For most parents, one of their highest priorities is to protect their child from hurt and pain wherever possible. This natural impulse leads us to overprotect sometimes, which is not only not good for the child, it's not even good for us.
When we have made a decision that doesn't work out well, especially the big life decisions, we want to share the reasons for the poor outcome with the people we love most. We say we are trying to prevent them from repeating our mistakes. We joke about how we've already made that mistake, so they don't have to.
But in truth, we don't have all the answers, no matter how much we believe we do. In fact, I have recently realized, as my children have grown and matured, that my reality is as different from theirs as mine is from my own mom's. My past doesn't necessarily equate to their future, even if they make the same choices I did, because everything else about their decision is different.
This realization has surprised me, like everything else about being a parent, and has reminded me that we never stop learning on the job.
Fortunately, children are stubborn and willful, and quite often, they are determined to make their own mistakes. Parenting is like watching someone walk into the water over their head. We wave our arms and run after them, shouting to them that they can't swim. But quite often, they do it anyway. Over and over and over again.
But here's the thing - if you have provided them with lessons and equipped them with the tools to swim, then there is no reason that they can't do it, even if you couldn't. You may not have had lessons, you may not have enjoyed swimming, you may have been hampered by heavy clothing or burdens your children don't have.
None of that matters, because your children are unique and separate individuals, and their experience will be different than yours. It may not be pretty, there will probably be a lot of dog paddling and treading water, but they won't necessarily drown, even if they don't follow your advice.
Of course, some things are a surefire mistake, every time. For example, if you don't do your homework, you will be unprepared for class and will probably fail. Like many life lessons, this is one that children need to learn sooner rather than later, so the earlier you allow them to learn it, the better.
Ironically, you can rarely tell a child simple truths and have the lesson absorbed without personal experience. It's part of human nature, I think, to want to learn things for yourself, and most kids eventually have to fail before they understand the importance of doing what they are told.
Other things, especially the big life lessons, are not so clear cut and obvious. As a mom, I want to have the answers for my kids, but too often, I simply don't. Because my own experience is colored by the people in it, and my children will not duplicate my circumstances exactly, their outcome may be completely different, even when they are facing the same choices.
Before my children were born, I thought it would all be so much easier when they were born, because then I could see them and be reassured all was well. Then they were born, and I thought how much easier it would be when they could talk, and tell me what was wrong or where they were hurting. Then they could talk, and I realized that I can't make it all go away, no matter how much they tell me, because I'm not God, and some things have to be endured on their own.
Now that they are young adults, the difficulties in knowing the right answer have been magnified, because now their problems have no easy solutions. Their life story has been very different from mine, and even from each other, which has colored all of our opinions and outcomes. Their answers depend on who they are, what their motivations are, who they are with, and their own basic personalities, none of which are exactly the same as mine, even as they grapple with the same life choices I did 25 years ago.
When they come to me for advice, and they often do, I give them the benefit of my experience. I can explain the choices I made and why, and what the outcome was or how I might have done things differently. But no matter how sure I am of what I'm saying, it is not the same as knowing what is right for them, because their lives are separate and different from mine.
For example, I got married at 23, an age that I believe is too young for most people to make that lifelong commitment. My reason for that strongly held belief rests mostly in the fact that I know I was too young, and most people aren't done with the dramatic transformation from child to adult until a few years later. Ultimately, I made a mistake that not only I will have to live with the rest of my life, but they have to, as well, and I wouldn't want them to have that same experience. Therefore, I tell them to wait until they are more mature and can make a more informed decision.
However, the reality is that I know a lot of people who got married younger than that, and they have happy, healthy long term marriages that clearly still work. So my advice, based on my reality, just doesn't hold true, even in the context of my close circle of friends, among whom being divorced is an anomaly rather than the rule.
Based on my experience, my instinct tells me that you should choose a college major that is practical, because my impractical English and religion majors got me nowhere when it came time to find a job. And yet, my son, the thinker, is getting a Ph.D. in philosophy in one of the top programs in the country, and will probably have a job waiting for him upon graduation. His route to success will be his own, and his story will have a different outcome, because he is a different person with different drives and motivations. Thus, my own life experience doesn't hold appropriate answers for him, any more than it does for my daughter, who is different yet again.
Parenting is the most difficult and challenging learning experience that you will ever have. Everything you think you know will get turned inside out by someone you can hold in your arms, and it never stops. I laugh when I hear young people who have not yet had children talk about what they will do as parents, and how much better they will do it than their parents did, because they simply don't know how naive that truly is. It's a universal phenomenon that people who don't have children have all the answers - it's also universal that once the children arrive, you begin to find out how little you know about everything.
There is a phrase, live and learn, which becomes more meaningful to me the older I get, because life has been nothing if not a learning process. Sometimes I think the curve is way too shallow, because I seem to need a lot more review than should be necessary. But my children have been the greatest teachers I could have had, because they are individual and entertaining and unique and separate. Each one has his or her own strengths and weaknesses, and even between them, I see the same choices working differently. The paths that they have chosen will take them in totally different directions, and it is fascinating to watch them grow into who they will ultimately be.
I am looking forward to this phase of my life, where my children will own the outcome of all their decisions, and I will merely be an observer. After 25 years as a coach and a guide, I look forward to being a cheerleader and an observer, and I am waiting with avid curiosity to see where life leads them.
Wherever their journey goes, I know it will be different than mine, no matter what choices they make. And I am content in the knowledge that my mistakes will not be theirs. That is enough for today.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Happy new year, I'm back!
I haven't posted a blog in a couple of weeks, partly because of the holidays, and partly because I've been sick. For those who have shown up here looking for my words, I apologize for letting you down. I will get back on track and this will be my first effort for the new year. Happy new year to each of my readers
Saturday, December 18, 2010
The Christmas Gift
The Christmas season evokes strong memories for most people. Whether it's scents and sounds, songs, food, or toys and special gifts, Christmas is filled with good thoughts and happy times.
The makeup of those memories has changed significantly over the past hundred years, I've noticed.
Back in the days of the pioneers, the gifts were usually handmade items, often of a practical nature, from materials that were readily at hand. The children might get a pair of pajamas, or a pair of fur lined leather mittens, and for a special treat, some candy made over the fire.
If they were especially lucky, their mother would make them a sawdust or corn cob doll to play with, or perhaps a whittled gun. For an extra special girl, she might get a new dress for the holiday, while a boy might have a new pair of pants that weren't handed down from an older brother (or two.)
When my mother was little, the holidays had gotten slightly more commercial, and some city people were giving and getting more, both in quantity, as well as expense. My mother's family, however, were rural farm folk struggling to survive in the midst of the Great Depression, with no extras available for holiday cheer. My mother tells stories of the wonder of Christmas, but she is referring to the Christmas tree alight with candles burning on each branch, not the multitude of packages under it.
My mother still lives in the farmhouse where she was born, and it is easy for me to envision the scene that she has described. The living room doors, pocket doors that have never been closed in my life, were closed in the winter when she was small to help conserve the heat which was provided by a large wood burning stove in the dining room. The tree would be hidden behind those doors, and on Christmas Eve, the candles would all be lit, and the children would sit around the tree in wonder and watch it sparkle and shimmer and glow.
I'm sure my grandparents couldn't have begun to imagine the lighting displays that we see now; fiber optics and LED lights and the chasing, flashing ornaments that adorn even the most humble of trees. My mother tells me it was a once a year treat to see the tree alight, and to sit and stare in wonder at the glory of it all. I am not so sure that with our fancy displays we have captured the wonder of the season any more effectively than that once a year tree lighting in a humble farmhouse set in the middle of a harsh Minnesota winter.
One of my most cherished tree decorations is a small candle holder from her childhood tree, a tangible reminder of all the people who have been there before me. I clip it onto my tree each year in a prominent place as a way to bring the past to the present, a reminder that we are a part of them, and they are a part of us, and we are all together in celebrating this holy holiday.
My mom, when pressed, will talk about the small tokens she received and we chuckle, because they are hardly worth a mention in the current acquisitive climate. My favorite stories are about the doll and the pair of skates she shared with her younger sister, obviously from different holidays. I giggle every time I think about the two of them, each wearing a skate, holding hands and holding each other up in the middle!
But the doll and skates were important presents to them, because they are the only presents she remembers getting. Their stockings were filled with an apple and some nuts, a tradition she carried through to when my brother and I were little. They were simple gifts, it's true. But they were also meaningful, because of all the things that have filled my stocking over the years, the nuts and fruit are the ones I remember.
When I was little, Christmas had gotten more consumer oriented. I recall the commercials that would start shortly after Thanksgiving, hawking the trinkets they wanted you to believe you couldn't live without. I remember all the gadgets that would be sold, the original infomercials, shilling hot doggers and snow cone makers and other electronic toys that they hoped the children would find irresistible.
I'm sure everyone has their own commercial that sticks in their mind, but for me, the harbinger of Christmas each year was the Norelco razor, swooshing down the snowy hill like a sled, coming to brighten your holiday with a closer shave. That commercial was on television for many years, and it always signaled the start of the holiday season for me.
I got many wonderful gifts for Christmas while growing up, although they may not seem all that exciting to today's child. Mostly, I got clothes and practical gifts, because we didn't have much money, and my mother is a practical person by nature. (She is a Minnesota Lutheran. I shouldn't need to say more.)
I got a doll nearly every year, and by the time I was ten or twelve, I had a pretty sizable collection of them, some of which I still have today. There is a certain scent of plastic that will bring me straight back to Christmas Eve and the simple thrill of opening a new baby doll even now. (Often with some now treasured handmade clothes to go with her. The clothes were my mother's works of heart, and they are all beautiful.)
Usually we had a jigsaw puzzle to work on during the 12 days of Christmas, because my mom is the world's most dedicated puzzler. There would be another toy or two, as well; perhaps a board game to play, or something for a pet.
One year, I got the hottest item being advertised, a Baby First Step, which was an exciting moment indeed. She was battery operated, and when you turned her on, she would actually walk across the floor. It was thrilling to see her move all by herself, and I was the envy of everyone around the tree. (Well, okay, maybe not everyone. But I was the envy of my younger cousin, Ahna, who wanted her, too. She got one the following year.)
Although I got many wonderful presents over the years, one of the best presents I ever received was a black and white kitten with the biggest paws you've ever seen, given to me by my older brother. Unfortunately, he didn't think to check with my mom before handing over the box with the live animal in it. I screamed, she groaned, and the cat won, because he got a new, loving home with a girl who adored him.
He was the gift that kept on giving, because he brought joy and aggravation in equal measure for all the years of his life, which were too few, because he was a tomcat, and he had a wandering nature. Living on a farm, there were lots of opportunities for him to find trouble, and despite his enormous size, he always seemed to come out on the worst end of the battle. But I loved him, and he remains one of the best presents I ever received.
I have been thinking a lot about the past this Christmas season, and how Christmas has become one of the main drivers for our entire economy. Retailers live and die by the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and a slow spending season is the death knell for many of them. While we argue over whether or not a nativity scene can be placed on the courthouse lawn, the reality of the financial importance of the season is all but ignored. It seems ridiculous to me that it is called the "winter holidays" by many, as though it were some kind of generic event, rather than acknowledging that without Christmas, our entire retail system would likely fail.
At the same time, I feel that the real meaning of the season has been overshadowed by the need to give and get the most expensive, newest items available, regardless if they are affordable or not. I doubt that there are many homes in which a simple tree with lights on it will be enough this year. And I wonder whether our joy in the season is any greater than it was back when a stick of candy and a rag doll was considered a bountiful holiday.
I am as guilty as anyone, of course, and I'm not putting anyone down for either giving or getting. I enjoy the giving at least as much as anyone, and I enjoy receiving what my loved ones think will bring me happiness, as well. I believe that Jesus was The Gift from our heavenly Father, and it is a good tradition to give to the people we love in response to the gifts we have received.
But this year, I have spent more time than money on my gifts, creating handmade items that I hope will bring joy to the recipient for a long time to come, not just because of what it is, but because of the love that went into the creation of it. I have spent a great deal of time, which is as scarce as money in my life, to dream up something that will be meaningful to each person, and have put together presents which I think will be appreciated as much for the love they contain as the gift itself.
Although a lack of financial wherewithal is a part of the impetus for this crafty expression of my love, it is also a frustration with the loss of the meaning for the season that is increasingly about what we can get, instead of what we've been given. Although holiday "creep" is an increasing problem, I was genuinely shocked to see Christmas aisles going up in the stores immediately after the school supplies were relegated to the clearance aisles this year.
It makes me sad that entire holidays are being overlooked because they aren't lucrative in order to push the shopping orgy which Christmas has become. I recently saw Christmas referred to as Giftmas, and I thought that was a fair analysis of the holiday in our time. I don't think we are better off for it.
I don't propose to do away with the gift giving. The pile under my own tree gives the evidence to that. But I do wish that we could spend more time focused on what Christmas means, instead of worrying about having the means to pay for it all.
I wish that we could watch the old Christmas movies and eat popcorn and play board games together, and find the joy in each other this Christmas season, instead of losing ourselves in the latest electronic toy that brings the world to us, but takes us out of our world and away from the people who mean the most to us. I wish that instead of spending time texting people outside our homes, we could talk to the people who are right in front of us. I wish that instead of wishing we were somewhere else, with other people, we could be happy for where we are, and who we are with. I wish that instead of wishing for more money, we could have more time to enjoy what we do have.
My real wish for each person this Christmas is to find the Gift that God has given to us, and to spread that Gift to everyone we know. Live well, laugh often, give much of yourself, and the world will be a better place for all of us.
Merry Christmas to each and every one of you in 2010. I do hope your wishes come true, and that each present you give and receive will be a reminder of the love that is abundant in our lives, if only we care to see it. I wish you grace, and peace and comfort, and a holiday filled with all good things.
The makeup of those memories has changed significantly over the past hundred years, I've noticed.
Back in the days of the pioneers, the gifts were usually handmade items, often of a practical nature, from materials that were readily at hand. The children might get a pair of pajamas, or a pair of fur lined leather mittens, and for a special treat, some candy made over the fire.
If they were especially lucky, their mother would make them a sawdust or corn cob doll to play with, or perhaps a whittled gun. For an extra special girl, she might get a new dress for the holiday, while a boy might have a new pair of pants that weren't handed down from an older brother (or two.)
When my mother was little, the holidays had gotten slightly more commercial, and some city people were giving and getting more, both in quantity, as well as expense. My mother's family, however, were rural farm folk struggling to survive in the midst of the Great Depression, with no extras available for holiday cheer. My mother tells stories of the wonder of Christmas, but she is referring to the Christmas tree alight with candles burning on each branch, not the multitude of packages under it.
My mother still lives in the farmhouse where she was born, and it is easy for me to envision the scene that she has described. The living room doors, pocket doors that have never been closed in my life, were closed in the winter when she was small to help conserve the heat which was provided by a large wood burning stove in the dining room. The tree would be hidden behind those doors, and on Christmas Eve, the candles would all be lit, and the children would sit around the tree in wonder and watch it sparkle and shimmer and glow.
I'm sure my grandparents couldn't have begun to imagine the lighting displays that we see now; fiber optics and LED lights and the chasing, flashing ornaments that adorn even the most humble of trees. My mother tells me it was a once a year treat to see the tree alight, and to sit and stare in wonder at the glory of it all. I am not so sure that with our fancy displays we have captured the wonder of the season any more effectively than that once a year tree lighting in a humble farmhouse set in the middle of a harsh Minnesota winter.
One of my most cherished tree decorations is a small candle holder from her childhood tree, a tangible reminder of all the people who have been there before me. I clip it onto my tree each year in a prominent place as a way to bring the past to the present, a reminder that we are a part of them, and they are a part of us, and we are all together in celebrating this holy holiday.
My mom, when pressed, will talk about the small tokens she received and we chuckle, because they are hardly worth a mention in the current acquisitive climate. My favorite stories are about the doll and the pair of skates she shared with her younger sister, obviously from different holidays. I giggle every time I think about the two of them, each wearing a skate, holding hands and holding each other up in the middle!
But the doll and skates were important presents to them, because they are the only presents she remembers getting. Their stockings were filled with an apple and some nuts, a tradition she carried through to when my brother and I were little. They were simple gifts, it's true. But they were also meaningful, because of all the things that have filled my stocking over the years, the nuts and fruit are the ones I remember.
When I was little, Christmas had gotten more consumer oriented. I recall the commercials that would start shortly after Thanksgiving, hawking the trinkets they wanted you to believe you couldn't live without. I remember all the gadgets that would be sold, the original infomercials, shilling hot doggers and snow cone makers and other electronic toys that they hoped the children would find irresistible.
I'm sure everyone has their own commercial that sticks in their mind, but for me, the harbinger of Christmas each year was the Norelco razor, swooshing down the snowy hill like a sled, coming to brighten your holiday with a closer shave. That commercial was on television for many years, and it always signaled the start of the holiday season for me.
I got many wonderful gifts for Christmas while growing up, although they may not seem all that exciting to today's child. Mostly, I got clothes and practical gifts, because we didn't have much money, and my mother is a practical person by nature. (She is a Minnesota Lutheran. I shouldn't need to say more.)
I got a doll nearly every year, and by the time I was ten or twelve, I had a pretty sizable collection of them, some of which I still have today. There is a certain scent of plastic that will bring me straight back to Christmas Eve and the simple thrill of opening a new baby doll even now. (Often with some now treasured handmade clothes to go with her. The clothes were my mother's works of heart, and they are all beautiful.)
Usually we had a jigsaw puzzle to work on during the 12 days of Christmas, because my mom is the world's most dedicated puzzler. There would be another toy or two, as well; perhaps a board game to play, or something for a pet.
One year, I got the hottest item being advertised, a Baby First Step, which was an exciting moment indeed. She was battery operated, and when you turned her on, she would actually walk across the floor. It was thrilling to see her move all by herself, and I was the envy of everyone around the tree. (Well, okay, maybe not everyone. But I was the envy of my younger cousin, Ahna, who wanted her, too. She got one the following year.)
Although I got many wonderful presents over the years, one of the best presents I ever received was a black and white kitten with the biggest paws you've ever seen, given to me by my older brother. Unfortunately, he didn't think to check with my mom before handing over the box with the live animal in it. I screamed, she groaned, and the cat won, because he got a new, loving home with a girl who adored him.
He was the gift that kept on giving, because he brought joy and aggravation in equal measure for all the years of his life, which were too few, because he was a tomcat, and he had a wandering nature. Living on a farm, there were lots of opportunities for him to find trouble, and despite his enormous size, he always seemed to come out on the worst end of the battle. But I loved him, and he remains one of the best presents I ever received.
I have been thinking a lot about the past this Christmas season, and how Christmas has become one of the main drivers for our entire economy. Retailers live and die by the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and a slow spending season is the death knell for many of them. While we argue over whether or not a nativity scene can be placed on the courthouse lawn, the reality of the financial importance of the season is all but ignored. It seems ridiculous to me that it is called the "winter holidays" by many, as though it were some kind of generic event, rather than acknowledging that without Christmas, our entire retail system would likely fail.
At the same time, I feel that the real meaning of the season has been overshadowed by the need to give and get the most expensive, newest items available, regardless if they are affordable or not. I doubt that there are many homes in which a simple tree with lights on it will be enough this year. And I wonder whether our joy in the season is any greater than it was back when a stick of candy and a rag doll was considered a bountiful holiday.
I am as guilty as anyone, of course, and I'm not putting anyone down for either giving or getting. I enjoy the giving at least as much as anyone, and I enjoy receiving what my loved ones think will bring me happiness, as well. I believe that Jesus was The Gift from our heavenly Father, and it is a good tradition to give to the people we love in response to the gifts we have received.
But this year, I have spent more time than money on my gifts, creating handmade items that I hope will bring joy to the recipient for a long time to come, not just because of what it is, but because of the love that went into the creation of it. I have spent a great deal of time, which is as scarce as money in my life, to dream up something that will be meaningful to each person, and have put together presents which I think will be appreciated as much for the love they contain as the gift itself.
Although a lack of financial wherewithal is a part of the impetus for this crafty expression of my love, it is also a frustration with the loss of the meaning for the season that is increasingly about what we can get, instead of what we've been given. Although holiday "creep" is an increasing problem, I was genuinely shocked to see Christmas aisles going up in the stores immediately after the school supplies were relegated to the clearance aisles this year.
It makes me sad that entire holidays are being overlooked because they aren't lucrative in order to push the shopping orgy which Christmas has become. I recently saw Christmas referred to as Giftmas, and I thought that was a fair analysis of the holiday in our time. I don't think we are better off for it.
I don't propose to do away with the gift giving. The pile under my own tree gives the evidence to that. But I do wish that we could spend more time focused on what Christmas means, instead of worrying about having the means to pay for it all.
I wish that we could watch the old Christmas movies and eat popcorn and play board games together, and find the joy in each other this Christmas season, instead of losing ourselves in the latest electronic toy that brings the world to us, but takes us out of our world and away from the people who mean the most to us. I wish that instead of spending time texting people outside our homes, we could talk to the people who are right in front of us. I wish that instead of wishing we were somewhere else, with other people, we could be happy for where we are, and who we are with. I wish that instead of wishing for more money, we could have more time to enjoy what we do have.
My real wish for each person this Christmas is to find the Gift that God has given to us, and to spread that Gift to everyone we know. Live well, laugh often, give much of yourself, and the world will be a better place for all of us.
Merry Christmas to each and every one of you in 2010. I do hope your wishes come true, and that each present you give and receive will be a reminder of the love that is abundant in our lives, if only we care to see it. I wish you grace, and peace and comfort, and a holiday filled with all good things.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Christmas time is coming...
Unless you have been hiding in a cave over the last few weeks, you may have noticed that things have gotten more festive all of a sudden. The annual homage to retailing, also known as Christmas, arrived with a bang before Halloween had even scared us with the potential for dental disaster, assaulting our senses once again with the superficial reason for the season.
Don't get me wrong - I am not opposed to the superficial reason. I like giving and getting as much as anyone, and I love the displays and ornaments and clothing everywhere. I would, however, like to see Christmas returned to its rightful place - a holiday of grace following the holiday of thanksgiving for all the bounty bestowed upon us, but I think I'm in the losing faction on that one. Retailers live and die by the holiday season, and it's no surprise that they are pushing it earlier every year.
Yes, Christmas is big and extremely vital business, however much the aggressively non-celebrating may want to believe otherwise. Without the out of control spending that occurs in the last two months of the fourth quarter, most retailers wouldn't be around for you to shop at the other ten months of the year, so scoff at your own risk.
It's not only in gifts that Christmas has become the retailing bonanza of the year. All the other accouterments that accompany the festivities need to be bought and put to use - clothing, food, employee holiday parties and Christmas bonuses to be bestowed, trees and ornaments and, of course, the decorations.
Ah. The decorations. The centerpiece of the holiday spirit. Red and green and lights and tinsel and sparkle all around. The decorations make or break your holiday presentation, and they are different and unique for each family, which is what makes them so interesting.
It is the outdoor Christmas displays that capture my attention each year, because I think they reveal much more about the home and family being represented than the usual, everyday landscaping. Most people conform to what is expected of them in their own particular neighborhood for the everyday appearance, and there is, in the end, very little to distinguish one house from the next. But with Christmas decorations, people allow their real personalities to burst through for that brief time every year, and I think we are allowed a small glimpse of the child still living within.
It is endlessly entertaining to me to see garish "Christmas Vacation" style displays next door to a home decorated only with netted white mini-lights, carefully laid over the well manicured bushes with military precisionS. I can't help but wonder about the people living inside, with such opposite world views being exposed for everyone to see.
I also wonder each year whether families correspond with their decorations in the way I think they should. Do the houses with the boisterous lighting displays also hold boisterous families within? Do the prim and proper netted bushes with their perfect twinkling lights reveal a prim and proper family that remembers to remove their shoes at the door, and would never tolerate a Jack Russell Terrier tearing around the inside of their house? (Just for the record, if you are that kind of family, don't get a Jack Russell Terrier, because they are not for you.)
Or perhaps the netted white twinkle lights reveal a family that wants to join the festivities, but simply doesn't have adequate time to do a big display, and the nets are quick and easy, and it's the best they can do. Perhaps the yards and houses covered in lights are covering up for the lack of family spirit at other times of the year, and are over-compensation for what is missing inside.
I wonder sometimes, are the over the top displays done tongue in cheek? Or do those families just get carried away with the spirit of the holiday, and lose themselves in the enjoyment of it all? Either way, I think it would be a lot of fun to spend the time with them while they work. I imagine Christmas carols wafting out a slightly opened window, and hot chocolate and cookies waiting inside for the cold and hungry decorators.
Of course, if tacky Christmas is your goal, it can be achieved with a minimal display as easily as going over the top, depending on the execution. It's like the picture you don't want to be in - if you stand there showing how much you despise being in it, you are the one who ends up looking stupid.
Most families seem to be a mixed bag, and the outdoor displays are probably the work of only one or two family members most of the time. In our case, we have one who couldn't care less, one who does it because someone else will make sure life is not worth living if the mission isn't carried out, and one who lives for Christmas all year through, and grieves the lack of festive lighting adorning our abode, no matter how much is out there, with vociferous complaints.
So each year, I dutifully wait through the warm fall until the coldest day of the year, and then trudge outside to string lights on as few bushes as possible to get the job done, so I can run back inside where the temperature is more to my liking. Why do I wait until it's cold? Well. Isn't that an interesting question that isn't going to get answered?
I will go festive sometime this weekend, because the Christmas lover is coming home soon, and I have to have things in place for her to feel shock and awe when she drives into the neighborhood. It is something she looks forward to all year, and it seems like the least I can do. I would do almost anything for her, so throwing a few lights on bushes isn't really that great of a sacrifice.
But I draw the line at lights on the roof. Given my klutzy nature, I'm surprised she would even consider that a possibility, since I'd probably get tangled in the string and fall off the ladder. Lights on the roof has been a goal of hers for a long time, unfortunately. So each year she complains that my wimpy bush displays are inadequate, failing dramatically on her festivity scale.
One year, awhile back, we were driving around enjoying the many festive displays, and she made note of each home that had lights on the roof. She was thrilled anew each time she spied one, and pointed out how much more exciting those homes looked with the outline of lights against the dark sky.
Finally, she turned to me and said, "Why don't we have lights on the roof?" Well. That's awkward. How do you explain to Miss Christmas that you don't want to because it's just too much work?
In a brainwave, I carefully explained that lights on the roof is a "dad" job, and we did not have a dad available, so therefore, no lights on the roof. She was little, and I thought that would hold her, despite my constant preaching that anyone can do anything they really want to. Yes. I am a hypocrite sometimes.
But she was always one to press forward, and she had to go and point out the obvious. "Mom, we have never had lights on the roof." Since that was true, I told her she would have to take that up with someone else, because I'm not the dad, and it wasn't my job. She thought about it for quite awhile as we continued driving around, then finally offered up this statement of love that I will never forget. "You deserve to have someone who will put lights on your roof."
Here's wishing you a heart melting moment of your own this week. Don't forget to treasure them when they come, because they will sustain you when you need it most. And here's wishing you lights on your own roof this holiday season!
Don't get me wrong - I am not opposed to the superficial reason. I like giving and getting as much as anyone, and I love the displays and ornaments and clothing everywhere. I would, however, like to see Christmas returned to its rightful place - a holiday of grace following the holiday of thanksgiving for all the bounty bestowed upon us, but I think I'm in the losing faction on that one. Retailers live and die by the holiday season, and it's no surprise that they are pushing it earlier every year.
Yes, Christmas is big and extremely vital business, however much the aggressively non-celebrating may want to believe otherwise. Without the out of control spending that occurs in the last two months of the fourth quarter, most retailers wouldn't be around for you to shop at the other ten months of the year, so scoff at your own risk.
It's not only in gifts that Christmas has become the retailing bonanza of the year. All the other accouterments that accompany the festivities need to be bought and put to use - clothing, food, employee holiday parties and Christmas bonuses to be bestowed, trees and ornaments and, of course, the decorations.
Ah. The decorations. The centerpiece of the holiday spirit. Red and green and lights and tinsel and sparkle all around. The decorations make or break your holiday presentation, and they are different and unique for each family, which is what makes them so interesting.
It is the outdoor Christmas displays that capture my attention each year, because I think they reveal much more about the home and family being represented than the usual, everyday landscaping. Most people conform to what is expected of them in their own particular neighborhood for the everyday appearance, and there is, in the end, very little to distinguish one house from the next. But with Christmas decorations, people allow their real personalities to burst through for that brief time every year, and I think we are allowed a small glimpse of the child still living within.
It is endlessly entertaining to me to see garish "Christmas Vacation" style displays next door to a home decorated only with netted white mini-lights, carefully laid over the well manicured bushes with military precisionS. I can't help but wonder about the people living inside, with such opposite world views being exposed for everyone to see.
I also wonder each year whether families correspond with their decorations in the way I think they should. Do the houses with the boisterous lighting displays also hold boisterous families within? Do the prim and proper netted bushes with their perfect twinkling lights reveal a prim and proper family that remembers to remove their shoes at the door, and would never tolerate a Jack Russell Terrier tearing around the inside of their house? (Just for the record, if you are that kind of family, don't get a Jack Russell Terrier, because they are not for you.)
Or perhaps the netted white twinkle lights reveal a family that wants to join the festivities, but simply doesn't have adequate time to do a big display, and the nets are quick and easy, and it's the best they can do. Perhaps the yards and houses covered in lights are covering up for the lack of family spirit at other times of the year, and are over-compensation for what is missing inside.
I wonder sometimes, are the over the top displays done tongue in cheek? Or do those families just get carried away with the spirit of the holiday, and lose themselves in the enjoyment of it all? Either way, I think it would be a lot of fun to spend the time with them while they work. I imagine Christmas carols wafting out a slightly opened window, and hot chocolate and cookies waiting inside for the cold and hungry decorators.
Of course, if tacky Christmas is your goal, it can be achieved with a minimal display as easily as going over the top, depending on the execution. It's like the picture you don't want to be in - if you stand there showing how much you despise being in it, you are the one who ends up looking stupid.
Most families seem to be a mixed bag, and the outdoor displays are probably the work of only one or two family members most of the time. In our case, we have one who couldn't care less, one who does it because someone else will make sure life is not worth living if the mission isn't carried out, and one who lives for Christmas all year through, and grieves the lack of festive lighting adorning our abode, no matter how much is out there, with vociferous complaints.
So each year, I dutifully wait through the warm fall until the coldest day of the year, and then trudge outside to string lights on as few bushes as possible to get the job done, so I can run back inside where the temperature is more to my liking. Why do I wait until it's cold? Well. Isn't that an interesting question that isn't going to get answered?
I will go festive sometime this weekend, because the Christmas lover is coming home soon, and I have to have things in place for her to feel shock and awe when she drives into the neighborhood. It is something she looks forward to all year, and it seems like the least I can do. I would do almost anything for her, so throwing a few lights on bushes isn't really that great of a sacrifice.
But I draw the line at lights on the roof. Given my klutzy nature, I'm surprised she would even consider that a possibility, since I'd probably get tangled in the string and fall off the ladder. Lights on the roof has been a goal of hers for a long time, unfortunately. So each year she complains that my wimpy bush displays are inadequate, failing dramatically on her festivity scale.
One year, awhile back, we were driving around enjoying the many festive displays, and she made note of each home that had lights on the roof. She was thrilled anew each time she spied one, and pointed out how much more exciting those homes looked with the outline of lights against the dark sky.
Finally, she turned to me and said, "Why don't we have lights on the roof?" Well. That's awkward. How do you explain to Miss Christmas that you don't want to because it's just too much work?
In a brainwave, I carefully explained that lights on the roof is a "dad" job, and we did not have a dad available, so therefore, no lights on the roof. She was little, and I thought that would hold her, despite my constant preaching that anyone can do anything they really want to. Yes. I am a hypocrite sometimes.
But she was always one to press forward, and she had to go and point out the obvious. "Mom, we have never had lights on the roof." Since that was true, I told her she would have to take that up with someone else, because I'm not the dad, and it wasn't my job. She thought about it for quite awhile as we continued driving around, then finally offered up this statement of love that I will never forget. "You deserve to have someone who will put lights on your roof."
Here's wishing you a heart melting moment of your own this week. Don't forget to treasure them when they come, because they will sustain you when you need it most. And here's wishing you lights on your own roof this holiday season!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Giving thanks....
This Thanksgiving holiday weekend has been different for me, an interesting reminder that my life has changed permanently and with finality.
The same trappings that have always been a part of the holiday weekend were there. We ate the same foods, we bought a tree and got it trimmed, we wrote our Christmas letter and signed our cards, we did our usual day after Thanksgiving shopping jaunt - in fact, we followed most of the same rituals we always have. But the weekend itself has transformed into an ongoing reminder of just how much life has changed for me and for my kids over this past year.
The weekend began by the return of my children from their respective colleges, a return that is familiar to the one, and a new experience to the other. As my college newbie ran around to familiar haunts in a whirlwind of activity, seeing her friends that she has missed, doing familiar activities, and enjoying the things she has loved for her whole life, there was a new appreciation for what she has taken for granted because it has always been there for her, and it has been missed.
But I also observed a new maturity, as she experienced the college disconnect for the first time, and she realized the truth of the old cliche that you can't go home again. Everything is the same and everything is different, all at the same time, in a way that cannot be explained, it must be experienced. She is ready to return to her new life in college, and she will embrace the time there with a new enthusiasm, I suspect, because she has now gained an understanding of what she has there by being here once again.
It is always a thrill to see your children stretch in their understanding of life, and I feel fortunate to be on the sidelines cheering them on. For those parents still in the throes of the hands on child raising years, I promise these times make it worth every tear that will fall and every moment you will wonder if you will all survive the experience.
I saw my eldest, an old hat at managing the equal demands of wanting to see friends and also spend time with family, also work to manage the new demand of a very significant other who was also managing her own family and friend demands. It is a new experience for me, as well, as I let go even more of what has always been my right as a mother to his time and attention, and watch him set his own parameters for his choices this weekend. It is very clear what is important to him, and I am satisfied that his priorities are firmly in the right order - he is managing his time and his obligations as well as anyone can when there are too many demands and not enough hours in the day for everything that is important.
But I realized this weekend that my kids are not the only ones who have stretched and grown and changed these past few months. I have also transformed, into an only person, someone unaccustomed to having company and conversation and additional life in the house. I have developed new routines and a new schedule and new habits, and I have found that the old demands no longer fit like they once did. The growing pains are hard on everyone, but ultimately, I think we will all be better for having gone through them.
If it sounds as though I am looking forward to being alone again, au contraire. In fact, I will miss my kids more now than I did when they left this fall. I have a new appreciation for what each of them brings to my life, and I will miss each of them more acutely for their absence. I am getting a glimpse of the rest of my life, when they will be truly gone, in lives and homes of their own that have nothing to do with me at all, and I will miss them and what they have brought to my life on a daily basis for the last 25 years more than they can imagine.
But I also look forward to the opportunity I have to forge ahead in new ways, and to build a new life for myself as an independent adult, something I have never done. I will continue to enjoy the things that I have been enjoying - the peace and solitude I have never really experienced before, the opportunity to schedule my days based on my own whims instead of someone else's needs, the freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I feel like it, without answering to anyone. (Well, except my boss and my clients, obviously!)
It is a surprise to me to find out that as my children grow and change and transform, I, as their parent, am doing the same. In short, this Thanksgiving, I have found old things for which to give thanks in new ways. This year, I am very thankful for:
My family: I am not only thankful for my two children, who fill my life and give it meaning, but for my extended family, as well. I am grateful for the mother who is nothing short of my guardian angel, a woman whose place in my life words are simply inadequate to describe, so I won't try. I adore my "big" brother, who is always there to count on and lean on and sort things out with. I am grateful for the wife he brought into the family circle, providing me with the wise and loving older sister I have always wanted, and the example she doesn't even know she is. I am thankful to have two nieces and a nephew whom I love and who are endlessly entertaining, each in their own way. They all bring something totally different to the family table, and they fill a hole that we didn't even know was there until they showed up.
I am also thankful for the extended family that has graced my life for all these years. I didn't fully appreciate or understand just how important they were to me until now, when we are losing them one by one, and I feel bereft of their love and their caring and everything else that made each one unique and special. I have been well and truly loved my entire life, and that is a gift without measure. My family has taught me about unconditional love my whole life, and it is the gift that keeps on giving as it spreads to new generations through each of us.
Old friends: I am so grateful for the very special old friends that I can still call on for whatever I need, be it a laugh or a shoulder to cry on, or something else entirely. I have been ridiculously blessed with the best friends anyone could ever ask for - totally undeserved, but thoroughly appreciated and valued.
New friends: I am gradually accumulating new friends, especially as my children bring their friends into my life. As they develop significant relationships, I have been blessed in surprising ways by people that I never knew would be a part of my life, but whom I'm glad are there now. I have always enjoyed people of all ages, and I am so happy that I can count as my friends kids who are teens as well as men and women well into their mature years. I have been richly blessed, and I look forward to many more years of friendship with those people I never realized would be so important to me.
Pets: I am thankful for the critters that inhabit my household and make things interesting. One of them was ill over Thanksgiving, and my concern for him reminded me of how much pleasure he brings me each and every day. My relief at his recovery, and my joy in hearing him once again sing his happy little song reminds me of God's words that His eye is even on the sparrow. Each creature is a part of the plan for our world, and I would be a lot lonelier without them.
Material goods: If we are honest with ourselves and each other, we are thankful for the tangible goods that we have accumulated, even if we tend to focus more on what we don't have. This has been a hard year for me business-wise, and the end is not in sight. And yet, through God's grace and a lot of help, I still have a home and food on the table, and I am more grateful for that fact than ever. I would even posit that the lack of wealth has served to clarify for me what is truly of value in my life. The "stuff" that used to be so important in my 20's has faded, and the things that matter to me now are clear and easy to identify. That is a gift in itself for which I give abundant thanks.
Time: I am grateful that, more likely than not, I have time to work on myself and my life, and to get right what I have so far gotten wrong. I am thankful that I can mend fences that need mending, and I can show appreciation where it is due. Although we never know how much time has been allotted to us on this earth, I live each day as best I can, so that at the end of the day, I will never have to look back and regret.
Blog: I am thankful that in my middle years, I have found an outlet for my driving passion of writing, one which went begging before I found the blogosphere. Whether one person or many read what I write and throw into cyberspace is less important to me than that I have the amazing opportunity to do it at all. I am thankful for the talent I have been given, and I hope that someday I will put it to even better use. I wait on God to tell me when that time and place will be, and look forward with enthusiasm to the opportunity to continue improving as a crafter of words and phrases until then.
God's grace: I am thankful each and every day for God's grace in my life, and the example that is set for me. It has made me the person I am today, and it continues to encourage and inspire me to be a better mom, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, and friend. Grace is the gift of life, because it is the promise that no matter what I do wrong, I will have another opportunity to get it right. There is no greater gift than that.
This Thanksgiving, I encourage you to take time to think of not only what you are especially thankful for, but why. Sometimes it takes a special day to remind us of what really matters in life. So take this time set aside to give thanks, and recognize what gives your life meaning and makes it worth getting up each day. I think it will give you a new outlook on being thankful. At least it has for me.
Happy Thanksgiving one and all! To each of you, I wish you all the best of the holiday season upcoming. Breathe easily, relax, and realize that no matter what doesn't get done, the holiday will be perfect in its own way as it is every single year. Let the magic happen as it comes, and it will be a success!
Merry Christmas!
The same trappings that have always been a part of the holiday weekend were there. We ate the same foods, we bought a tree and got it trimmed, we wrote our Christmas letter and signed our cards, we did our usual day after Thanksgiving shopping jaunt - in fact, we followed most of the same rituals we always have. But the weekend itself has transformed into an ongoing reminder of just how much life has changed for me and for my kids over this past year.
The weekend began by the return of my children from their respective colleges, a return that is familiar to the one, and a new experience to the other. As my college newbie ran around to familiar haunts in a whirlwind of activity, seeing her friends that she has missed, doing familiar activities, and enjoying the things she has loved for her whole life, there was a new appreciation for what she has taken for granted because it has always been there for her, and it has been missed.
But I also observed a new maturity, as she experienced the college disconnect for the first time, and she realized the truth of the old cliche that you can't go home again. Everything is the same and everything is different, all at the same time, in a way that cannot be explained, it must be experienced. She is ready to return to her new life in college, and she will embrace the time there with a new enthusiasm, I suspect, because she has now gained an understanding of what she has there by being here once again.
It is always a thrill to see your children stretch in their understanding of life, and I feel fortunate to be on the sidelines cheering them on. For those parents still in the throes of the hands on child raising years, I promise these times make it worth every tear that will fall and every moment you will wonder if you will all survive the experience.
I saw my eldest, an old hat at managing the equal demands of wanting to see friends and also spend time with family, also work to manage the new demand of a very significant other who was also managing her own family and friend demands. It is a new experience for me, as well, as I let go even more of what has always been my right as a mother to his time and attention, and watch him set his own parameters for his choices this weekend. It is very clear what is important to him, and I am satisfied that his priorities are firmly in the right order - he is managing his time and his obligations as well as anyone can when there are too many demands and not enough hours in the day for everything that is important.
But I realized this weekend that my kids are not the only ones who have stretched and grown and changed these past few months. I have also transformed, into an only person, someone unaccustomed to having company and conversation and additional life in the house. I have developed new routines and a new schedule and new habits, and I have found that the old demands no longer fit like they once did. The growing pains are hard on everyone, but ultimately, I think we will all be better for having gone through them.
If it sounds as though I am looking forward to being alone again, au contraire. In fact, I will miss my kids more now than I did when they left this fall. I have a new appreciation for what each of them brings to my life, and I will miss each of them more acutely for their absence. I am getting a glimpse of the rest of my life, when they will be truly gone, in lives and homes of their own that have nothing to do with me at all, and I will miss them and what they have brought to my life on a daily basis for the last 25 years more than they can imagine.
But I also look forward to the opportunity I have to forge ahead in new ways, and to build a new life for myself as an independent adult, something I have never done. I will continue to enjoy the things that I have been enjoying - the peace and solitude I have never really experienced before, the opportunity to schedule my days based on my own whims instead of someone else's needs, the freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I feel like it, without answering to anyone. (Well, except my boss and my clients, obviously!)
It is a surprise to me to find out that as my children grow and change and transform, I, as their parent, am doing the same. In short, this Thanksgiving, I have found old things for which to give thanks in new ways. This year, I am very thankful for:
My family: I am not only thankful for my two children, who fill my life and give it meaning, but for my extended family, as well. I am grateful for the mother who is nothing short of my guardian angel, a woman whose place in my life words are simply inadequate to describe, so I won't try. I adore my "big" brother, who is always there to count on and lean on and sort things out with. I am grateful for the wife he brought into the family circle, providing me with the wise and loving older sister I have always wanted, and the example she doesn't even know she is. I am thankful to have two nieces and a nephew whom I love and who are endlessly entertaining, each in their own way. They all bring something totally different to the family table, and they fill a hole that we didn't even know was there until they showed up.
I am also thankful for the extended family that has graced my life for all these years. I didn't fully appreciate or understand just how important they were to me until now, when we are losing them one by one, and I feel bereft of their love and their caring and everything else that made each one unique and special. I have been well and truly loved my entire life, and that is a gift without measure. My family has taught me about unconditional love my whole life, and it is the gift that keeps on giving as it spreads to new generations through each of us.
Old friends: I am so grateful for the very special old friends that I can still call on for whatever I need, be it a laugh or a shoulder to cry on, or something else entirely. I have been ridiculously blessed with the best friends anyone could ever ask for - totally undeserved, but thoroughly appreciated and valued.
New friends: I am gradually accumulating new friends, especially as my children bring their friends into my life. As they develop significant relationships, I have been blessed in surprising ways by people that I never knew would be a part of my life, but whom I'm glad are there now. I have always enjoyed people of all ages, and I am so happy that I can count as my friends kids who are teens as well as men and women well into their mature years. I have been richly blessed, and I look forward to many more years of friendship with those people I never realized would be so important to me.
Pets: I am thankful for the critters that inhabit my household and make things interesting. One of them was ill over Thanksgiving, and my concern for him reminded me of how much pleasure he brings me each and every day. My relief at his recovery, and my joy in hearing him once again sing his happy little song reminds me of God's words that His eye is even on the sparrow. Each creature is a part of the plan for our world, and I would be a lot lonelier without them.
Material goods: If we are honest with ourselves and each other, we are thankful for the tangible goods that we have accumulated, even if we tend to focus more on what we don't have. This has been a hard year for me business-wise, and the end is not in sight. And yet, through God's grace and a lot of help, I still have a home and food on the table, and I am more grateful for that fact than ever. I would even posit that the lack of wealth has served to clarify for me what is truly of value in my life. The "stuff" that used to be so important in my 20's has faded, and the things that matter to me now are clear and easy to identify. That is a gift in itself for which I give abundant thanks.
Time: I am grateful that, more likely than not, I have time to work on myself and my life, and to get right what I have so far gotten wrong. I am thankful that I can mend fences that need mending, and I can show appreciation where it is due. Although we never know how much time has been allotted to us on this earth, I live each day as best I can, so that at the end of the day, I will never have to look back and regret.
Blog: I am thankful that in my middle years, I have found an outlet for my driving passion of writing, one which went begging before I found the blogosphere. Whether one person or many read what I write and throw into cyberspace is less important to me than that I have the amazing opportunity to do it at all. I am thankful for the talent I have been given, and I hope that someday I will put it to even better use. I wait on God to tell me when that time and place will be, and look forward with enthusiasm to the opportunity to continue improving as a crafter of words and phrases until then.
God's grace: I am thankful each and every day for God's grace in my life, and the example that is set for me. It has made me the person I am today, and it continues to encourage and inspire me to be a better mom, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, and friend. Grace is the gift of life, because it is the promise that no matter what I do wrong, I will have another opportunity to get it right. There is no greater gift than that.
This Thanksgiving, I encourage you to take time to think of not only what you are especially thankful for, but why. Sometimes it takes a special day to remind us of what really matters in life. So take this time set aside to give thanks, and recognize what gives your life meaning and makes it worth getting up each day. I think it will give you a new outlook on being thankful. At least it has for me.
Happy Thanksgiving one and all! To each of you, I wish you all the best of the holiday season upcoming. Breathe easily, relax, and realize that no matter what doesn't get done, the holiday will be perfect in its own way as it is every single year. Let the magic happen as it comes, and it will be a success!
Merry Christmas!
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