in scope. We generally have the same outlook on life, and frequently are facing the same direction, even if the angle is slightly different.

The same cannot be said for my daughter, who has her own perspective on everything, and is rarely in sync with me on any given subject. She has her own way of dressing, her own way of thinking, her own way of looking at the world, and it is rarely how I would do it.

She wears boots in the summer and flip flops in the winter. She will wear shorts and a winter coat. She is a puzzle to me most of the time, as she and I rarely see things from the same perspective. She has enlarged my world, as I have learned to examine things from different angles, and allowed myself to expand the assumptions that color my understanding.

When I was little, my mother always dressed me in blue. She loves the color blue, and she looks good in it, so that is what she usually chose for my clothes as well. I never wore green or black, because, spoken or not, her perspective was that I didn't look good in those colors.

As I got older, I continued to choose the colors I had always worn, because my perspective was taken from my experience. However, one time, I fell in love with a green silk dress and tried it on. I was surprised to see that it looked good on me; the color flattered my eyes and my skin tone. My perspective changed, and suddenly, I tried a variety of colors I would never have dared to wear previously.

My closet is now full of salmon and green and black, and hardly a blue piece to be found. I see myself differently, and it has opened up a new world to me that was off limits previously.

When my daughter was little, I dressed her in pink and red, because those were the colors I thought were most flattering for her. Now that she is an adult herself, she chooses her own colors, and uses the entire palette to support and enhance her vision of herself. Her perspective is entirely different than mine, and the person she presents to the world is one in vivid color.

Perspective is always influenced by one's original impressions. Although the old cliche tells us not to judge a book by its cover, as humans, we rarely flip through the pages without having a preconceived notion established by glancing at the dust jacket. First impressions are very difficult to overcome, although it can happen with time and effort.

Career counselors say you can lose a job in the first three seconds of an interview. I would believe that, because the moment you walk through the door, the interviewer is already forming an impression. That perspective will affect everything from the questions they ask, to assumptions they will make, all of which play a role in whether or not you get the job.

Perspective is everything, and I feel that the next few years will bring a new perspective to my life, as I become an empty nester, and learn to live life in a new and different way. I vividly recall 25 years ago, when I was pregnant with my first child, feeling overwhelmed by the impending responsibilities, and almost paralyzed at the thought of being in charge of someone's life for the next 18 years. My cousin, Susan, gave me some wonderful advice, which I have thought about many times since, and which I pass along here to you. She told me that parenthood happens one day at time, and that is all you really have to worry about. You grow into the job, and by the time you get to the future, you will be ready.

In other words, you need to keep things in perspective, and everything will work out. Words to live by.

Life is not a fairy tale....

The story of the Three Little Pigs has always been a parental favorite, because it's obvious, from the very beginning, which pig is going to win, and which pigs are going to lose. It is a cautionary tale, of course, and we read these moralistic fantasies to our children with a view to guiding them onto the right pathway. The story is all about hard work, doing things right, taking the time and effort to build the proper foundation so that you can withstand the storms of life.

If only it were so easy in real life.

Our family stands at a new threshold, one that is exciting, even thrilling, both for the two children who are fleeing the nest, as well as the mother who has anticipated this day for so long. I frequently hear children likened to baby birds leaving the nest, and flying for the first time. The parent birds even throw the reluctant fledglings out, getting them started on their own life journey. Perhaps that's true elsewhere, but doesn't really capture what I see in my world.

I think children are more like baby bunnies. I had the dubious pleasure of watching a nest of them grow to maturity a couple of weeks ago in dangerous proximity to a Jack Russell Terrier. When I accidentally discovered the nest, it was full of teensy little bunnies who did nothing but sleep in a pile deep in the ground nest. As the week went by, the pile grew larger, until it overflowed the nest, and finally, they were ready to leave. One by one, they hopped away, out into the big world by themselves, ready to take on the thrills and dangers of their future.

The Jack Russell, which I did take some care to keep away from the area, did not discover the nest until after they were out of it, and he is very disappointed, although clearly remaining hopeful they will return! There is no corollary in this story for him. I just figured I'd share.

I feel obligated to point out that this was not Peter Rabbit. These bunnies were not going to run home to mother at the end of the story, and if they got in trouble, she was no where to be seen. They were going to have to make it on their own, and if they got into Mr. McGregor's garden, they were likely to encounter a dog with a lot of teeth. This is real life, and it's a harsh world out there.

I have spent the last 25 years watching over my baby bunnies, and now, they will each flee in their own separate directions, very much like the baby bunnies as they left their nest.

The oldest, a full fledged college graduate with a fellowship at a great school ahead of him, and the thrill of graduate school on the horizon, is fully grown, self-supporting, and no longer a dependent in any sense of the word. I have watched him evolve during the last few years, and it has been a fascinating process, because this is the time where he has truly become an adult and a man, and is now ready to take on the world. He and I have adult conversations these days because suddenly, he sees things from an adult perspective, and he looks at life and the world and his future differently than he did even a year ago.

As a mother, I look at him with pride and a sense of a job well done. I have always seen, as my primary goal, making myself obsolete, and with him, I have reached the finish line.

I don't mean to imply that he doesn't still need, or perhaps more accurately want, me in his life. On the contrary, like most adult children, he calls on me frequently for help or advice of various kinds, especially when he runs into a new life situation for which he is not fully prepared.

But I know now if he had to, he could handle anything he needed to on his own. These days, when he calls for advice, he is really calling to talk over what he has already decided, and he has taken charge in a whole new way, which allows me to step back and step out of the way, and know that he is prepared for whatever life throws in his path.

My son has taken his time, done things right, and is building his house of bricks. He has planned, set goals, worked hard, and is now enjoying the fruits of his labors. It is a true thrill to see that happen, and to watch him realize his dreams. When the wolf tries to crawl down the chimney, I am confident that my son will be ready for him.

I learned this week, however, that the bunnies don't just run from the nest and disappear. They hop out of the nest and find the nearest safe place, and there they rest and prepare themselves for the big push out into the world. There is a maturing that takes place in the safety of the place near the nest - they have left, but they are gathering themselves for the big leap of faith that is life on their own.

My youngest is about to take that step and flee the nest, and find that first safe place where she will mature and grow up. Like most college campuses, it will be a mostly safe place for her to get ready to meet the world, although there will be dangers for her to deal with on her own. Each new challenge will be an additional step along the path of her maturity, a necessary part of the process of growing into adulthood.

Here is where the analogy stops, however, because unlike the mother bunny, who is out of their lives forever, I will still be here. They can return to the nest any time they want, and they know I will be here, more or less the same as always. There is a lot of comfort in that - as social creatures, it's important to each of us to know that we have our own tribe to look out for us.

A friend recently warned me that living alone is a wonderful thing, but you have to be very careful not to allow yourself to become a despot in your own kingdom. She pointed out that once your children move out, you no longer have anyone to disagree with you. Instead, you are in charge of everything all the time, you get to have everything your own way, and you never have anyone telling you what to do or taking charge of your time.

I have never lived alone, going straight from home to college, then graduate school and marriage. I feel I am on the cusp of an exciting new place in my life, one which will provide me with new opportunities for personal growth, and even to determine the course of the rest of my life. With my bunnies out of the nest, at least partway, suddenly, I have the freedom to please myself.

I will be able to sleep until 10 if I want to. [Of course, at almost 50, that is probably not in the cards, anyway, but it's the idea of it that appeals, more than the fact, anyway.] I can go to bed at 8 and watch a movie without having to think about when someone will be home. I won't have to schedule my days or nights around someone else's schedule.

The power may corrupt, I fear.

I have never had the ultimate say over my life. I have always answered to someone - parents, spouse, children, not necessarily because I had to, but because I have a lifetime of putting others first as my priority.

When my daughter was little, I had a long list of things I was going to accomplish when she went to school, and I would have all those hours every day to myself. Instead of knocking things off my list, I filled the time in other ways, largely to do with volunteering at school, and supporting my kids in their various activities.

I was a room mom for five straight years. I attended every band concert, almost every play performance, every recital, and more rehearsals than I care to remember. I have had the thrill of seeing my child perform in a national honor band, and a play that received international recognition. I coordinated, organized, participated in, and supervised any number of events, from field trips to band festivals to volunteer activities, and it has been worth every moment.

But I am looking forward to the opportunity to check some things off of my own bucket list, and to finally, at long last, reap the rewards of having given of myself to others for so long.

Sometimes you see bunnies frolicking on the lawn when they think no one is looking. They jump and dance and dart around, just enjoying life in the moment, without regard for the dangers they have passed through, or what may be ahead. I am anticipating some of those moments ahead for myself. If you happen to see a 50 year old woman frolicking through life, don't be surprised. She may be the mother bunny celebrating the empty nest, and watching her children building a house of bricks.

A laugh a day...

Human beings take themselves very seriously, as a general rule. We need look no further than Twitter to see the proof of that statement. Although I can see the value of Twitter if you are in a meeting, and want to send brief content summaries to people not in attendance, I can't see the value of knowing Lindsay Lohan's every thought or movement.

Applications such as Foursquare, which automatically report our location to our entire social network, are further evidence that we have very little sense of perspective on our own place in this universe. Perhaps even the smug assumption that writing a blog is worth the time for someone else to read is another symptom of the natural narcissism of our culture.

I generally try to maintain a sense of humor about life, because, as the old saying goes, you either laugh or you cry. I prefer to laugh. It's not always easy, especially when it comes to laughing at myself, but I try, anyway, because I hate crying. Although I've been doing a lot of that lately, what with the many changes that have already hit and will continue to occur in my household over the next few months.

However, it is always easier to laugh at someone else's troubles than it is to laugh at one's self. For example, if you see someone trip over a curb, you may initially make sure they are okay, but then you will laugh. If it's your relative or friend, you will probably laugh harder. But how do you react when it's you that is looking foolish or silly?

I got to thinking about that this morning when I read a post on my Facebook that one of my daughter's friends had posted to her wall. Teenagers are especially susceptible to taking themselves too seriously, I think. They are so worried about being seen as adults and being taken seriously by others that they forget a lot of life is nonsense, and they don't have enough fun.

The website to which my daughter's friend was referring is one where people post silly things designed to make themselves look foolish in order to make other people laugh at them. I like the trend. Even if anonymous, it is not only allowing, but actually encouraging, teens to see the embarrassing things that happen and to share them with others so they can all have a good laugh at themselves together.

Most of the stuff that gets posted is not that funny, and a lot of it is made up, simply to see what they can come up with. But I still like the idea of a website where people can make fun of themselves for the entertainment of others, with everyone having a good laugh as the outcome.

It makes a nice contrast to incidents like the recent suicides we have heard about, where kids felt so bullied by other teens that they literally couldn't bear their lives any more and ended them. The tragedies in these situations don't need elucidation. We all know it's a bad thing when a 15 or 16 year old thinks life is so terrible there is no point in waiting for something better to come along.

We live in serious times, and there are a lot of serious issues to deal with in most households. Unemployment is high, and even in households where they are employed, people are working longer hours, doing more work for less pay, and generally more stressed about everything. People are taking less vacation time, they are doing less for fun and relaxation, and they are taking themselves and life more seriously all the time.

So, in the effort to spread the laughter around, here is my anecdote for today. Several years ago, we went to Mexico on vacation. We were all laying by the large pool when an attractive young woman came walking towards us on her way to get a beverage to drink. I saw heads turning from way down at the other end of the pool, and a wave of snickering behind her, but couldn't really see what was so funny until the woman was in front of me. That was when I realized that she was letting it all hang out, literally and unintentionally.

Even as I laughed along, I found it fascinating that not one person told her. Including me. We all watched her walk by, and we all laughed and stared, but no one stopped her to tell her of her embarrassing situation. At least, until she got into the poolside bar, where the bartender spilled the bad news. We were sitting close enough for me to see her reaction, and it was clear that she had no idea of the show she had been putting on for our benefit. That might have been the funniest part of all, truthfully. It was like a comedy sketch, with her facial expressions worthy of Buster Keaton.

On her return trip, a long walk, I'm sure, she was blushing, but seemed to have a sense of humor about it. I imagine the beverage she had in hand may have helped ease the situation a little, but I suspect that mostly, she just had a sense of humor about herself. I would bet that she now tells that story to others, and has a good laugh about it every time.

There is an old saying, laughter is the best medicine. I think that is a prescription we all need to take, each and every day. Forget apples. Maybe it's really a laugh a day that keeps the doctor at bay.

Children of your world....

When you have children, you find that your world expands significantly. You start with one tiny baby, and before you know it, there are a bevy of young people invading your space and your kitchen, and, it seems, your heart. As I approach my daughter's graduation day, it is with some sadness that I realize she will soon take her circus with her to college, and the days of chaos will be a distant memory too soon.

I have always enjoyed my children's friends. They are fun and funny, quirky and unique, and they found a place in my heart almost without my realizing it. When my son graduated from high school, I missed the lively discussions and the interesting conversations that came with his friends hanging around the house.

But I still had the more social child here. There wasn't much time to worry about who was missing, since she was always pretty busy filling the space.

I have realized that this fall, my life will be very different. For the first time in 25 years, I will have my time and space to myself, and it is going to be hard to fill. I find myself thinking at odd moments about the kids I will miss, and it brings me to tears. (It has been a wet spring, and it's not going to get any drier, I don't think.)

I have been a mom most of my adult life, and I am not sure I know how to be just me any more. My daughter said recently that she wasn't sure how I would get along without her, because I am always in such a haze about everything. I had to laugh, because she said the same thing before she went off to kindergarten. Just as she worried back then about what I would do to fill my lonely time without her, and how I would ever find my car in the parking lot, she is worrying now, quietly in the back of her mind, about how I will fill my time without her, and how I will ever find my car in the parking lot.

Back then, it was just a short time each day, and I cherished the precious moments to myself. Now I will have days and weeks to fill, and I will miss the fun that comes with having a social butterfly living in my household.

I will miss her friends - the laughing and the talking, the dresses and the goofy stories, the pretty smiles and the bitter tears and everything that goes with having a teenaged girl in your household. I will miss the girls, with their silly stories, and I will miss the boys with their sheepish smiles and shy manners.

It will be quiet around here, especially on dance nights, when I am used to having my bathroom overtaken by girls on a mission of beauty and fashion. I will miss walking into my bedroom and finding a group of people stretched out on my bed watching television. I will miss the talking and the laughing and the stories of all the stuff they have done, and I will especially miss all the times they were kind enough to include me in the happenings.

As your children get older, your world expands to include the people who are special to them. Whether it is their best friend or their girlfriend or boyfriend, the heart has room for everyone, and your life is the richer for it.

I realized awhile back that my daughter's closest friends know our garage door code, and think nothing of using it to come in when they arrive. It is convenient for me, because then I don't have to answer the door. But I also realized that by giving out the code to someone, you are making them a part of your world, accepting them in your circle of trust, and conferring upon them honorary family status.

When this part of my life is over, I will have no regrets. I have lived in the moment, and experienced the fun as it unfolded, and my memories will allow me to relive it whenever I want.

But just in case one of them still needs me once in awhile, I hope they will know that they can always come over for a hug and some conversation. I just hope they don't forget to close the garage door on their way out.

Wise old owl....

Not too long ago, in a moment of exasperation, someone I know informed me that I am an owl. He had recently learned about animal personality profiles, and his assessment of me was that I fit that profile to an O. This evening, as I was mulling something over, I thought of that comment and it prompted me to look up that personality test to see what the owl traits actually were.

The Owl Personality: A quiet thinker with analytical traits; wants to know things, wants accuracy, likes lists, numbers and statistics. Loves detail, research, data and information. Dislikes change, taking risks, people who are sloppy in their work and who have poor time-keeping habits. Owls also dislike people who are showy and loud. When change is happening, they want to know HOW to do what they are being asked to do. Can get quite stressed during change processes, particularly if a lot of change happens over a sustained period. Under pressure Owls will avoid conflict. Owls are attracted to careers in banking, insurance, office management and even credit control.

I hadn't bothered to look at the profile before, because I knew it wasn't exactly meant as a compliment. I have to admit, though, he probably got it exactly right, although I think most of the traits are qualities, of course, whereas I believe my identifier was feeling otherwise, at least at the time.

I haven't taken the test, but I probably don't need to, either. Anyone who knows me at all should be able to easily identify me, in fact. I laughed out loud when I got to the end. I wish I'd had this back when I was in my 20's and trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up....

Of course, this is just a profile, and I'm sure everyone has elements of all four profiles in their personalities. I am certainly the owl, but I also have some dove traits, too. Which probably explains why it takes me two weeks to choose a pencil. (That observation came courtesy of my ex, Mr. Peacock, when he was irritated with my indecision one day. Sadly, I couldn't deny it. If you're right, you're right. Annoying, but right.)

As I reviewed the other profiles, I quickly identified my closest relatives, some of whom are my exact opposites. That might explain a few things. Anyway, I offer here for your reading enjoyment the remaining profiles. See if you can find yourself, or your spouse, parents or children, in any of them.

The Dove Personality: Amiable, caring, sensitive. Great helpers, very personal, indirect communicators (tend to ask permission before they will do something). Also don’t like too much change, but if change has to happen, they want to know WHO needs to do what. Can become personally involved with other people’s problems, sometimes to the detriment of their workload. Their whole reason for being is to build personal relationships. Very supportive people; great in customer service. Under great pressure can tend to do a ‘Poor me, it’s not fair’ type of reaction. Can be martyrs if they are not careful. Love careers to do with people. Nursing, counseling, teaching and being nannies. Great in customer service and love dealing with customer complaints. They will love your customers to bits.

The Peacock Personality: Peacocks are the very loud, life-and-soul of the party types that Owls dislike so much. They are intuitive, impulsive, swift moving (often hard to find because they move about so much and so often). Love being the front person, love social situations, parties are their life-blood. Need appreciation, recognition and regular pats on the back. Like to inspire others – can be very charismatic. Not good with deadlines, detail or time-frames. Dislike meetings, particularly meetings that drill down into too much detail. Great at coming up with off-the-wall ideas, but don’t ask them to implement the ideas, they are not great implementers. Want to know WHY. Great salespeople.

The Eagle Personality: Direct, action-orientated, can be quite forceful and dominant. Often in positions of power. Wants to know WHEN. Needs to be in Control, needs deadlines and expects people to stick to them. A direct communicator – can tend to tell rather than ask. Not good with time-wasters or woolly thinkers. Particularly dislikes long-winded explanations and hates excuses.

Turns out I am closely related to a peacock, a dove, and an eagle, although I'm guessing the eagle wouldn't recognize himself. The peacock would not only embrace the situation, but would, in fact, want to throw a party to celebrate.

The profiles that are most likely to come into conflict? Peacocks and owls; doves and eagles.

Of course, you need all kinds of personalities, or you would never get anything done. So I think we should embrace our own particular qualities, whatever they may be. Of course, owl that I am, I enjoyed seeing myself quantified and nailed down. Odd? Perhaps. But at least it's in character.

The only thing missing was how much of the population falls into each category. Given the current celebrity cultural obsession, I'm guessing peacocks make up the majority of the population, followed by the eagles, who all want to be in charge of everyone. [As an owl, I spend a lot of time avoiding those in charge types, because it's people like me that they most want to rule.] I suspect doves are in short supply, and all the owls are in hiding, trying to figure out where they will blend best with the foliage so no one notices them. [They just need to accumulate a few more facts before they have to make a decision about something.]

While I don't take these personality profiles too seriously, I think there is some value in looking at the different ways we all approach the world, and how we cope and manage our lives. If we spend a little time recognizing our own traits, it may help us to identify those areas where we need to give a little extra effort. And it may help us to work better with others if we understand where they are coming from, as well.

Birds of a feather flock together, they say. But I wish you a bouquet of feathers of every bird, because that will make your life richer, if a little more confusing. And probably more fun, if the peacocks have anything to say about it.